About My Ex-boyfriend - Muru's Story

[cherryblossom]

Way to go @Muruluisku :applause:

He sounds like a great friend. Well done for opening up to him. And great work on the short walk. Okay you didn't make it as far as you hoped, but you still did more than you thought you could.

Don't put any pressure on yourself for Thursday - just do whatever you can do on the day. No-one can ask more from you than that. I'm sure he'll understand - whatever happens. I'm looking forward to hearing more success stories from you ;)

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you all you lovelies for staying so positive and encouraging for me *hugs*

Yesterday I did it, I got out the flat with my friend, had some breakfast at his place and then went to get the medication with him. Then we walked back and we sat in my back garden for a bit before he went off to speak to some job agencies.

To be more accurate though, it was my body that did all that... I think my mind stayed in the flat because my body felt numb and I can't remember any of the conversation that I assume we would've had when I was with my friend. So, If I don't dare to stay in my body when outside of my flat, what's the point in pushing myself to do it? But... I got my medication now for another week so that's good :)

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

To be more accurate though, it was my body that did all that... I think my mind stayed in the flat because my body felt numb and I can't remember any of the conversation that I assume we would've had when I was with my friend. So, If I don't dare to stay in my body when outside of my flat, what's the point in pushing myself to do it?

The point is it's a significant step on the way to getting both mind and body out of the flat. Maybe when you are in the garden next spent a minute or so just being really present there. Noticing what is around you. Work on that being your safe outdoor space to begin with where your mind can start to feel safe outside.

 

[Muruluisku]

I guess you're right Splinter... I got to start somewhere even if that means just putting my body through the motions, I just hope my mind will always find it's way back into my body... Will it always?

I also can't stop thinking about stuff that happened with my baddie boyfriend... I don't know if it's because of this friend of mine who's now back in the scene. He's not suggesting a relationship, not yet anyway.. But sometimes I catch him looking at me in quite an intense way and I think maybe on some point he's hoping things would progress. I think if I wasn't so scared of trusting that people who get close to me won't turn into baddie, I would like to be more than just friends with him.

So since it seems I'm still not over with the stuff that went on with my ex, I'm going to try and write a bit more about him and see if that helps, like it has helped a little with the other baddies... Thanks for listening guys:

About three months into being with the boyfriend I fully realised he was a baddie and that I shouldn't hang around with him. I decided to make my dream of a gab year abroad a reality and signed up with an au pair agency. Soon I got a call from an English family that sounded lovely. I was given a week to decide if I wanted them as my family or if I wanted to carry on looking. I called mum and dad who were still at my sister's and they encouraged me to take my opportunity and have a little adventure before settling into studying at Uni.

I decided to go to the boyfriend's house and tell him about my plans to have a gap year aboard and about this family who sounded perfect for me. I thought once he realised I'd be going away for a whole year he would see my point of breaking up before my departure.
*************

We are in his kitchen. It's a 70s style kitchen with red cupboards and a square hardwood table. He listens very calmly without interrupting as I explain him everything, including why I thought we should go on our separate ways. After I finish he just shrugs and asks what I'd like for lunch, eating out or picking something from the corner shop. I ask if he heard me, and understood I was breaking up with him.

He leans his back on the kitchen counter, I stand in the middle of the floor. My legs feel shaky. I ask again if he heard me, and understood I'm breaking up with him. He's just looking at me. I feel a sense of dread rising in my tummy, but I don't know why. He looks so calm, so surely there's nothing to be afraid of? It's too quiet, only the fridge is humming on the back ground.

My legs feel like running, and Im a bit jittery. I start to think that I don't really know him, I can't tell if he's angry or not cause he doesn't look it. I can hear my heartbeats pump in my ears and I feel a bit dizzy. Im thinking shouldn't be alone with people I don't really know. Especially when I'm saying things that might upset them... But he's so calm so surely it's alright? He walks closer to me,silent, and he has scary eyes, they're sort of pale and gleaming.

I get a feeling that I shouldn't be here, alone with him. He's really close to me now, I can see his pupils all small and I think there's something really cold in his eyes,they're scary, like he doesn't really see me. I'm waiting to hear him say something and get ready for him to start shouting cause I don't want to startle. He smells of sweat and oil, and I can feel his warm breath close to my ear.

I'm starting to take steps back. He raises his arm, he's wearing a pale grey T-shirt and I can see his forearm, it's big and muscly and threatening. Then he hits me right across my face, thud, it rings in my ears. It happens so quickly I can't even feel any pain. It's like it's staged and I'm an actress in a film, or maybe one of those domestic abuse reports, it's all acting, it can't be real.

All these thoughts race in my head with a speed of light as I stagger backwards and fall. There's a loud crash and then I'm just really surprised it happened and the camera man says "cut" and I see the read cupboards and everything goes black.

Then I must have lost consciousness, cause waking up I'm lying on the back seat of his car. There's a sheet under me that's covered in blood. I ask him what happened and he says I fell hitting the back of my head in the corner of a table and knocked myself out. He said he's driving me to hospital to get checked out. Then I remember what really happened and I was stupid enough to say that to him. As soon as I said it I'm regretting it.

The pain at the back of my head gets sharper and I can feel the warm stickiness on the sheet messing my hair.
I'm panicking about what I said and feel like I've messed up really bad. We're driving through the forest, the sun keep flickering in to my eyes cause I'm lying down. I'd really like to get out the car but I can't even sit up I feel that dizzy. I feel so helpless lying here, because I can sense that he's growing angrier by the minute.. His breathing is going all wrong and intense. I hear the engine start roaring louder, the power slams my body into the back of the seat. He's driving faster and faster down the narrow country lanes, it's so hard to keep my head still and Im hurting and feeling sick and dizzy...worst than any migraine.

I'm so scared that we'll crash and I beg him to stop. I can't see his face from here, but I can hear his angry voice. He's shouting that he'll crash and kill us both on the way home if I say anything in the hospital and that I must let him do all the talking.

He's driving so fast I think he's going to crash into a tree before we even get to hospital. I think Im going to die. I start to try saying things but my throat is closing up, it feels dry. First my voice comes out all croaky and I can't even make sense of what I'm trying to say. My eyes sting with tears and the flickering sunlight. Then I hear myself saying things... Sleazy, yucky, wrong things...things like "of course I won't say anything", "you're so good taking care of me", "I'm sorry I made you upset", "I deserved it - you just taught me a lesson and I'm grateful for it", "please forgive me, please slow down"

My voice is crying, its so small and childish, it doesn't sound like me. I hate myself for saying those things, It's shameful to beg and plead like that. He starts to slow down and I promise once more not to say anything about him in the hospital and let him do the talking. Then I think I give up, my head seems so heavy I just want to close my eyes for a second. I can't really remember getting to hospital. I remember lying down in a bright room that hurt my eyes and having a few stitches to my head, and feeling numb and tired.

I had a few stitches to my head and a scan that confirmed swelling in the brain - concussion, but no actual damage. The doctor let me out with a condition that I wouldn't be alone and wouldn't go to sleep for six hours. The boyfriend took me home and I asked him to leave. He did, so I was on my own, but I think I was still safer alone than with him.

I just sit on the sofa and start watching telly. It feels like I've got a migraine and I'm sick a couple of times. I hate migraines cause they make me feel dizzy. I also feel a bit dazed, floppy and just happy to be home alone so I can watch anything I like on telly and not have any dinner. I go to bed at midnight to be sure I have stayed awake for over six hours.

He calls the next day to apologise. He cries and says he can't live without me and me wanting to break up with him had come as such a shock.

I listen to him crying and feel bad... Like I'm really mean and cruel. I promise to think about me leaving, and he sounds a bit happier when he says goodbye. As I hang up I realise I still haven't broken up with him.. He thinks I'm still with him. I feel the sense of threat come back and I feel trapped and not sure what to do.
***************

So my first break up attempt with him failed miserably. Why didn't I ask him to leave when we were still in the hospital? I could have told the nurse or doctor then... And why did I let him take me home when he could have crashed us like he threathened? Why didn't I just break up with him in the hospital? And why didn't I call my parents and just tell them? I guess I know the answer to the last one, I didn't want them to bring their attention to me from my sister, who was going through hard time with her divorce. She needed our parents there with her.

I still worry about people getting suddenly angry with me... I didn't see it coming from him then, he was so calm before he came over and hit me. I guess I can't read people very well so I'm always careful of what I say and do. And I'm always alert around people that I don't know really well just in case I make them angry with me... And even around people that I know very well... Like this friend of mine who's been around a lot lately, I get worried if I have to say NO to something, or say anything that might cause conflict. People can change in a heartbeat and maybe I'm not very good at noticing it until it's too late.

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

Sometimes I don't think it comes down to the problem being with you not being able to read people. Some people just really are difficult to read. Some people really do just switch in a heartbeat. My ex (my son's dad) is like that. He was in my life long enough that really I should have been able to spot all the warning signs, and at times I could, but other times there really weren't any. It was like someone just flicked a switch. The thing is though, you are not responsible for that.

With regard to all the 'Why didn't I just......?' type questions, I can ask them time and time again with various situations I ended up in. The fact is, you don't think in that way at the time. Your brain/mind whatever, it goes into a different mode I think and you don't always end up doing the sensible or 'right' thing. You have to think in the instant and you do what comes to you in the instant. The things you said to him while you were in the car on the way to hospital quite possibly saved your life. I understand why you don't like that you said them, but actually, sometimes when you are vulnerable and in danger you have to do things you wouldn't normally do to survive. Plus, you were concussed and probably in shock at the time - do you really think you could expect someone to make rational decisions in those circumstances?

I guess you're right Splinter... I got to start somewhere even if that means just putting my body through the motions, I just hope my mind will always find it's way back into my body... Will it always?

I don't know the answer to that I'm afraid as my mind and body are frequently in different places. This is where 'act as if' comes in along with a whole lot of hope and crossed fingers. Fake it till you make it and just hope to hell that you do! ;)

 

[Muruluisku]

Splinter, you're really good with your words. Thank you for listening and not judging me for how I was with him. And thank you for sharing as well.

I feel I need to finish writing the worst part down. Thank you for listening to everyone who decides to read this bit, and even bigger thank you if you do not think I'm awful and completely wrong after reading this...

I knew I had to get out of the relationship with the baddie boyfriend before I got seriously hurt... I thought the best way out was to take up the au pair job, so I called the family and told them I would be happy to start whenever. Mum and dad were due back from my sister's in a week, and my Aupair family booked my flights for the following week. I printed a copy of the flight ticket and decided I'll go to the boyfriend's house one last time, show him the ticket and give us a chance to say a proper goodbye.

He was really sad and sorry about me leaving. I was sad too because when he wasn't angry I felt he really understood me. We had a special connection. We sat on his sofa and talked. He said he understood that I needed to do this for myself and have an adventure before starting Uni. I said he was free to go out with other girls and that he shouldn't wait around for me. He cried a lot and said he understood although it hurt him so much. He said he loved me.

When it started to get late I said to him I had to go home. He asked me to stay the night with him. I said I had to start organising things for my departure and that I couldn't stay. I could heart the thunder rumbling in the distance and really wanted to get home cause I'm scared of thunder and didn't want to get caught in it on the way home.

I stood to leave but he grabbed my arm and said I wasn't going anywhere soon. He said he waited patiently for all this time to pop my cherry and that I owed it to him as my leaving gift. I really didn't want to go to bed with him and I told him so... He wouldn't listen and dragged me into his bedroom and threw me on the bed...

When he started yanking my jeans off me, something happened in my head and I could remember how much it hurt when the baddie uncle did it to me. I didn't think I could escape from my body as well as I did when I was little, and I just knew I couldn't take it again. Something in my head shouted NO, NOT AGAIN , and I kicked him... Really hard with all my strength. He staggered back, for just long enough that I could roll off the bed and run for the front door.

He didn't fight back, the house fell really silent. It was an isolated old house that he had inherited from his grandma, at the end of a long lane with huge birch trees both sides of the lane. I guess that's why if felt so quiet there, almost peaceful. I put my shoes on and called the boyfriend a goodbye... I think I said sorry too... Stupid, I know.

Then he appeared from the bedroom... Holding a big silver handgun. I knew he liked to go to the nearby shooting range to practise, it was his hobby, but I didn't realise he had the gun in his house. I don't think that's allowed, I think the gun should've been locked at the shooting range.
He pointed the gun at me and said nothing. Then everything started to blur in my head... He clicked the safety trigger, I pulled the door handle and ran out the front door. He kept his aim at me and started shouting and screaming... I couldn't make out the words for the blood that was rushing in my ears. I turned around and started running... Then I heard it.. Like a firework, sharp and so, so loud. And another, and another. It was ringing in my ears and I knew he shot me and I was dead. I kept running and I thought maybe if I just kept running I could run straight to Heaven and wouldn't feel anything.

Then I found myself at the train station. Mum and dad's house was the next stop along, so I got in the train as usual and went home. I wasn't dead even though I felt I should be. I wasn't even bleeding even though I knew I should, the baddie had shot me. But I guess he had shot at me but missed, on purpose or by accident.

The thunder was over our village by now and for once I wasn't that scared of it.. I didn't feel anything, I was just shaking head to toe. I locked the house up and went to bed. I wanted the thunder and lightning to strike the house and burn me before the baddie boyfriend came to find me.
I don't think I slept all night, just lied in bed waiting to die. In the morning I couldn't wait anymore and I called him. He answered and cried on the phone and said he was so sorry and that he would do whatever I wanted him to do to make it all up to me. I knew he was really scared of police, he always got nervous when he saw one, so I made a deal with him: I would not report him to the police, or tell anyone what had happened as long as he didn't come anywhere near me or my family ever again. We both promised we would keep our deal. Then I hang up.

Mum and dad came back home at the end of that week. I kep busy getting ready for my great adventure in England and planning for a leaving party with my friends. If I seemed distracted I guess everyone thought it was because of my imminent departure. Then I was off to England, and started my new life.

Once I got here the whole thing seemed so surreal that I still really struggle to think that it happened to me at all. The only things that remind me of it having happened to me is me jumping at every loud noice, getting light headed and scared when there are shooting scenes on telly or in films, feeling like I'm dying or should be dead during firework season, and the nightmares.

I'm shaking so bad now that these last sentences have taken ages to write... I could really do with a hug/ holding someone's hand to stop feeling like Im dying or should be dead by now.

A year ago I got a letter from one of the baddie boyfriend's mates. He said the baddie boyfriend had commited suicide. He had shot himself in the head. He had left a letter, which the mate had copied and enclosed in the letter... It was all about me :( He had written things like he had never forgotten about me, that I was his world and the only person he could love. He said he never got over me leaving him, and that he couldn't go on living without me.
His mate was really angry with me, and said I was a selfish bitch for never getting in touch after I'd moved to England. I don't think he knew what happened that night when I broke up with him, and I guess he was grieving for the loss of his best friend. I got a few other angry private Facebook messages from a few of his other friends after that. They all seemed to think that I had destroyed him by leaving him.

I didn't want to kill him.... I just wanted to be free of the fear, and make sure he didn't hurt me anymore. I feel bad that he died, he did say that he didn't see how he could go on without me when I as about to break up with him. But I didn't think he would die, I didn't mean to hurt him that much :(

I sometimes see him when I go out clubbing and there's lots of people around. Before he was dead I used to worry all the time that he'll come and find me and kill me. I know now he is dead but I still see him sometimes... Staring at me in a dark corner of a club watching me like he used to watch me dancing and glaring at any other boys dancing near me. Sometimes I see the gun in his hand. Am I going crazy?

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

@Muruluisku well done for getting that out. It sounds like a really terrifying experience. I cannot imagine the roller coaster of emotions that you must have gone through when you heard he had taken his own life. It was not your fault. No way. He was responsible for his own actions. I hope you truly believe that as you do not deserve to carry the burden.

 

[bluebird]

Muru, I am glad you were able to write this down... it was not your fault, definitely not, as @Brucielucy wrote, he had the responsibility for his own actions... I am sorry you had to come through this, just please, always keep in mind you are not to be blamed, not even by yourself. His life was his own,he was a grown up man, who held the responsibility for his own choices. I hope you will feel a little bit better after sharing this, you are really brave, please, take care :) ♡

 

[digger]

Something in my head shouted NO, NOT AGAIN , and I kicked him... Really hard with all my strength.

Good for you.

Once I got here the whole thing seemed so surreal that I still really struggle to think that it happened to me at all.

I have this surreal feeling with some of the events in my life. Even things I have evidence for having happened. I think it is maybe a type of dissociation. A way our minds protect us from the reality of things that are too awful to live with in their raw form.

His mate was really angry with me, and said I was a selfish bitch for never getting in touch after I'd moved to England. I don't think he knew what happened that night when I broke up with him, and I guess he was grieving for the loss of his best friend. I got a few other angry private Facebook messages from a few of his other friends after that. They all seemed to think that I had destroyed him by leaving him.

I'm not going to defend their actions, but I think maybe it's worth looking at the fact that they were left with only his version of events. He doesn't sound like the sort of guy to put his hands up and take responsibility for the things he did and I'm sure that would have extended to what he told them when he was alive too. Plus, people aren't always able to react as objectively as they might otherwise, when they are grieving. And as his friends they were grieving the version of him they thought they knew.

I didn't want to kill him....

You didn't. You absolutely didn't. He killed himself. .

I didn't mean to hurt him that much :(

Again, I think it is more about him hurting himself. He made choices that were not your responsibility - it only feels that way because he refused to take responsibility for them himself. That still doesn't make it your fault.

I sometimes see him when I go out clubbing and there's lots of people around. Before he was dead I used to worry all the time that he'll come and find me and kill me. I know now he is dead but I still see him sometimes... Staring at me in a dark corner of a club watching me like he used to watch me dancing and glaring at any other boys dancing near me. Sometimes I see the gun in his hand. Am I going crazy?

No I don't think you're going crazy. It's just the way our heads work sometimes when trying to make sense of so much senseless stuff.

Maybe sometimes it would be good for you to try and look at some of the things that have happened to you from the outside. Try to imagine that the post you have written was written by someone else. Would you judge the person differently than you are judging yourself? I suspect that you would. I do it all the time. It's not an easy thing to correct, but I think being aware that you do it is a step in the right direction.

Splinter, you're really good with your words.

I won't go into this too much here as I don't want to take your thread off topic, but this made me smile - one of my biggest hang-ups is with communication. Not being able to. Not getting my words right.

 

[Muruluisku]

How to get rid of this feeling of dread? It just comes and goes for no reason, especially when I'm alone. Luckily my darling boyfriend is around most of the time..but that also makes me wary at times. I'm so conflicted :-/

I think part of the reason I'm feeling like this is that I've learned that good times don't last very long, and now that my life has been safe for a while, Im getting suspicious and sort of waiting for something bad to happen. It's stupid really, why can't I just stop worrying and enjoy all the good?

I've been thinking about my ex-boyfriend a lot recently.. Don't know why... Maybe it's because I haven't had a boyfriend since then and now Ash is so sweet and loving and caring, and I do feel safe with him...yet I'm wary, of trusting that feeling :-/

And also it's just gone Halloween and the Bonfire night is next week and there's fireworks going off in the neighbourhood most nights. And when I can't see them from inside the house, just hear the unexpected bangs I get constant flashbacks of the baddie boyfriend shooting at me...and I feel like I'm going to die any minute ;-(

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

My dear Muru, I really do understand these contradictions - I am now at the beginning of a relationship with somebody, who treats me very gently and takes care of me, when I get scared and cry because of the bad memories coming bad... and yet, sometimes I think about my boyfriend turning into a monster - it has nothing to do with him, he has always been very kind to me. But there are moments when I wonder, what if I do something wrong and it will make him hate me? It makes me feel very vulnerable and lost...
What helps a bit, is telling my boyfriend about these thoughts. He understands, fortunately, he doesn't take it personally - because it is not about him - and his voice calms me down...

Sorry to hear the man who hurt you still hurts you in the memories. I know these things are more easily said than understood - but nothing was ever your fault. Nothing. Try to remember that, my dear Muru (*hug*).

I am sorry this is such difficult times for you and I hope you will be relieved when the fireworks are finaklly gone.

I am really, really glad you have your boyfriend around to be with you :)

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you @bluebird for letting me know I'm not alone in feeling these crazy scared feelings about someone close when they have done nothing to deserve them... I try and follow your example and be more open with Ash about these feelings.

I think the baddie ex-boyfriend had some kind of abuse experiences himself as he somehow seemed to be on a same wavelength with me when he was good. But then he turned into a baddie as soon as I expressed my own will and even more so when I wanted to break up with him (as you know from my previous posts). He couldn't handle the thought at all...but I'm not quite ready to talk about that yet in therapy but my therapist is trying to get me to do that so maybe I'll try and start next week...

The fireworks must be nearly done now, yesterday was the worst I think. Ash stayed with me on our living room sofa all night and we kept the telly loud until we could hear no more fireworks. My cats were huddled on the sofa with us too...they don't like the loud bangs either, but telling them out loud that it's okay and we're all safe here also helped me to stay alive and not escape my body too bad.

<3: Muru