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Abuse, ptsd and hair cut

I created an account to participate in this thread. I found this place by googling "PTSD and hair cuts".

I haven't been able to get a formal hair cut... ever. I am 29 years old and have been EXTREMELY emotional about the idea of cutting my hair off for my entire like. I never considered that this was related to my cPTSD or mental health as much as it was about my extreme beliefs about the beauty industry being toxic and trying to rebel against that.

But it is getting in the way of my life. I have been in a cycle of chopping off feet of my hair every 5 years in the backyard with a hair of scissors and being devastated about it until it is long again.

Six months ago my partner responded to my complaining about the horribly painful knots in my long hair with suggesting a "trim". I was shaking with fear, quickly began screaming "THIS IS MY HAIR" and became very dysregulated.

We haven't talked about it again and I'm dealing with other big stuff in therapy but really want my hair to hurt less and be more manageable. I'm relieved to hear that I am not alone and that this is a reasonable connection to make but feel hopeless.

How do I start this journey?
Try these articles, to start…

Any time I was going through a big transition I shaved my hair off or cut it myself really badly. I wanted to look f*cked up to match my feelings. Same thing with not fixing broken teeth and avoiding the doctor. In my mind I had this kind of sanctimonious idea about my body and not wanting anyone to mess with it besides me. If someone else cut my hair then in my mind I was lying to the world about who I was and the hair cutter was taking my energy away. It was, ultimately, a way for me to feel in control about something (my body) when I didn’t know I had no control with my emotions or relationships. Also, unconsciously, I was protecting my body from anyone else trying to assault me without my consent, or something like that.

I was terribly upset when my ex forced me to go to the ER and they said they must take my appendix out. I felt like I would lose my sense of self. I was so angry that they didn’t give me antibiotics and let me go home. I was delusional. I thought the titanium staple would be used like a tracking device. In those days I was always hovering on the edge of functional psychosis and it revolved greatly around keeping my body away from anyone’s hands and eyes except my ex who was like my keeper.

Been thinking a lot about shaving my head again because my hair is long and heavy. But that’s kind of an all or nothing attitude seducing me.
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I’ve had a strange relationship with my hair. As a child it was long. Then I pestered to have it cut short. I liked it, over the weekend. And then I went back to school and was mercilessly bullied, called “man-girl”. So I grew it long again and kept it long for years. Then I went to uni and cut it short again. But that didn’t go down well with my “family”; as I went away as one thing and came back different. Which, is the point of uni. Anyway, long again and then I finally took the plunge permanently in 2018 and it’s been short ever since. Much prefer it short, feels like me.