A Newbie

[nyxsea]

Hi everyone,

I am so happy to have found a gathering spot for PTSD. I have untreated PTSD from chronic bullying as a child, an abusive marriage/other abuseive relationships and birth trauma. Most of the people in my life do NOT understand why I am the way I am. I started doing research on Friday about what transpired in my Jr. High era and found that I am probably a Complex Chronic PTSD with situational depression. UGHHHH..this stuff is so hard to deal with. Last week-end my pyschiatrist put me on Saphris...after that horrible experience I will NEVER try anti-psychoitc drugs again. Still recovering from the after effects of that drug. I am looking for a place to heal and learn new ways to manage this injury. For one thing I learned about PTSD in the last couple of days...this is a psychiatric injury caused by outside forces which gives a little bit of a relief to my thought process. Because I have always blamed myself for the way I am...now I can remind myself no, it's wasn't you...it was outside forces that caused this injury.

What made me really decide to join was the music thread. Music has brought words to my sorrow, a calmness to my soul and some days the only way I can get through a day is ...Music. So I definitely will be posting on that thread frequently.

Blessed be to all....
NyxSea

<Edited by Cherryblossom - please use default font in posts, thanks. >

 

[Martin Taylor]

Welcome, this is a good place.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, nyxsea!

This forum is definitely a special place. I hope you find helpful info as well as the much-needed support we all need and deserve.

In 2007 a psychiatrist gave me an anti-psychotic to stop flashbacks while I was in the hospital. I had some horrid side effects from it, as well. The side effects made the hospital stay even more traumatic than necessary. Although I'm sure that my side effects were different from yours (mine caused dizziness which exacerbated an already existing balance problem), I can understand how scary the experience must have been.

I am glad that you have figured out that you are not to blame for your PTSD. For some of us that is quite a difficult process.

I look forward to seeing you around the forum!

 

[nyxsea]

Welcome to the forum, nyxsea! I am glad that you have figured out that you are not to blame for your PTSD. For some of us that is quite a difficult process.

I didn't really have this figured out for a long long time..quite frankly it was this past Friday that I had this epiphany that I am not at fault. Even tho for 40+ years I blamed ME for everything. Not until I read that this is a Psychiatric Injury..something NOT caused by us but DONE to us by an outside force did I even comprehend everything that I heaped on me as the cause. This is definitely an enlightenment for sure but doesn't mean the guilt, shame, feelings of being unloved, unwanted, socially isolating myself, depression, tears etc. have been magically erased. As someone said in a post I was reading " Wounds have to heal from the bottom up. When they close over first, there is usually stuff trapped in them that tries to kill you. It can make for a long process though." I'm just beginning to look at my wound and I am overwhelmed by the sadness of the situation and that the authority figures/parents did NOTHING to help. Now, I'm 51 years old and this is on my plate..in all it's blood & gory. I know I need support and I know I need a group who understands our injuries. And that is why I am here...because I know for fact none of my friends can even imagine the life I've lived. I feel un-normal always.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

By figuring that out and internalizing that knowledge you're a mile ahead of me for sure. In theory I understand the logic, but internalizing it are two separate animals. I still feel guilty for being on the face of the planet, for taking up space, wasting services, and even breathing. My therapist is working hard on weaning me off of the phrase "I'm sorry" but it is easier said than done.

I hope you can live your second half of a century keeping that knowledge internalized...

Take care!

 

[nyxsea]

My therapist is working hard on weaning me off of the phrase "I'm sorry" but it is easier said than done.

I got rear-ended about 6 years ago and even tho I was the one who was hit...I'm the only one who said I'm sorry. So, I totally get the thought process.

Also, I may be a mile ahead but it's only in thought for now. 40+ years of training in bad thought processes is not going to be easy to wash out of my brain. It is beautiful day out in my neck of the woods...yet I can't bring myself to go outside and enjoy the weather. I have sat in my house today...feeling lonely and sad with intermittent tears. I worry about whether or not I will sleep tonight. I worried about posting on here. I'm worried about the wound I have opened and what putrid smelly things are in there. Will I be able to deal with the emotions, the emotional exhaustion, the pain and will my T even understand what I'm saying? This process is on-going and from what I feel will always be. PTSD has been a part of my life for so long, yet I didn't know it. Now I have to face it.

I think the reason we all are here is thus: everyday one of us on here is going to need a shoulder to stand on, a hand to grasp or an arm to link with. We understand, we care and have found a place where our normal is normal...not something the other people think is strange. I hope to lend all the above to this forum and in hopes when my fears take control that someone here will be there for me. There have been so many days of loneliness with these feelings..I need help. And the help definitely is not coming from medications for me. This was the 5th try to change to a new med and probably the worst of them all. UGHH...I hate that we all have to go through this. But here we are fighting...not sure what I'm fighting for..but I'm here fighting. Someday tho, I just feel like a battle weary warrior.