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Abused as kid, now 42 and new sexual confusion

Hi.
Im really needing opinion from other survivors or understanding people. I stumbled upon this forum by searching for help and it looks a suitable place.

In a nutshell, my father sexual abused me until I was about 10yrs old, on/off by touching or once raping me (the only time I can recall anyway). My childhood was on hindsight entirely sexualised. I can remember sexually touching my younger sibling when I was aged 4 or 5. Obviously I now understand I was probably acting out what was happening to me.

Im now no contact with my mother, father, brother, sister etc as I reported all this to the police and it was dealt with.

The issue I have is that now, out of nowhere, I now seem to be watching porn at almost every opportunity when my wife and family go out.

Ive now started looking for porn that resembles a hot 20 something I saw earlier as if to imagjne what it would be like to have sex with her- even though I know its entirely unrealistic that Id actually risk my marriage over it if offered to me, or unrealistically would be able to have a normal relationship with them due to the generational gap.

And Ive now for some reason started searching for mother/son and brother/sister porn. The thought of this in real life disgusts me to the core. But somehow I imagine how it must be 'good' and even I hate to say a fantasy.

My head is getting more and more screwed up by the day. Ive tried pornblockers and they block too much normal info searches. Theres no way I can discuss this with my wife.

Where do I start? What do you think about me?
 
Where do I start? What do you think about me?

I will start with the second question. I think you are someone who has been through a lot and I can, unfortunately, relate. My story is very similar. Posting here and working with my therapist taught me I am not a bad person. Porn can tap into a traumatized brain in a very powerful way and it's hard to work through. Trying to let go of the shame is an important part of that. Posting here is a big first step.

If you don't have a therapist, I encourage you to seek one out who is ok talking about trauma and porn.
 
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