Abuse From A Friend With Ptsd

[Iditarod]

Hi all,

I've had PTSD for a couple of years now. I just ended a "friendship" with another woman (I'm female) who is now in the throes of PTSD therapy due to her significant other killing himself last week. It is looking like she's going to be the kind of PTSD person who takes it out on others. She was abusive to me, it was a trigger for me, so I ended it, and I will not go to the memorial.

She was all kinds of nice, until her parents arrived to take care of her. Then she started showing signs of taking advantage of me. I went over there one morning to help her do a smudging ceremony, and she asked me to come back later because she needed to take a shower. Ok, we had communicated about my coming over several times that morning, and I also called just before I left to let her know I was coming. She was having a bad day, but it's not like I was right across the street - I had to drive a long way. She never troubled herself to call me to say not to come.

Then when I called her about dealing with another woman who she basically wants banned from the memorial, she misunderstood what I was asking and barked her instructions at me. That was a trigger for me, so I just cut the friendship off completely. I put a lot of effort into being very nice about it, but I also told her some other things I was not happy about like the time she cut me off without a word for months because I innocently asked if she and the recently deceased were planning to get married, after she was the one who brought up the subject of putting him on her health insurance. I did tell her that her barking her instructions at me was a trigger. She should know what a trigger is, since her significant other also had PTSD.

So she responded to my goodbye letter by telling me that I need to get professional help (she meant that in a nasty way, as in I'm delusional), and how dare I give her a PTSD lecture. Well, it wasn't a PTSD lecture, I merely described what wasn't working about this friendship - her cutting me off, and the impression I have that she feels threatened that I'm 20 years older than her. I told her I'm really not her mother, and she might want to consider sticking with friends her own age.

So did I do the right thing? I just don't do well when somebody dies, and then people start trotting out their very worst behavior. I'm sure her family and friends are all going: "Oh poor baby" at her for my doing that, but I have to draw the line, and I should have done it the first time she cut me off without a word.

I am thinking that she thinks that her loudly describing to me how much she will yell at, and be
mean to, this other woman if she calls her at my supposed suggestion, is just fine.
I did not suggest that this other woman should call her, she didn't listen. But whatever -
does it seem to you like that this part of her behavior could actually be considered abusive to a
person with PTSD?

 

[atthree]

Passing of someone pushes me to my limits. Just found out yesterday my brother has cancer and our family has had a loosing streak of the disease.

Our thing is stress disorder, you are amazing putting yourself out there for her in these circumstances.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I would say if her significant other just killed himself last week, then maybe you are being a bit irrational. She is in a very fragile state right now and if she keeps triggering you, thus preventing you to be compassionate, then maybe step out of the situation for a while and give her the time she needs. As a PTSD sufferer yourself, you know that any disagreement you guys have at this time will not end on a good note. That's just my opinion.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, on the one hand, this is probably the hardest time in her life thus far and she deserves compassion for that. On the other hand, she has a history of treating you like crap and you shouldn't have to take the nastiness she deals out. I don't think we can judge as only you know your breaking point. Perhaps put it on the back burner for now and revisit the issue later after you've had a bit more time to think about it?

I had a friend who was dealing with the death of a loved one and I cut her slack for that. However, it was all "me, me, me....me, me, and last but not least, ME!" for a long time afterward. She expected everyone to coddle her and bow to her every whim, but when I was going through a rough time with my own PTSD prior to that, she couldn't be bothered to care. I gave the friendship a few more tries, but she still lives in a very selfish world and I refuse to be in a very one way friendship.

So, perhaps examine the larger picture. If this is an ongoing struggle, maybe the friendship isn't meant to be, and this is just the breaking point after years of struggles?

 

[bitterfight_]

I'm going to tell you my personal experiences with people like this.

I had this one "friend" who cut me off several times, often barked things at me too, and often talked about herself and what was wrong with her life constantly. Last August while I was extremely suicidal from coping with the loss of 2 friendships and dealing with changing therapists, she cut off all contact with me and would ignore my messages (read AND ignore) and would send me pictures of her and others having fun without me. When I finally confronted her on it, and why she was doing this, she responded with "my boyfriend is dying of a horrible disease you wouldn't understand" and cut me out of her life completely. She said this, knowing I've lost 4 close family members to cancer. I can understand that she is in grief, but there are other ways than taking out out on others. Hard to say, especially due to her loss, but a friend would never make that kind of jab ("you need professional help!") at another friend, so I say you probably made the right move. Honestly, if you still want to be friends with her, I would explain the situation and explain your boundaries. If she can't handle them, and it's too much of a struggle for her to cooperate with that, it's best to leave her behind. It doesn't make you a bad person for enforcing boundaries, and if she can't handle that, she's not a true friend.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I just ended a "friendship" with another woman

I very much understand how being abusive to you is not tolerable to you but honestly the way you talked about her in your thread...it's a bit patronizing and makes me think you do not think respectfully of her at all. It's a two way street.

I am sorry if that hurts. It's just me being honest. I can only comment on what I know from you post.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

death is a big thing to me.. and I don't exactly expect people to act sane through it.. but I see your point in the past dealings with her. Maybe its just not meant to be. When I feel like I can't deal with people its best to leave.. but really its not like she ..can leave. You can. So do.. probably doing yourself a favor, and being you can not possibly support her- probably her one to. No big deal. (but his being gone forever.. that sucks.)

 

[Samantha_38]

A little off topic - but are you saying she has PTSD from her significant other killing themself a week ago? PTSD cannot be diagnosed until the symptoms have last at least a month. Sustaining trauma and being upset about it does not automatically mean PTSD. I'm not trying to say she isn't hurting, but its situations where people automatically start saying they have PTSD 2 days after something happens to them that makes PTSD seem like something people should just be able to get over. I'm sure you have experienced this, and it makes it very hard for anyone who truly has PTSD, because we all know it isn't something that just goes away.

On the other hand, it sounds like she is abusive to you and whether or not she has PTSD this isn't good for you, so I would say let go if the relationship is causing you harm. Maybe let her know what bothers you, if you think this would help. Otherwise at some point you need to get away from that relationship.

 

[Iditarod]

@atthree: thank you :).

@Ghostybear73: in my opinion, she really should have waited and taken some time before trying to start orchestrating a memorial. But she didn't, and I suppose this is the result. I do not feel like putting up with people who keep triggering me; if it happens I will put an end to it asap. And in this case it's not a work relationship, so I have that option.

@Solara: yes she does deserve compassion, and I gave her compassion. I went over to visit her before her parents arrived in town, to comfort her, I became her social secretary for her local friends, and I did research for this ceremony she wanted to do, and wrote it up in a coherent manner.

As far as I'm concerned, it's too late to put it on the back burner; I already told her not to contact me again. I'm just dealing with my own emotional aftermath now.

She does have a history of treating me like crap, and will just cut me off for a while with no explanation. She's done it more than once. I told her in a way it's my fault because I never should have opened up to her again after the first time she did it. It's only been about six months though, not years. She also never showed the slightest bit of interest in my own PTSD, even though I mentioned it several times - because her s/o also had it. And she is behaving just like your friend now with the “me, me, me” bit. So yeah, I think she is exactly like your friend.

I guess I'm looking for affirmation that what she did to trigger me could be perceived by many as being out of bounds.

@bitterfight_: That's horrible, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I agree, a friend would never make that kind of jab. I don't want to be friends any more. Thanks so much for your input, sharing your story helps me to know I made the right decision.

@Ayesha: Well, when people treat me badly, yes I do lose respect for them. I still tried to soften the blow and be as diplomatic as I could, but also knew if I went with being too diplomatic, she would not have any understanding about what I was not happy about. She probably will refuse to see it anyway.

@NLotfalla: Thank you, and yes it does suck. We are all in shock. He had so much to offer, and now his friends around the world are in mourning.

@Samantha_38: No, her family and friends expected that she might have similar symptoms, and rushed her to a PTSD specialist. I didn't mean to say that she's definitely been diagnosed.

I agree with your points, you are right. And I agree that it isn't good for me, thank you :).

Thank you so much everyone, this really helps me :)

 

[katiekat]

I think it's besides the point if what she did was out of bounds. It sounds like you have your mind made up about the friendship, why bother analyzing it any further? What is that going to do for you?

 

[ill]

I can understand you reaching your limit and deciding to end your friendship, but I can't imagine a goodbye letter/lecture/the dredging up of old wrongs and hurts being done within a week of someone's partner committing suicide. That is honestly unfathomable to me.

 

[digger]

her significant other killing himself last week.

Seriously. Her significant other killed himself last week. Please re-read that over and over and cut the woman some slack - I very much doubt she needs to be stressing about how you feel right now.