abandoned again

[maybeiamabear]

so i had a heartbreak again, i was so happy - my body felt so validated, all of a sudden it felt that hey yes i can be loved. we met during a meditation course and everything flowed so naturally, i had sex for the first time and well it was funny because i could not feel anything inside of her, mostly because i am too used to my own hands and the nerve endings have become desensitised to gentle touch? [that's what i discussed with my t]

so i was very happy and in between this i never really got a chance to check in with other parts than this euphoric rush of happiness i felt. for the first time, someone wanted me as an important part of their life, my therapist asked if i could ask her if we are sexually exclusive and i asked her and she said yes and i asked her as suggested by my therapist if she would like to spend more time together and she said yes.

someone in this entire situation, first a close friend suggested i can stay with her for the night and miss my train and then the therapist, honestly i dint have the courage to do or take these decisions on my own because my body naturally goes like what if they say no, how will deal with the abandonment triggers and the part which shows up which wishes to end it all.

and on 12th april, i reached the place where she was pursuing another course for next three months and everything changed, i could sense resistance in her body and i kept giving benefit of doubt that may be she has made her own peer group here and she will come around and the next day she visited me and shared healthily i would say "i want to be just friends and my trip to this country symbolises non-attachment and i don't want to have any attachments" i acknowledged and appreciated that she put in the effort to show up and share honestly - which has not been the case in all my past romantic encounters, i am really glad she was kind.

one thing which has felt heavy logistically is i shifted to a remote job set up to be around with her, booked a very expensive bnb because she kept saying she will be around until i reached there and infact towards the end as well she was like can you get condoms and bam once i reach, it's over.

in our last conversation, it felt like she does care but later on in her actions she has only been playing avoidant so i have only focussed on myself and grieving the loss what could be and the dangers of a broken amagydla.

for the first fifteen days of living in a big house, i just focussed on having a routine and stick to it because in hindsight i realise that i was feeling A LOT and there was no other way than sticking to a routine to save myself ( from myself maybe) and ofcourse i indulged in a lot of masturbation and paid cam because i guess i felt so lonely. after the first sex encounter with her for almost a month i stopped masturbating or watching porn because i wanted to have healthy sex and then hey hey hey abandonment wound is back.

i think she is seeing someone from her country who also became her roommate later on.

we see each other on morning/evening walks (i am usually walking, she runs) and the maximum we exchange is a wave or a hello - her inner world is shut to me and mine i dont know if she is interested in and to hold on to my inner world on my own, oh love it's a tsunami - yes things have gotten better with years of work and i have learnt to swim a little bit and yet it feels like drowning.

i keep wondering if:
1.) others nudged me towards taking risk for love - why could not i make those decisions on my own
2. ) why do all my romantic encounters are so short lived and end up in me feeling abandoned - in this case i could see some grey signs, but yet i took the risk for hope - is it okay to love so deeply and then take a few months to grieve? stastically does not that slows down my chances of meeting a partner who'd choose to stay
3.) masturbation as a coping mechanism - its the only thing along with other healthy things ofc like walking, meditating etc but the power of orgasms to regulate my brain is intense
4.) my deepest desire is to build a family of my own, to have a community - because i am scared that's one thing i might not ever get, at least i have not in the 28 years of my life - i have consistently failed romantically
5.) i am choosing to continue travel and work for next few months, going back home feels umm it's very hot back at home plus my younger brother who i live with is doing his course which ends after a month or so, so i don't really have anyone to be around with or reason to be at home and while travelling i can beat the heat - while the con is continuous monthly change of environment which is challenging for me but it will help me?

i hope i feel whole again and find energy within my heart to love without fearing abandonment

 

[anthony]

You can look at a failed relationship as a negative, or a learning event. The negative makes you doubt everything about yourself, the learning event helps you grow. What did I do that I didn't like? What could I have done better? Etc, etc.

Honestly, I would work on your own confidence. Women tend to like someone who knows who they are and what they want in life. Doesn't need to be a 5 year plan, just a present tense sense of self confidence and current direction in life.

How do you become more confident with women? By dating a lot more and by challenging yourself with increasingly difficult tasks. Typically fitness tasks are the best challenges to help mind and body become stronger and more confident.

 

[maybeiamabear]

What did I do that I did not like?

I did not share honestly what I was bringing to the table and double checked before moving here eg. the debt i took to move, the shift to remote work etc


What I want in life? I think I was clear I wanted to spend more time with her, I was looking for that.

I agree about dating more and challenging myself with increasingly difficult tasks, I have been walking 15k steps everyday and trying to meditate 2 hours a day.

 

[Movingforward10]

I wonder about taking the pressure off a relationship? Not every person we date will become 'the one', or a long term relationship that never ends. And that's okay? Maybe opening up the possibility of exploring dating and getting to know people, and exploring how you are with dating?

You don't say the timespan of the relationship, but I wonder if there is something for you to explore about how fast you committ to someone? Moving, paying out expenses you wouldn't normally do, are all very very big life decisions that probably need time and really really knowing someone before you do that.

While you feel abandoned, you weren't. A relationship moved into a different direction from the one you desired. And it sounds like it was done in a mature way by both of you. Which is positive?

What counter messages can you give yourself? I wonder if you keep using the word abandoned it fuels the feeling of abandonment. Trying to separate the feeling from the reality might help reduce those feelings?

 

[maybeiamabear]

Thank you so much, your response is very helpful and nudges me to reflect.

I live in a South Asian country and usually the culture here, especially because I grew up in a small city is about finding the one and settling in as these are largely the values I have grown up with - lot of commitment. Even with work or otherwise, I am a solid responsible person, I would say. To an extent that sometimes it burdens me or I end up as an enabler.

You are right that I should be open to exploring and somehow such instances open up my abandonment wound which takes time to regulate, surprisingly this time I have done well :)

Time span was honestly just two weeks or so, may be it's because I had sex for the first time that I felt so attached. And yes, taking time to commit is important, it's just I feared abandonment so much as in this situation she is from a different country and only here for next two months so it felt I must invest on spending all the time with her. Perhaps, once again my fear of abandonment that someone who loves me is going to leave is something I need to work on.

Yes - it was very mature. I am proud of myself and her too, even though I knew her for just two weeks.

True true true - I was not really abandoned, we both made our adult choices.