Abused - Your Role In The Relationship

[piratelady]

This has been a topic in therapy for a bit now. My therapist has been encouraging me to get back out there, romantically, and said that it would help me with my trauma. My trauma was the abusive marriage I was in for quite some time. One of my fears is that I will have a repeat of that abuse and it will just be a cycle that repeats.

Well, I have found myself in a relationship of sorts and my therapist picked up on a pattern. This new person said some things that were critical of me. There have been times when I've said something he didn't agree with, he made fun of me. My therapist asked me how I responded. I told him I quit speaking about those things he criticized and tried to mask what he didn't like about me.

Therapist then made an observation. By not speaking up when I felt someone was being hurtful towards me I was setting myself up to fall back into the role of the abused. I was allowing someone to bully me into compliance, so to speak. The incidents in this new relationship are not abusive but my response was the same as it was when I was being abused. I immediately fell into a role where I was compliant and tried to change myself to avoid being hurt by someone.

I am told the proper response is to speak up and essentially defend myself. Communicate that what they said was hurtful, etc. The thought of doing that is scary, but I do see where it is necessary. By making myself heard it is less likely that I will fall back into the role I was once in. He says, in a non-abusive relationship they do not always realize what they said is hurtful. That is where communicating is necessary. If the problem persists, that is a sign that it might be time to move on.

I thought this would be an interesting topic to discuss here as many of us are recovering from some sort of abuse and are looking to find a way to have healthy relationships. This is a pattern I never noticed before, but now that it has been pointed out - I can see how I have been this way for a very long time. Hopefully now I will be able to break the cycle!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear PL I have nothing useful to add but very important topic I think.

I think the hard part is that one has to feel safe to express it (that), and if you aren't or don't it seems only logical not to. (If that makes sense).

:hug:

 

[piratelady]

It does make sense, and for me I think that speaks to the heart of my problem. I know I need to speak up when I feel mistreated, but because of previous abuse it doesn't feel safe to do so. I guess the biggest obstacle is to do it anyway, despite the fear. Hopefully we can all learn to do this, at least to some extent.

I know I wrote all of this, but I have yet to actually speak up for what I want in any relationship. I am going to keep working at it and hope after I've done it a few times it will get easier.

 

[Meadowsweet]

You're doing great piratelady, and what your therapist says makes a lot of sense.

It's something that I yo-yo with. I try to be good and perfect for others. But then when others show signs of taking the dominance that I've given them, I try to defend myself. But I'm too frightened and speak too sharply or try to over-explain and come across as a bit too pushy, nagging or aggressive in trying to have my voice heard. Then I go back to being passive because I beat myself up for getting it so wrong.

So, there is a lot I need to learn. But I think it's only by trying that we can learn.

 

[Hashi]

He says, in a non-abusive relationship they do not always realize what they said is hurtful. That is where communicating is necessary. If the problem persists, that is a sign that it might be time to move on.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given about letting someone in a relationship know what they said was hurtful is to gently say, "Ouch. That hurt."

I've found that so much easier than to start off with a big assertive statement, and it's like your T says. If the relationship is not abusive, the other person will want you to communicate with them.

I think it's great that you're working on this, and it sounds like your T is spot on. Good luck.

 

[Nicolette]

By not speaking up when I felt someone was being hurtful towards me I was setting myself up to fall back into the role of the abused.

I've written this somewhere before but I ended up in unhealthy relationships due to my childhood. I went to where I was comfortable even though it came at a cost of being abused.

My pivotal point was asking myself "what did I do to get here?" when I was in the bathroom watching the blood drip from my face with my boyfriend telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me.

It finally clicked that I did play a role in ending up being abused - I didn't talk about those things I didn't like and just tried to ignore them. I also ignored my gut instincts.

I am told the proper response is to speak up and essentially defend myself. Communicate that what they said was hurtful, etc.

This is me today and once you get the hang of it, it is not that bad and people don't necessarily run away - the goods ones step up and respect your boundaries. ;)

 

[Sailorgal]

I wish I had this awhile ago....

Not only are the above posts on voicing your discomfort with certain remarks, it is beneficial to voice what IS appropriate for you. If it's his personality, it WILL happen again at one point and you just might be at the overflowing state.

You want him to be himself but inconsiderate of your situation. You also want to grow in trust and be comfortable in a normal, healthy relationship. Discuss what bothers you but be sure you don't state it in a way it chokes it.

State the problem - Offer a solution.

Problem: It offended me when you stated I looked funny in that shirt.

Solution: I know you were only being funny, but I would appreciate if you only joke about the shirt being funny looking.

I don't know how much you have opened up about your PTSD so don't give him a reason to label you as such.

 

[KatB]

"Abused" is a misused and repeated term for just what others think as physical. People dismiss emotional or verbal abuse as harmful or dangerous as physical. Anyways...

Point: I have a great ability to avoid others so they wont get hurt but I also know I've avoided others so I don't have to invest into another relationship: romantically or just friendship. Honesty, value, and self-worth are things that have been repeatedly stripped away from relationships I've had with fam/friends. Romantically, I've always seem to fall for the wrong ones, "not-ready"ones, or incapable of giving what I need from them. I guess I attract what seems to be the guys who just dont or are not capable to love me, seriously. Deep stuff...

 

[therapybankrupt]

This hits home piratelady! I have been out of my marriage for eight years. I am terrified to get in a relationship. After reading your post it made me think of how similar your reaction to shut down instead of saying it hurt were to my reactions in the past. Maybe if my reactions were different the outcome would be different.

Nicolette I agree neglecting to set boundaries are very much to blame when you have to shut down to the hurt.

Possibly I will be less afraid to commit to a relationship if I learn to set boundaries. Something to work on!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I sure glad you have a T to talk about these types of things. I set myself up to be a victim too. I still do it, it is so ingrained in my speech patterns. I am slowy learning. You will set your limits and boundries because you are really good at that PL. You take really good care of yourself. I have seen you do it too many times. You have a strong sense of self. You know what you want and you know what you do not want.

It is hard when one is caught off guard by the off the wall comments. You can do it sweetly and take better care of yourself. You are a survivor and a victim no longer. You are worth a few well placed comments to him to set him straight to respect you. Because that is so important. Wishing you best.

 

[Abstract]

Grief. I have had so much therapy about this stuff. Years and years and years of it. The interesting thing is that I have almost always been able to defend others but not myself. For me what I would do is appear to be totally unaffected and if it was more severe I would freeze and dissociate. I never felt anger and my fight response was non existent and that actually made it more difficult to be assertive as I could not even tell that I needed to be. I was so used to not having boundaries and so disconnected from myself that I did not even realise when someone was trampling on my boundaries.

I don't think I could ever have changed without my therapists constant support and encouragement and my willingness to do what was hard even though it felt almost life-threatening to do. Even more than that being assertive or setting down any boundary at all was followed by intense backlash of guilt, self hatred and intense self doubt that lasted for literal weeks afterwards and was tortuous.

What helped me is my strong logical mind. I read the literature and listened to my T and knew the concept of what I had to do. And I have always been a bit single minded. So I was committed to doing what I had to do every time so that I could change my automatic responses.

It resulted in my marriage being very different and for me not being in an abusive relationship now for over two years (work, friends,family) and for the first time in my life. There have been some incidents at home in that time sadly (husband) if I am forcing myself to be honest but I still feel I can more or less claim this.

It is still hard sometimes. Sometimes I freeze and am not able. Most of the time as difficult as it is it is very much easier than in the past. And other times it is automatic and fairly easy.

There are problems I have that I need to discuss that I think are dissociative where I don't know something has happened (can sometimes only find out a year later at times) and I am not able to defend myself as a result but I still feel like this does not take away from the success I have had with all the rest.

Piratelady, what helped me a lot is to expect that it was going to be frightening and hard; to expect backlash; and to accept that I needed to do it no matter how hard it was. A bit like excruciating growing pains in a way.

I also realised there were many ways to lay down a boundary. Sometimes even looking displeased can be something.

Credit to you and good luck!:tup:

 

[Shellbell]

It's been interesting reading this thread. I too have been in multiple abusive relationships from birth. When I got to 30, having just removed myself from my first marriage and my alcoholic/physically abusive husband (that had no boundaries), I decided enough was enough. No-one was going to ever get the chance to hurt me again. My walls went up and my barriers and boundaries were very clear. I went to the other extreme. I adopted a 'don't mess with me' attitude. Then I wouldn't get hurt again. I decided I would never rely on, or depend on anyone and be completely independent. Of course it was a very brittle wall and exterior built on and fuelled by fear.

My current marriage started off with me being completely in control and my husband who is easy going, likes to avoid stress and responsibility, was happy about that. I micro managed everything - including him. Mostly he was totally okay with it and if not, would just sulk. He knew the boundaries and they were all set by me. My husband knew if he laid a finger on me, or told me what to do, or tried to stop me doing something - he would be gone. I was very vocal about how I was the boss. The need for control led to me being obsessed with it and my T has identified my need for control as the opposite extreme of having accepted so much abuse previously.

So, I am not repeating patterns from the past which is good, but have created a whole new problem at the other extreme. I am having to learn to tone down some of my boundaries and barriers, and that creates fear and is just as hard as trying to build them up.