Sufferer Abused And Confused

[BrokenWoman]

I dunno where to start. I'm 34 with 3 kids. I was married 16 years. The abuse I endured both mental and physical I kept a secret for all these years. I left a year and a half ago but he's still a huge part of my life. I haven't divorced him but I want to. I feel so guilty to end my marriage it's eating me alive. Why do I feel guilty? WHY? I don't understand why I feel guilty to leave a man who did and said such horrible things to me? I don't walk right, chew right, cook right, clean right, breathe right...I don't do anything right.I didn't want to take my kids dad away from them. I'm broken and messed up. I've actually considered suicide way more times lately than should cross my mind. I was told today that I have ptsd tendencies from the abuse even though I'm not sure what that means? I feel like my head is so messed up. I feel worthless and like all I'm good for is sex. I found this forum trying to research PTSD and hoping to connect with other abused women in hopes to be able to divorce him and heal. I dunno where to start? Why is it so easy for others to divorce there spouses but not me?

 

[hodge]

Hon, I doubt that many women find it easy to divorce such spouses. I didn't. I discovered my ex molesting his own 5-year-old daughter and left him the next day. It was horrible. I immediately felt no more love for him, but it was still a hard process to get out of that marriage.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. You are not alone.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @BrokenWoman and welcome to the forum.
I cannot answer your questions, I am lucky to have a loving, supportive husband who has helped me through this nightmare that is PTSD.
I am sure other, wiser people will be here with advice.

 

[Panda Bear]

I do hope you can find someone where to help you. Like Lucycat, it is not my area....but I'm sure someone else can chime in.

Either way, welcome!

 

[shimmerz]

Been there. Done that. Not once but twice. Try looking up Stockholm Syndrome or trauma bonding. Attachment disorders can do it too.

I would suggest in order to keep you and the kids safe counseling would be a good idea. Trauma therapist would be best if you have PTSD.

 

[Stickler]

Short answer?
It's way easier to divorce spouses who do not psychologically brainwash and mentally cripple you.

You now have to undo 16 years of being squashed.

You are a wonderful, capable person and deserve being treated with great respect.

 

[intothelight]

@BrokenWoman Welcome to the forum! :)

I don't believe that divorce is ever simple and when a person has been abused there is so much self doubt that makes even routine decisions challenging, let alone something as difficult as ending a marriage.

There are many of us here, myself included, who suffered the trauma of domestic violence and it is a source of PTSD. If possible, seek the services of a therapist who can make a definitive diagnosis and help you put together a plan towards recovery. I hope you find this site helpful as you work on your own healing.

 

[The Black Phoenix]

@BrokenWoman, I have to agree with what has already been said; an abusive relationship is the worst to leave and the hardest, because I think these kind of abusers groom you into thinking your worthless. (Been there, done that). So, if your worthless, one might think they don't deserve any better. I don't know for sure if this is the case in your scenario, but it's actually a pretty common response. Welcome!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@BrokenWoman Welcome to the forum :)

I left a year and a half ago but he's still a huge part of my life.

Congratulations on taking that step and leaving! I know it is tough having someone in your life who caused you so much pain.

I feel so guilty to end my marriage

Marriages end long before the legality of divorce. Unless it propels positive action, guilt is a total energy drain and unnecessary self-abuse. Make 2016 the year to be good to yourself, it sounds like you're long overdue.

All the best,

Alice

 

[jawanessa]

Hi there -- as a kid who grew up in a home like your children are, I often wished that my mother would leave my father. I couldn't understand why she let him treat her and us that way. It felt like I grew up without parents at all, because they were so incapable of caring for us because of the cycle of abuse they were entrenched in. I know leaving is hard, but please know that staying isn't any better than your kids "growing up without a dad." I fully believe that it would have been much better to have been without a parent that abused my mother and us kids rather than staying so the kids have their dad. What is he bringing to their lives? Could he do better if the situation changed? Change is so scary that even when the familiar is heartbreaking, we stay with it because the unknown is harder. But the unknown will one day become familiar, and that familiarity doesn't have to include abuse. You're so much stronger than you think, @BrokenWoman.

 

[kona355]

@jawanessa - Well said, my experience exactly -