About To Lose My Wife. Any Advice?

[Dubah]

Hello everyone,

This seems strange for me, but I am reaching out for help seeing as my wife is really struggling with my condition. My many combat tours have left me nearly helpless it seems. I love my wife to death, and don't want to lose her, my problem is I've changed over the years since we met. When we met, I had very minor PTSD symptoms, and lately they've just gotten worse and worse. My wife tells me I'm not affectionate enough, and it's so bad that she feels useless around the house. Sadly, I try to express how much she helps me, but sadly affection is what I've strayed away from for some reason.

To explain, I did multiple combat tours, I have scarring on the memory side of my brain, which is causing me to forget tons of things. Over the years I developed trust issues, and the worst part is the anger issues. Luckily, I don't lose control so bad that I hurt anyone, but I do tends to break things and put holes in the walls, turn around and repair as much damage as I can. I do work with the VA to try to get my symptoms reduced, but it never seems to help. I feel alone sometimes, I know my wife understands and wants to be there, but the feelings I get sometimes are hard to explain. The biggest one is the feeling of thinking I'm better off dead or on my own, and it is really hurting my relationship.

So my question would be, what would you recommend to help these things out? I want to show my wife some well deserved affection, but it's difficult. I want to kiss her and hold her, but sometimes I feel like I'm less of a man if I do that. So I've tried many different ways of trying to get around it, such as doing extra chores around the house, and I just bought her the van of her dreams, but she still wants that affection. Has anything worked out for anyone else? Is there any tips or advice or something I can try that I can get in my head it's ok? I don't want my wife to feel alone, I love her to death and if I lose her then I really have nothing left to live for. Hopefully someone can help.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Are you in treatment and therapy? You will have to make the choice to change you, the only person that you control.

 

[Sandstone]

You write very well. Have you thought of writing her little, frequent notes that tell her how much you care? Not at the times you need to apologise for something big, just when you feel it, or think she needs it. That is only a short term fix though.

Longer term you have to free your self from the constraints that stop us expressing ourselves and working towards healing.My experience is that the two are linked. Things burst out as rage, destruction and harm because we aren't letting out at a safe time and place.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd self examine this, "I want to show my wife some well deserved affection, but it's difficult. I want to kiss her and hold her, but sometimes I feel like I'm less of a man if I do that". You bought her something, a very nice something but what she wants/needs/desires is your love and affection. What causes you to think "I'll be less of a man if I do that"? What are the thoughts before and after that. Something in your habit/behavior or mental/emotionally is preventing you from giving a fundamental thing to your spouse... and also preventing you from receiving it. What is it? When you can name it you can begin to work on it together as a couple.

 

[Dubah]

I am in therapy. However I tend to focus more on the nightmares and the attempting to trust people or even want to be around people more than anything. I always tell my doc about my wife, but I never realized I was this bad. I wish I knew what stopped me from being a really good husband, but when I do things like buy her a van, my head thinks, she should be happy for a while if I do this, but it never thinks for a second that she will be happy for a while if I just kiss her. I guess I hoped my actions would do more than I realized they actually do.

I plan on talking to my therapist next time I see him, sadly it's been a rough couple of weeks so I haven't seen him since before Christmas.

 

[scout86]

Just wanted to welcome you to the forum.

I don't actually have any suggestions. The fact that this is important enough to you for you to look for ideas certainly means something. People do learn to deal with this stuff. Really they do. There's an excellent group of supporters who post here too. Maybe some kind of peer support group would help your wife. A lot of the supporters here have sought therapy for themselves. Not because there's anything "wrong" with them, but to help them deal with the situation. (It apparently helps to have a knowledgeable, empathetic, listener who won't react with "Oh NO! This is all my fault!! He/she would be better off without me!. Rumor has it that is NOT considered to be a helpful response.) I hope you can find some help for the two of you!

 

[Sighs]

Hi and welcome.

My partner is a combat vet with multiple deployments, not formally diagnosed with a brain injury but has numerous battlescars on his face and head. He struggles with anger and rage as well as numbness and emotionally distancing himself. He often says he should take off and live alone in the bush or that he would have been better off if he'd had his head blown off in-country. That's hard not to take personally.

I crave affection from him and would trade a new van for a kiss every morning in a heartbeat.

The fact that you can SEE all of this is a problem means you are halfway to solving it. My vet seems to find it much easier to say things in notes or text messages than face to face. It makes my whole day to get a text message that reads "x". And if the message actually says more - something like "I miss you. x" or "I feel so sad and angry all the time and its easier to put up defences than let you see that. I love you." - well that can keep me going for weeks and weeks.

Have you shown your wife this site? Does she know about your post? Anything that shows me my vet wants to be with me and is making effort to do that means the world to me.

 

[Gadgie]

Quote......"find it much easier to say things in notes or text messages than face to face."

At least you have found a way of communication, and that is half the battle. As without that, you have nothing?

 

[Sighs]

And I keep every note and save every text. :)

 

[Dubah]

No my wife doesn't know about this site, I don't think at least. There are tons of things I'm sure I could do, but she doesn't know half the battle I face, she is my caregiver but I prefer her to not be at the psychiatric appointments because it makes it 10 times harder to discuss things with her around. I guess the fear that if she knew everything she would leave is a lot of my problem. I just told her about one of the more serious effects, mostly because she kind of caught me doing something (basically losing my mind). But it's difficult to talk about, i see these actions that I took over there as memories, and sometimes they become too overwhelming, and anger is my biggest problem, and I have taken it out on people I don't know but never have i taken it out on the kids. But again, there are things I would rather her not know about me.

 

[Sighs]

As the "wife" I don't feel the need to know everything about my vet. Not because anything he has done in the past would make me leave him, but because I don't want to pry. I'm not a professional therapist. I don't want to open wounds I have no idea how to cover again. What I do need to know - desperately - is that he wants me in his life.

Rage is a real issue for combat vets. My vet can spark up over literally nothing. And he can be pretty scary. I have told him that my boundary is physical abuse. If he hits me, I must leave the relationship. Having said that, the verbal abuse is pretty unpleasant too. He is working on it. And knowing that is the difference.

There are a lot of supporters here. Your wife might find it helpful to join. (But if you prefer to keep it private for your own support I can understand that too.) Are you aware of the sister site mycombatptsd.com? Vets only. No supporters.