Abandonment Trauma Triggered Pretty Bad This Week

[shimmerz]

Man, do I know this feeling. SO frustrating! Dismissal, Crazy making, Condescending talk. You probably have your own words. I thought I remembered you saying that this one really the only resource you have is that right? It really sounds like it is ill managed and not geared to trauma work. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way today but can so relate.

Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you so much for your support and reply @shimmerz.

I feel better after posting about it; talking to my T about it. As much as I'd LIKE and WANT or even NEED for my caseworker to a) accept accountability, b) APOLOGISE; and c) completely feel she does owe me both an apology and explanation,... It is probably not going to happen.

I'm working on acceptance. I might very well email her and have a final say. But I need to wait until I am in the solace where I do not in any way expect or want a response from her.

I am meeting the new caseworker any minute. I find it really important she understands that:

A) I am NOT paranoid that she won't turn up
B) I trust she will do her best to keep our appointments but that I also DO understand that things do come up
C) I am NOT expecting a 100% / perfection with regards to her seeing me / keeping appointments
D) I do expect she will let me know as soon as she knows if she is going to be late or not able to meet with me
E) I did not and will not, phone her boss at the slightest issue - I did try to work it out with my caseworker but she was not responding and it is my hope that if there are issues with the new caseworker that we will work it thorough.

(I do not want her to think I just go and make complaints at the drop off a hat!!! There was a LOT of things with my old caseworker and it was much more than the bloody phones and / or 'going home sick'!!!)

 

[ButterflyBean]

Let us know how it goes! Wishing the best!

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks @HollyBeans27

It went really well. I feel I was able to let her know my strengths and weaknesses. She was questioning if I needed the level of support her branch of the agency provides - it's really hard because on one level I am really really functional (ie my work role). But in my personal life, I feel I am on the edge of an abyss. A year ago my life was 'back on track'. My eating disorder was in remission after a severe 2 year relapse. The PTSD was diminished - I went over 6 months without any flashbacks or dissociaion. And then WHAM - an anniversary, contact from my mother's family (her older sister was dying), and the PTSD came back worse than ever before. Add in another severe relapse into anorexia, loss of my job, huge financial stress and my life has been another huge struggle since then to get back on track again.

I could be doing 'ok' one week - seemingly I 'have it all together' then a particularly bad PTSD flare up ; more trauma memories, flashbacks, severe anxiety and panic attack, suicidal depression and I can lose everything again.

I think I was able to explain her how polar opposite I can be. How much I DO need the support, despite what it looks like in terms of my ability to function very well at work.

(I'm actually pretty proud of myself for somehow managing to do that).

I'm meeting her again next Wednesday.

I like how she listens. And I didn't get the sense she was paranoid I'd be phoning her boss / putting in a compliant / be "over-sensitive" if she can't keep an appointment or needs to re-schedule.

I feel like it really could work. With my old caseworker I did really like her - but if I'm honest there was a nagging doubt deep down in my gut as to 'can I really trust her?'.

 

[NovemberStar]

It cant be happening. ...

my new caseworker and I had an app 9:30am today at my house.

10am I tried phoning her cell and office no but there was no answer. I left a message.

I tried phoning head office - no answer, left a message asking them to please phone me back - I need to know what's happening - is my caseworker sick?

I'm struggling to hold it together. I've been struggling with urges to self harm already today. I'm struggling to not have this become a reason to act on those but I really want to.

I don't know what else to do - the caseworker is meant to be my support to phone when I'm struggling - I don't have anyone else :(.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi November,

First, take some slow deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. I'm not saying this is always the case, but you might be able to think a little more clearly once you regulate your breathing. Second, I want to acknowledge the pain you're in and your urges to self harm. Although it's not healthy, I think wanting to harm yourself is a completely normal reaction to what you have been dealing with. Try to realize and take comfort in the fact that you are only human. Third, I want to commend you for recognizing your need for support and trying to reach out and get that need met. Although it can be hard to see from when you're sitting, you've already done some really hard important work in the recognition itself.

Since you've completed the first step by recognizing your need for support, do you think you could take the next step and contact your therapist via email? I know and understand that it's not ideal, and she may not be able to reply right away, but at least she can acknowledge your persistent effort to get your needs met. Then, in your next session, you can discuss ways to affectively meet your need for support between sessions. Also, I'm willing to bet she might call you herself if you explain the particular struggle with self harm you are having this week. Does that sound like it is something reasonable/doable at this point?

I hope my perspective is somewhat helpful to you! Feel free to send me a private message if you want/need to chat further! I, along with other members, are here to listen and support you if nothing else!

I am thinking of you!

Holly

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks Holly.

I took PRN meds. I did email my T. Feeling overwhelmed about quite a few things - got a work situation which is making me pretty unhappy on too of all this other stuff.

Really struggling today as a result of this mess. She did phone me back - she apologised - said they'd had a huge 2 hour meeting this morning that she "had only known about since Monday"

W.T.F??? Knowing about this meeting for a FULL TWO DAYS ahead of our scheduled app and she couldn't phone me I. That TWO DAYS??? She offered to see me Friday. I couldn't - I'm too affected by this to see her or talk to her right now. I made an app for next Tuesday.

I send her a long txt an hour later - said I didn't know if my old caseworker had done a hand over to her but that the reason why I had to stop working with her was exactly due to her not turning up and not letting me know she had to reschedule our appointments. I said being left really triggers my PTSD, sets me backwards and leaves me feeling so worthless. I said I don't expect a 100% of keeping our apps but I NEED to know if she can't keep app.i said if my old caseworker didn't hand this over to her I would understand; but if she did then I'm at a loss to understand.

But I don't understand. Cos regardless of whether or it she knew this ovule seriously affect me, what the hell is wrong with people? I'm really starting to doubt myself in this. I'm struggling to hold onto that it isn't me, that I'm not wrong. That it is normal, and usual (isn't it???) that if you can't make an app you let the other person know????

As I emailed my T I feel so confused and bewildered. It's like the whole world doesn't make sense to me anymore. It's like suddenly finding out that what you always thought to be true isn't. Like finding out the laws of physics (except in this case, the laws of social interaction, emotional connection to others, how human beings operate) no longer apply - and that they never existed to begin with. Like the rest of the word knew this but kept it from me.

I slept. But now I am wide awake and feel like shit again. I need to badly for my T to email me back but it's after work hours now. I don't know if she even got it today or if she will get it tomorrow.

I feel so alone. This is really affecting me. I feel I'm so wrong - it has to be ME, it's happened too much in such a short time for it to be anything but my fault, my doing.

I feel no one can understand my pain. I feel it doesn't matter to anyone. It's triggered up flashbacks again and I feel dissociated at times and get confused as to why my dog (from the present) is 'in the past' because I'm back there in childhood.