Undiagnosed Abused As A Child

[MarsM]

Hello everyone, I'm new. This is the first time I've ever posted online about this. I've done loads and loads of reading to try and find some comfort, as I feel like I'm about to explode. The exploding feeling has been increasing for months now. My husband suggested a support group or therapist. I saw a therapist when I was 18 and he said that kids at that age are just exploring and no harm was done. Needless to say, I didn't go back and have been looking for some help me get through this.

I was sexually abused as a child by both my uncle and cousin who were both three years older than me. I was 8 or 9 at the time of the first assault and it went on for several years. I won't get graphic as it’s too hard for me to even type, never mind say it. They used to look at playboys or read the Joy of Sex while I was coloring or playing at my aunt's house and asked me if I wanted to play with them. I said yes because I had no one to play with. That's when the touching started. They used to tell me that what we were doing was bad and if I ever told, I'd be in trouble. My parents never talked with me about sex, even now at age 41, it’s an awkward subject when my parents are around. This behavior continued during holidays, birthdays, Saturday visits, Sunday dinners, etc... each time getting worse. I lost my virginity to the handle of a toilet plunger, then eventually their "parts", most of the time with a blanket or towel over my face.

When I was 10, I was crying at school and a female teacher asked me why I was crying. I had a male teacher for the first time and I told her that I was afraid he was going to touch me. I had no idea what I was saying or even what it meant. All I know is as a that it was a big deal. They asked me if he touched, which he didn't thankfully and I told them just that. Sadly, the investigation didn't go much further. No one asked me if someone else had touched me or why I would say such a thing. I don't even remember if my parents were called.

The abuse stopped when I was about 11. Still having no idea about sex or what it was or meant. I just chose to stay beside my mom and dad whenever we went anywhere or be with my brothers when they came over to our house.

When I was 14, I was playing hide and seek with my cousins on the other side of the family. Two of the cousins are the same age as me. One snuck up behind me and held me so I couldn't move and covered my mouth, the other began to fondle my breasts and vagina. This only happened the one time and never again. Again, ashamed, I said nothing

When I was 15, I caught my uncle (same one as earlier) in my panty drawer, touching and smelling them. I just ran away without saying anything.

When I was 18, I worked at a bakery. I used to help bag bread in the back. Two of the bakers, one was 26 and the other in his 50's grabbed me and started to touch me, spanking me and putting their floured hand prints all over me. It was humiliating. I told my boss at the time and nothing happened other than I didn't work in the back anymore. I didn't know what to do.

I finally had the courage to tell my parents when I was 19 about everything. They looked at me, said nothing and continued as if I had said nothing.

I went through a long period of self-doubt and wondered if it anything really happened. I have faint and distant memories of the events, there are so many, I don’t know what’s real anymore or if it was a nightmare.

Long story short, its messed me up. I wrote myself a letter last year, explaining in painful detail what happened to me. It was strange that it was written by a 40 year old woman in the words of a 9 year old. It gave me perspective.

Lately, I have been having anxiety attacks, withdrawn from my husband and I no longer care to have sex. He's been wonderful about the whole thing. This past week, people at work have been asking me what’s wrong and if I need to talk. I just tell them that nothing is wrong. I don’t want to subject anyone to this.

I can't even listen to the radio as it somehow triggers my brain to the point of insanity, like the radio station is trying to control me and my mood. I become paranoid and must turn it off. I understand that logically, this is impossible.

I have live every day since the first time with guilt, self doubt, self hatred and suicidal thoughts. How could a 9 year old think about suicide? How did I even know what that was back then? Why did I feel it and still feel it? Sad to say, I'm used to the suicidal thoughts and know that its just me being overloaded and wanting the thoughts of the past to stop.

I have conditions when my husband and I have sex. I don't consider it lovemaking because I'm damaged and I can't "feel the love" - I don't know what the difference is. He can't say I love you, or he can't "inspect me" or look at me with lustful eyes. My eyes must never be covered and I can't have sex in front of a mirror. We tried it once and I was disgusted with myself and got mad at him for making me do it even though he didn't, it just happened.

I am so overwhelmed right now. Why can't I move on? Why do some men smell like my uncle? It smells like dirty lust to me and I can't be around men that have that smell. Why do I attract this? I don't consider myself to be beautiful or even remotely attractive, in fact I go to lengths some times to make myself unattractive, overeating, not doing my hair, dressing badly, etc.

I have nightmares about it sometimes. Sometimes I have great difficult distinguishing my husband from them. Sometimes I have outbursts of anger where I say stuff about the past and my husband has no idea what I'm talking about.

I’m sorry if I am rambling on. I’m really stuck in a loop. I can’t shake it. I can’t bring myself to get help because I’m afraid they won’t believe me. Why don’t they believe me? I don’t lie, I’m a good person and I try to be just that everyday. I cry when I kill a fly for heaven’s sake. What have I done?

Thank you for reading. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone in anyway. Just looking for some advice on how/where to get help. I can't live like this anymore.

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome to you. Not advice but others will bring some.

Hope you will feel better soon.

I'm sorry for what you went through. :(

 

[Missycat]

Hi @MarsM , first of all welcome to the forum, im sure you will find a lot of support from everyone on here. You will certainly be listened to and have a voice. I can honestly say this forum and those on here have helped me tremendously.
How brave of you to share your story, im sorry you had to go through so much.
You mention you tried therapy previously, sadly you seem to have had a bad experience with a poor therapist.
Your story resonates so much with me in that after having been sexually abused as a child for many many years i too sought help as an adult. I wasnt though ready to deal with it and couldnt open up. Nightmares and flashbacks etc became normality and recently the anger became uncontrollable and almost wrecked my relationship. 20 odd years after the original counselling i decided i had to get help and found a therapist experienced and trained in dealing with trauma and abuse - this was the hardest but best decision i made and the difference it has and is making is incredible. Yea its hard, i still have awful nightmares, flashbacks and dissociate but im getting better and i know i will get well.
I apologise if ive gone on, im just passionate about letting you know its worth looking at therapy again to get the help you need and deserve. I dont know the process where you are but speak to your doctors, find a therapist who has experience of trauma /ptsd.
I wish you all the best on your healing journey.
*hugs* if accepted.

 

[Hopefully]

Hi @MarsM, I too am new on here and share many similarities with the beginning of your story except for me it was my brother and thankfully it was stopped before it escalated to anything penetrative, although there were attempts. I really relate to those feelings of confusion and a lack of understanding, they really stay with you and are something I still have difficulty with, try not to be too hard on yourself from my understanding this is all normal and to be expected.

To echo the advice above I would say find a therapist with trauma experience. For me, speaking through these memories really helped me feel more in control of them rather than them controlling me. I had those same fears of not being believed but I am yet to meet anyone who hasn't. Just take things slowly, bit by bit, day by day, you can and will get past this point.

I believe you, you are a good person and you didn't deserve any part of what happened.

 

[MarsM]

Thank you for your support. I will think about therapy again.

 

[Hopefully]

Thank you for your support. I will think about therapy again.

It's a really tough and brave step but it's completely worth it, you can do this. Know you are in control and it is your process, from there you will see the benefits.

Keep strong.

 

[Bristol]

Hello everyone, I'm new. This is the first time I've ever posted online about this. I've done loads and l...

Welcome to the site, everyone here is awesome! I have similar background to you and when my parents found out they did and said nothing about it either. I finally started therapy about 3 months ago and didnt think i would ever do it but right now she is keeping me going it is invaluable if you can find the right person. I hope you find some support and reassurance here

 

[Sweet_E]

You are very brave to share all of this. You should be proud of yourself for taking such an important step toward healing.

It's time to make yourself the biggest priority in your life. (If you have kids, that's a whole separate subject).

"Why can't I move on?" Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. If you had a friend who went through such ordeals, would you wonder why she didn't just "get over it?" No, you'd be compassionate. Show yourself this same compassion and be patient with yourself. You've been through a lot. Some people don't even have the strength to acknowledge what happened but you have. Celebrate your victories and pat yourself on the back for the hard work.

When you were a child, not only were you abused and traumatized, but you weren't supported by the adults who were there to protect and care for you. Not only does this set you up for PTSD, it impacted your brain development as a child. These were very serious things that happened to you. (But there is still hope).

"Why do some men smell like my uncle?" This is an excellent observation. It is likely that you have uncovered one of your triggers. Different sensory experiences can remind us of the abuse and cause us to flash back to the memory and to experience it as if it was happening again. It took me many years to realize I was having flashbacks. Because my abuse happened when I was young, I would experience "emotional flashbacks" into my adult years. Because I didn't experience the vivid flashbacks that a military vet might experience, I didn't recognize what was happening to me as a flashback. Continue to observe your reactions to certain triggers. What do you feel emotionally? What physical sensations do you feel? Or do you tend to disassociate or zone out? What thoughts come to mind? How do you behave? These observations can be clues to alert you that you might be experiencing a flashback, or if not a full blown flashback - a trauma response. Eventually, you can use the things that trigger you to aid you in your healing. This is characteristic of exposure therapy. However, you will need to lay some important groundwork before doing that.

"I go to lengths some times to make myself unattractive, overeating, not doing my hair, dressing badly, etc." This is a great observation. Many people do these things but don't make the connection to the abuse, that you have. Accept yourself where you are right now. However, you may want to explore, "What are some healthy things I can do to keep myself safe?" Positive affirmations have helped me. Also, learning to recognize the times when I do feel safe was/is difficult but very helpful. For me, I learned that if my cat is snuggled up next to me I'm safe because he would be hiding under the bed if something bad was happening. I needed an external indicator. One of my strategies when facing one of my triggers for exposure therapy was to have objects around me that reminded me I am safe. One of them was a salt lamp in the shape of a cat. Now that I am trying to deal with the trigger of physical touch from my husband, I am using my wedding ring as an anchor. If I feel unsafe, I touch my ring and tell myself the mantra of "This physical touch is safe and is coming from a place of love."

"Why do I attract this?" Our PTSD brains sometimes compel us to subconsciously seek out precarious situations. Our brain is on high alert, looking for danger so that it can strategize ways to protect us. There's a saying "Seek and you shall find!" The brain is searching for danger and then it finds it. Eventually, you may develop new thinking patterns that help you focus on safety and respect instead of threats and danger. These concepts of safety and respect can feel so foreign, but make it your mission to discover what they look like, as if you are a biologist looking for a rare animal! Also, I remember I went through a phase where I would have this feeling that "I want to be raped" when I felt anxious. My therapist thought that this was a learned bodily response - I would associate the end of the sexual abuse as the safest time because then it was over. It was my brain's false way of trying to find safety.

I want you to know that 1) You are not alone. We are here to support you and cheer you on. We know how bad it can suck and how hard it is. 2) You can get through this. You took some important steps today that show you have the tenacity and the will to heal. It will be hard work, but it can happen. 3) There is no one size fits all way to heal. You may need to try different modalities for healing. Some will not work. There are no failures - only learning experiences. One modality might not work initially, but years later it might be exactly what you need. You are in charge of your healing - and you have lots of resources. Use you intuition to explore what you sense will work the best at any given time.

Some of the tasks, skills and treatments that you may want to consider are:

• Learn new coping skills. Sometimes this might involve putting certain feelings or sensations in a box so to speak. Other times, this might involve being mindfully aware of those feelings. Develop new ways for managing stress, and to evolve your thinking patterns. Strategies could include creative visualization of a happy place, learning to distract yourself through healthy, intense sensory experiences (loud music, a hot shower, ice on the wrist). You might find that certain breathing exercises also help. This things may seem not directly related to healing the trauma. However, these types of skills can a necessity when you start dealing with the really hard stuff.
• Make self-care a priority. Do things that make you feel good, enhance your health, healing and well being. This could be yoga, meditation, relaxation techniques, bubble baths, watching funny videos or movies, playing with pets, being in nature, having lots of down time. These things may seem like tangents or it might feel uncomfortable to do things for yourself, but these things are essential for healing. Take steps to improve sleep, nutrition, and physical well being/exercise.
• Develop your support group. I have different people I go to for different things. I have two therapists, a psychiatrist and a wellness coach. I frequently go to this forum too. I can go to my husband for some things and my best friend for others. I know that I can call certain hotlines when I'm just feeling desperate. I've called suicide hotlines even if I wasn't feeling completely suicidal. Feeling hopeless and wanting to die is on the spectrum of suicide ideation so I'd call if that is the case.
• Learn to manage flashbacks. Learn how to recognize triggers and flashbacks. This can help you learn how to prevent them. Also develop a tool kit of things to do during a flashback. You can find lots of ideas on this site. For me, I use self-compassion techniques, aromatherapy, breathing exercises, yoga, movement, even baking! Everyone has different things that work for them. The idea is keep yourself safe, ride it out, and if you are lucky, learn some important information about yourself, your triggers and how the past affects you. Have a self-care tool kit to help you recover after a flashback. For me, flashbacks used to be physically demanding. It would take me days to recover and I would have to reprioritize to take care of myself during the recovery.

Some treatments to explore:

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy - for learning coping and interpersonal skills
Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)- to better understand what is behind your behavior and to change thing patterns
EMDR - to reprocess specific memories
Aromatherapy
Movement therapy
Yoga
Meditation
Life or Wellness Coaching
Support Groups
Neurofeedback
EFT or Tapping - for processing difficult emotions on your own

Dealing with Therapy:

Since you could not trust the adults in your life to help you as a child, therapy might be a challenge at first. You may want to start small with a therapist and to build up trust. Sometimes therapist want you to divulge your deepest, most vulnerable stuff before you even have a rapport. Remember, you are hiring them and you are in charge of your treatment. You don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with.

In my experience, I built a strong relationship with my CBT therapist who doesn't necessarily specialize in trauma. But she is good for dealing with anxiety. I sought her help initially for help with dating anxiety. Now she is my go to person for support when I know I have a difficult challenge ahead. A particularly difficult challenge is seeing a new therapist. When I tried EMDR, it was so helpful for me to discuss the process and my feelings regarding the new T to my original T. I would give her permission to speak with the EMDR person.

Something I have done that has helped with seeing new people is I have created a "patient bio" about myself. It has a family tree diagram that shows which family members were abusers and/or have mental illnesses. They always ask for this information and it's easier for me to just give them a diagram. In the bio, I explain my goals for therapy and what I need from the therapist to feel safe. I list my potential triggers such as someone blocking the exit or someone patting me on the back or hugging me if I've been talking about my trauma. I have also found that it is helpful to periodically check in with the T to discuss how things are going and to revisit the patient bio. T's see many patients so after so many weeks, months or years, they might not remember our unique triggers. I also start out the bio with positive statements about my motivation to heal and my gratitude for the help I'm receiving. I want to start off the therapeutic relationship on a good foot.

Some helpful resources that have helped me:

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Calmdownmind.com - read the oldest articles first.
Steve Walker's book: Surviving to Thriving
Youtube videos about PTSD and various subjects: I especially like the channel for Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach. He has some older videos about dealing with PTSD. Now he seems to focus on narcissistic abuse, which may or may not be relevant.

I tried to be thorough to give you a framework to start with and things to explore. I hope it wasn't too much. On the other hand, feel free to ask more questions so we can fill in the gaps.

 

[MarsM]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I'm overwhelmed right now, but I did have enough courage yesterday to call a therapist and get help. I had to leave a message and she still hasn't got back to me. I'm sure that it's a busy time of year being the holiday season.

Lastly, thank you for making me feel welcome and more importantly not alone.

This is an awful thing and I never thought I would have the courage to do this. I just can't take dealing with this anymore. I want it to stop.

I am aware of most of my triggers. There are still some that I don't know. I keep trying to overcome the ones I do know, some are easier than others.

All I know right now is that this royally sucks.

I accept what has happened to me as a traumatic event in my life and I know I can't change it. I feel stuck between after accepting it and moving on.

I had a couple of panic attacks yesterday at work. I share an office with a man and it had that "smell". I have been sharing my office with this person for the past year, but only noticed the smell yesterday. Is because I'm in this "flashback"mode? Does it turn itself on or off?

 

[Bristol]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I'm overwhelmed right now, but I did have enough courage yesterday t...

All my trigger got worse starting therapy it sort of turned it all on, it maybe just because you are starting to face it that is making it worse but im sure someone here will have something more helpful to say than that :)

 

[Kate-T]

Hi @MarsM, I too am new on here and share many similarities with the beginning of...

Hello Marsm,

I want to start by saying I think your an amazing person and the way you've expressed yourself is total strength and I want to also smile and hug you if that's ok on your strength and efforts in the way you've opened up and are letting this out!
When you talk about " smell " I totally understand and am also and I will say have experienced that and still do..
My story is similar to yourself. It started as a baby although that part is blocked out!
Think it's called mind control or something like that?
Sadly this abuse carried on and on right up to my tenth birthday and it didn't stop there but the hands of my abuse and abusers changed.

In my case there was also lots of schools and authority's covering things up on a massive scale and it's extremely complex for me to get into and too painful but I've survived it like you have and even though it's left me with CPTD and dissociate disorder, I'm determined to live my life and love myself again and laugh and cry and try to socialise and see my family and most of all love in a relationship and not be afraid and learn to trust and enjoy this

I guess what I'm saying is it's a really good thing your here and talking this out and I believe this because I feel better for talking and even though it's a roller coaster of words and emotions that seems to peak for us all.. it's real strength getting that out and all of us being here to tell the tale and I believe survivors of abuse and survivors of trauma based substained injuries can lead a normal life " as possible " with the right love and care and help and support around them / us!

It's like I'm at the stage where things have been so dark and death had nearly taken me but the only thing is it didn't and now I find myself in a world where I have deep levels of emphathy and an overwhelming want to help people and expose these things and fight for justice and closure for people, what we all have to understand here and keep telling ourselves is these abusers are criminals and what they did was evil and they should be held to account for these crimes! I know this is not something everyone is in a position to do and some situations vary and the circumstances too but always follow your heart and the soul is a strong courageous thing and you may think at the pits and at your lowest point it's over there's nothing and numbness only but this soon passes and what starts to come out of you is light strength knowledge wisdom and fire to survive a fight to want to run back into life the light and take back your life and that's what I have always felt is so amazing about these trauma based Injuries, is that we have all grown to become strong men and woman and here we all are now talking this through and sharing all our storeys together! Well that in my opinion is courage and is the road to survival :)

Wow I'm really going on one here!
Apologies if I'm sounding too intense
I don't mean to its how this stuff rolls out of me.

Ok so Have you had much therapy as an adult? EMDR or anything else and maybe this could be a really positive way to deal with all this.

It was hard for me to find someone in the field of therapy that I could trust and develop with and I still struggle as I've moved a lot.

I still struggle to find a good therapist there like gold dust in the uk especially on the NHS the best I've experienced has been private but obviously private healthcare costs money!

I think talking and getting the right kind of help is paramount and is a good starting point and Marsm I sm sending you my care and smiles.

All the best to you

Kate x

 

[Hopefully]

I am aware of most of my triggers. There are still some that I don't know. I keep trying to overcome the ones I do know, some are easier than others.

I accept what has happened to me as a traumatic event in my life and I know I can't change it. I feel stuck between after accepting it and moving on.

@MarsM Please recognise how much you have achieved here, this is huge and no easy place to get too. Allow yourself to feel proud for what you have achieved in this and also in reaching out to a therapist, it takes a lot of bravery and courage. You very much have my admiration.