Undiagnosed Abused As A Child

[MarsM]

I went to see a social worker yesterday who specializes in ptsd and anxiety and today I have an appointment with a therapist.

The appointment yesterday really messed me up. She asked me questions and made observations the really upset me. It was nothing personal about me. She advised me that I do blame myself and that I was getting groomed. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I know I do blame myself but I didn't like her telling me that. The grooming part was difficult for me to understand. I still don't. Its like it shorted me out. I guess talking about was harder than I thought . Everything she asked me about the abuse I couldn't look at her. I guess that's the shame I feel. She also advised that what I experienced was violent, I don't see it that way for some reason. I'm not sure why because I definitely know it was. I tried to explain why but I couldn't . I'm assuming that I have a mental block. I feel as though I made a lot of excuses for my feelings about this by rationalizing what happened. she told me that he still controls me even though I don't see him anymore. I found this hard to grasp. Another short in my brain. I tried to explain some of triggers that I know of, some were obvious and some were difficult to explain such as the way ones eyes look when excited in anticipation. It's very specific and I couldn't explain it. I know I'm hard on myself and I should be more patient with myself. This is so hard, reliving everything and having to explain what happened. I feel like I have to protect my abusers for some reason. Is it because it's family? Is it because they have some hold on me still after all this time?

I feel numb and can't cry. I went to bed at at 11 and woke up at 4am. I can't sleep I have nightmares, to which I can't comprehend the meaning. Sometines weird objects are in place of things that remind me of the horrible times. It's a dream so trying to explain the complexity of it .. I can't. The other night I had a dream in which I was watching myself get abused. It was horrific.

My husband being supportive as he can be right now but doesn't understand why this has come up as strongly as it has. I wonder the same thing. I've been through similar bouts of his before but this time it is really impacting me.

I wonder if the wall I spent my entire life building just collapsed.

My work provides free services for a social worker, that's why I went to her. I broke down at work the other day and knew I needed help. I work for a police service as a civilian and see and hear lots of stuff that does trigger me. I approached my rep and disclosed breifly what I was going through as I don't want this to interfere with work but I can't help it. I can't get anything accomplished and having panic attacks doesn't help any. He was wonderfully supportive and told me that I need a therapist and that's who I should see rather than a social worker. The therapist can help me much better as well as provide a diagnosis in writing. I haven't missed any time from work but I'm finding it more difficult to make myself go.

I still can't process the fact that I was being groomed. It hurts every part of me. I think this is because it exposed my vulnerability.

Trying to explain the stuck in an endless loop feeling was difficult. I try everyday to cope with my emotional breakdowns by diverting thoughts to something else but it always comes back to "the past".

I also explained that I have criteria for people in terms of trustworthiness. I had a hard time with this as well as its obvious in past experiences that I didn't make good decisions and my instincts were off.

I tried to explain the smell trigger working in an environment that is mostly men, it's hard to deal with sometimes because I know that I can't avoid the people I work with. So I push it all down and get through it. Not all people who have the smell are dangerous, I know that. She asked me what it smelled like. How do you explain a smell? The closest thing I can come up with is like a pheromone or body odor.

She asked if I feel guilty which I do because I never reported it. I wonder if my main abuser did it to anyone else. She told me he was a horrible person. Again another short.

Wow, I'm all over the map.

Husband asked me why I feel the need to deal with this now. I don't know why. I have no answer. He's so proud of me and just trying to figure this out too.

I suppose that maybe I'm trying to gain perspective on it, a different one than the one I've live with everyday. So far this new perspective is even more horrific than I thought.

 

[Hopefully]

I went to see a social worker yesterday who specializes in ptsd and anxiety and today I have an appointme...

@MarsM Wow, you have done so much here in trying to really face this, as I said in a previous post, please recognise this, it is tough, really tough.

I relate to so much of what you say. I know that doesn't offer any help but I hope it does offer some understanding that these are all normal reactions, I hope you can find some comfort in that because it does to me to hear that someone else feels so in line with what I do. I hope my words help you allow yourself to know you are allowed to feel this way. I was told I was groomed, that these experiences were violent, I too could rarely look her in the eye (in fact I could tell you every pair of shoes she ever wore), made endless excuses and counter arguments, reasons why this was different, why I was different. In confronting this now you are actively pushing against every coping mechanism you have installed over years, it is really hard to hear anything that goes against it and tries to invalidate it. It is OK to not agree but try to listen, over time your perspective can shift and these views could one day be helpful or be something you draw from.

As difficult as it is I think the nightmares are to be expected, it is all part of the fact that you are beginning to process all of this, it is firing up connections in your brain that have been long dormant. I wouldn't worry too much as to what they mean, just see them and accept them as your minds way to understand this. As horrible as it is, for me, it is all a part of being on a path to feeling better and one day more in control.

I too have a partner who although very supportive has no idea where this has all come from after all this time. To be honest, I have the same question! I don't know why this has finally decided to confront me now, but it has, I tried to ignore it but eventually it just got too hard, I have to deal with it, maybe I finally I feel safe enough to do so. You say you feel like the wall you have been building has collapsed, but maybe you just don't need it there any more, maybe it provided everything you needed for a really long time but it no longer serves a purpose and you are ready to start moving forward without it there. Yes, it is going to be hard and scary to see things in a new light, that is why the gentle guidance of a therapist can lead you along that road safely. I hope that somewhere, in some deep part of you, you know this and that is why so much of you is persevering with this despite the pain.

I hope I am not speaking out of turn or trying to make your feelings into something they aren't, I just really connect with what you write. It is so difficult to really accept what happened and the seemingly endless meanings all that entails, I'm not there yet but with therapy I am making progress. Bit by bit, step by step your mind loosens and new perspectives arise. At the beginning of therapy I never thought that would happen, but every now and then you see a little shift and you surprise yourself.

Keep with it, you can get past this, understand it clearer, find your place in it and feel healed.

 

[MarsM]

Thanks again. All this information truly helps. My appointment yesterday went OK. Dr diagnosed me with complex PTSD and have to go back next week. I still have moments of random tears, disbelief, shock, 4 hours sleep due to nightmares i cant shake and flashbacks are worse than ever. I know I'll get through it. just tough right now.

 

[Sweet_E]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I'm overwhelmed right now, but I did have enough courage yesterday t...

I haven't finished reading all the threads yet, but you mentioned the smell trigger, that I wanted to respond to. I do not believe the trigger will automatically go away. However, you can definitely learn to manage the trigger and even eventually train your brain to not be triggered anymore.

Depending on the nature and size of your company, you may want to consider speaking to management or HR about the smell. I worked for a very large company and they had a loose policies around smells - there were written guidelines around strong smelling food and the use of strong smelling personal products. In a big office building, you can't just open a window and you often work in close proximity to people. Aside from the PTSD, many people have allergies and strong smells can be distracting. You could state that you are "sensitive to the smells of cologne" and that it makes an unpleasant work environment for you. Ask if HR can send out a reminder to not wear cologne or perfume to the office.

You can develop a strategy to manage the smell trigger. I do not know all of the details - Are there specific times when you notice the smell, like only during meetings with particular people? Or does it happen randomly? Is there a time early in the morning when it does not smell? If you want to disclose more details, we can brainstorm a customized strategy. I'll list some things that have worked for me.

Rough Draft of Strategy:

Ground yourself before facing your trigger: Come up with a series of things you do to ground yourself before you encounter the trigger/smell, even if you have to do it in your car before you enter the building.

• Check in with all or some of your senses and do one action that uses each one. Sight: Look at something that grounds you, like a picture that makes you feel good. Touch: Rub a worry stone or touch some soft fabric. Sound: Play some peaceful, grounding music in your car or in headphones. Taste: You could ingest some sort of homeopathic aid. There is a thing called "Stress Mints." There is also a spray called "Rescue Remedy" that you spray under the tongue. Smell: Smell an essential oil that is grounding or comforting to you. Smells work differently for different people so it will take some work to figure out what works for you. You could go to a health food store that sells essential oils and give some a sniff. Keep in mind that smell can be a trigger, so you may want to stick to a certain type of scent, like florals, that will not likely trigger you. Use your judgement but some nice EO's to try could be lavender or chamomile. There are some really grounding woodsy EOs but I'm afraid they might be too close to your trigger, but maybe you could explore those later one to see if you could trick you brain to like something similar to your trigger. There's a brand called Aura Cacia that has some really nice blends. I would highly recommend Panic Button, which I do not think smells masculine. Also, I love the blend called "Indulge." It smells so yummy. It has some grounding oils that might feel masculine if you smelled each of them on your own, it also has some nice lavender and vanilla. The scents together do not smell masculine to me at all.
• Check in with your body and adjust your posture: You could do a quick body scan, meaning observe: how am I holding my head, shoulders neck, spine, pelvis, feet? Then straighten your posture. You could have a series of things you do. Your catch phrase could be, "Chin, shoulders, seat, feet." You put hold your chin up, shoulders back, stabilize your pelvis or feel your bottom connected to your chair, and plant your feet firmly on the ground. For me, at my desk, I would do "Feet, Seat, Hands" and would rub my hands.
• Take a power stance: Take a posture or stance that makes you feel powerful. For me this would be having a straight posture and placing my fists on my hips in an authoritative way. I could do this while sitting without anyone noticing. If you are not going to be seen, you could stand with feet hips width apart or wide, and raise your arms above your head in a V shape. This is a posture that is scientifically proven to make you feel more powerful.
• Say your mantra: Your mantra will be very personal to you. You can choose a mantra that reframes how you feel about the smell, the person who smells or the work environment, or focus on just reminding yourself that your safe. Examples could be: I am safe. I am strong. I am surrounded my professionals who respect me. I am in a safe place. This is a place of stability and productivity. I can handle this. I got this! This smell is just a coincidence - I am safe. My personal mantra was "This is the opportunity I've been looking for" because I was using my trigger as a learning experience.

When you get triggered: Have a predetermined list of things you do to bring yourself back to the present. You can redo some of the grounding activities. For me, I would take a deep breath, do "Feet, Seat, Hands", my power pose, smell my essential oil.

After the trigger: Write down what happened, and describe how you reacted. Take a quick break and walk around. Say a positive affirmation to yourself. Send whatever thoughts or feelings to yourself or inner child that you need: It could be acknowledgment, comfort, a pat on the back for handling things, etc.

 

[Sweet_E]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I'm overwhelmed right now, but I did have enough courage yesterday t...

Oh one more thing about the smell. You said you never noticed it before even though you've worked with him for some time. This happened to me too. I had been disassociating for some time with a particular trigger but really didn't notice it was happening.

Another idea, you could see if you are allowed to keep a small air purifier by your desk. It does wonders for reducing the smell. I was not allowed to have one at my desk. Plants might help too.

It also helped when I made my desk a little sanctuary - I had plants, a salt lamp, comforting pictures, etc.

 

[Sweet_E]

I went to see a social worker yesterday who specializes in ptsd and anxiety and today I have an appointme...

Wow! Your therapist was pretty intense for a first session! Some things you could do: 1) Ask her that you go slow and tell her what you want to work on first. Give her *your* agenda. 2) Interview another therapist.

You may need time to reflect if this therapist's approach, while it felt uncomfortable, is constructive for you, especially in the long run. However, it is possible it's just way too much too soon, and maybe you need a more gentle approach.

You know yourself better than anyone.

 

[RavenGirl]

@MarsM, I so understand what you are dealing with. I held my "secret" in for 35 years from the first abuse to the day I found the strength to make it stop. I swore no one would EVER know what happened to me, that the secret would die with me... but things have a way of changing.

About 20 months ago my world came crashing down on me. I couldn't keep my secret any more, the abuse and my past kept invading my brain. I was abused for the first time by my 2 brothers and a cousin (at the same time) when I was 12 years old, they were all 13 years old. This happened one other time, then 2 of them stopped. One brother continued to abuse me physically, psychologically, and sexually, for the next 5 years. He stopped the abuse when I was finally strong enough to say, "if you ever touch me again I'll kill you then tell everyone what you did!" We had a house full of guns and I knew how to use them!!

It's amazing the mess the abusers and the abuse they did to us makes of our minds! But the best thing I ever did was to get therapy from a trauma therapist. That and telling my abuser to his face "once an abuser always an abuser!" Then completely cutting him out of my life and once strong enough letting the rest of my family know what had happened to me as a child, what HE HAD DONE to me as a child. It wasn't my fault, it was all his fault. He chose to abuse me, he chose to lock me in a dark damp room and a dark ice cold cooler, he chose to verbally and physically assault me, he chose those things, not me. But I choose how to live my life now.

I know you can make that choice too, there's no rhyme or reason as to why our brains decide to let the mess out when they do. All I know is that's when we need to deal with the cards we were dealt so that our lives can get better. I wish you nothing but the best on your road to recovery. :hug::hug:Raven

 

[MarsM]

Thanks again everyone! It definitely has the most difficult path to go down, but you all have given me hope. Reading through your stories and everything you have been though, all I can say is I'm sorry you all had to go through that, but I can tell you got through it.

I'm still redigesting everything, but I'm starting to look at it with fresh eyes. This is a good thing I think but it hurts like hell!

 

[RavenGirl]

I really believe you can do it, we are all stronger than we think. As a matter of fact, I wear a necklace to remind me of that very thing. It actually states, "I'm stronger than I look" and has a teal / turquoise ribbon for PTSD on it. I wear it under my shirt each day to remind me how strong I am. I know you are strong too.;) :tup::hug:

 

[Canticle]

Hello everyone, I'm new. This is the first time I've ever posted online about this. I've done loads and l...

Hello. Thank you for being brave and protecting you. You were hurt very deep and it hurts my soul that you had ti carry that burden within you as I did. I wish I could have protected you and all of us that were hury like this. I am so glad that you are saying hell no and reaching out for help. Their is no time stamp on our pain until we are able to process through it and allow our lo e to heal what is broken inside.

I was 9 years old the first time I was sexualy abused. I was very pretty as a boy. Many mistook me for a girl until they got to know me. I was being touched and flirted with by both sexes and various age groops. This made me unconformable; but, I was already so damaged from previous violence related trauma that I had no voice. I was sexualy abused beyound just touching when I was nine and I did not have a vouce. I could not talk about it. i was so ashamed and scared.

I withdrew further into my lonely stare and broke myaelf down. I was sexualy abused again when I was 13. He was mid thirties and a drug dealer. He lured me in with the guise of a party and then drugged me. I had no voice, I never spike if it. I just ran further away into my lonely stare.

I lost a huge part of my heart smiles along the way and have always been unable to connect. I never talked about it I just burried down deep. I have seen a wonderful therapist for 5 years now. She is helping me to reconnect myself and find my heart smile. I talk to her about my trauma as a child; but, I still have not talked to her about the sexual abuse. You are the first person I have said it to outside of my lonely soul.

Thank you for helping me to take this step and I am ready. I would protect all if us from that kind of pain. It is a very difficult shame and fear to live with. We are all worthy of the heart smiles and to feel safe.
I am a beautiful one and I love myself and all of those that cherish the light within. I am so sorry that I could not protect all of us from the shame; but, I will do my best to love my way back into the light and say hell no to those that lack the respect and love within.

I hope that you can find a good therapist that will be able to help you process through that trauma and love your way back into the light. We have a right to be safe there and loved true! Best wishes MarsM.you are loved, respected and honored here.

 

[MarsM]

Hello. Thank you for being brave and protecting you. You were hurt very deep and it hurts my soul th...

Thanks for your love and support. I'm sorry for what you went through too. It is definitely hard to talk about.

I haven't been sleeping lately.I've only been getting about 4 -5 hours sleep a night. In fact I woke up about an hour ago. After years and years of pushing it down, I feel like it's finally blew up and it can't be contained anymore. I'm fighting for myself, finally!

Lately though I have been angry and hypervigilant, like I was when it first happened. It's strange - like I'm reliving the past but without the abuse. I'm having a hard time reliving everything, but I am desperately trying to align my perspective it.

I have another appointment today, so we will see how it goes.

 

[Canticle]

Yes, I am so happy to hear that you are ready to work it out. Love is the greatest blessing.

I am very fortunate to have found a very gifted trauma councelor. If at first you don't succeed; try and try again. You are worth all the heart smile in regard to love and happiness. Life may give up on us at times; but, we can not give up on ourselves.

Trauma can not be time stamped until we are ready and strong enough to carry the burden back to the light and safety of love within. I am walking the same path. You are not alone!