A Question About Dissociation

[A-RON]

Is it considered dissociation if I've adopted the personality of my abuser and then subconsciously try to get people not to trust me when I act like him? For example, I think one of the reasons I got fired from work is because they stopped trusting me, and I think I did that on purpose because my former boss was also my abuser (not the same job), and I think I try to get people to not trust that behaviour because I was a victim of it. Does this make ANY sense, and is it a form of dissociation? Is this common, or can anyone relate to what I'm saying?

Aaron

 

[A-RON]

Anyone? Anyone?

How about if I was constantly imagining my abuser walking through the front door and imagining all the different ways I would jump across the table and hit him with a hammer or stab him with an awl, or all the ways I would imagine the cops surrounding the place and drawing their weapons on me in front of my coworkers because they thought I was responsible for the identity theft, and then not being able to hide the fact that these imaginings were giving me major anxiety at work and when people would ask me about it I would act all secretive. Or when a cop car would pull into the parking lot at work, I would always freeze and get noticeably nervous and stare out the window even though I never did anything wrong. Okay, so I might have stated it wrong in the top post, and I also think I'm answering my own question now.

 

[Luthien]

I don't think this is dissociation. It sounds like intrusive thoughts to me. At least the second post, definitely more like intrusive thoughts.

The first post sounds like it might be a defense mechanism, but not dissociation. It sounds like your pushing people away because you fear going through the same thing again. This "pushing away" that you're doing could be completely sub conscious while you're doing it, and that may be why you're confusing it with dissociation.

But to me, it sounds different. For me dissociation is like floating away and no longer being in the present...it can be accompanied by flashbacks that are visible, or it can just be triggered and I'll slip off either regressing to the behaviour I was showing or feeling while being abused, or even just completely blank with no recognition of what has happened or memory of my actions at the time.

I am not completely sure though, it could be different for you.

 

[Cindy]

I agree with Luthien.

When I have disassociated I just kind of drift off into nowhere. It is like a day dream of sorts viewed from the outside. One way I know I've disassociated is the loss of time. Another analogy is it is similar to driving to work and not remembering how you got there but you are there. It's auto pilot.

When I was real bad, I would miss my exit on the expressway and suddenly be many exits beyond where I was suppose to turn off. Once, the scariest, I ended up in a location in a neighboring town in my car not knowing where I was. That one really freaked me out. I had been triggered while driving thinking I had seen my childhood abuser, the next I knew I was surfacing from my head in a strange parking lot. Not fun.

Obviously, both situations dangerous regarding driving. When at home, it is much more just like losing time and drifting into the clouds.


Your work experience sounds to me more like hypervigelance and intrusive thoughts. It sounds more like being triggered by your environment and the stimulis within.

Cindy

 

[Mercy]

Yes, I agree with Cindy and Luthien. I'm not a professional of any kind so I can't say that I know for a fact that what I will write is totally correct. It's just some thoughts that come mind. You can take them or leave them...up to you.

It sounds like intrusive thoughts which can be very troubling, especially if you have a little Stocklohn syndrom going on.

Pushing people away makes sense too especially if your trust of people is broken and your sense of selfworth is low just now.

It sounds to me like it would be good to have a therapist who knows ptsd help you with this. We are also here for you.:Hug_emoticon:

 

[A-RON]

Hmm. Thanks Luth and Cindy. I think that helps a lot, and I don't think I dissociate with regards to what happened a few years back.

But I have another question now.

What is it when you're in school and you sit there zoning out until the end of class, and you don't remember a thing your teacher explained, and you don't remember any homework being assigned, and then you zone out completely when you're told to do your homework, and you sit there for hours and don't get to play outside and you STILL don't get your homework done, and then you realize it's ten o'clock at night so you go to bed and don't get any homework finished?

Or how about when you're little, and you don't want to eat your vegetables, and your parents make you sit at the table until you eat your vegetables, and you sit there for four hours until 10 o'clock at night completely zoned out not thinking about a thing, and then you're told to go to bed?

Or how about when you go running and you completely forget about everything and the next thing you know you're in another town? Ha! I've done that a few times. The thing is, I think that's normal for runners. I've always associated it with the "Runner's High", and I can't think of anything else that would cause me to do this.

Basically, I'm having a hard time understanding what dissociation really is, and it seems like the explanations I've read about really have a lot of variance, but I'm starting to think I don't dissociate at all. I think that's good if I don't dissociate, but then I've also heard that dissociation is what prevents a person from going insane.

Maybe I'm just naturally a daydreamer, so I have very mild symtoms of dissociation, as in, it's completely normal and healthy, and nothing more.

 

[A-RON]

Thank you Mercy. I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow to discuss PTSD.

 

[Luthien]

Hi again.

I think those little bits you're describing about zoning out in school, or while doing homework, or while being forced to sit until you eat your veggies (for me it was fish, but yeah) is like daydreaming. Particularly when you're a child this is very common.

You probably don't even remember where your mind went at these times, and that is also common, as you are not really consciously thinking at these times. It is like your brain is so severely underwhelmed that it just doesn't process what is going through it.

With the running. I think you've answered your own question.

Dissociation is when your body, and mind, becomes stressed to the point that it cannot handle what is happening, and you end up going away somewhere in your mind so as not to deal with it. This is something that people learn to do when they're experiencing repeated, or extremely severe, abuse. I think you have to go into a shocky state for it to happen...

It is like your mind just snaps right out of it, and you're no longer present for whatever is hurting you. When this happens you will have no recollection of what was happening to you at the time, and it will just seem like you lost a chunk of time.

Those examples you gave could be considered dissociation to a point I guess, but I don't believe that it is actually dissociation.

My last episode of dissociation happened when I was thrown into a stressful situation that I wasn't sure how to manage. The incident is explained in my diary titled "Anniversary, Alone, and Flashing Back" if you'd like to go read it,the title is "Rat loses tail, I lose my mind" it may help to put real dissociation into context for you.

Dissociation definitely does stop a person from going insane, it is like the ulimate defense mechanism. However, as far as I know it requires quite a bit of stress before you do it, and then, it just happens, you have no control over it. However, I believe that once you do it, and do it several times, it may be easier to go into dissociation. It will require less and less stress to get you to that point. Still, it requires more than just the average daily stress.

If you do not dissociate, it is a good thing. It is proof that you're able to handle the stressors in your life in other, more productive, ways. There are many other helpful defense mechanisms that people have, and go through, before they have to dissociate to save their sanity (or even life).

I am sure you experience some or all of these others, and as I mentioned before, the behaviour where you take on your abusers personality, and push people away, is probably one of these.

You don't have to worry that you'll go insane if you don't dissociate. I think if you're ever up against something severe enough to cause your mind to break (go insane right there in that moment) that you will dissociate...I wouldn't worry on it overmuch.

Good luck finding the answers you seek.

 

[A-RON]

Thanks Luth. I'm pretty confident I don't dissociate. Your explanation is very helpful.