Abusive Relationship-want Him Back?

[Jen93]

I really don't get it. I know I'm warped. I was in an abusive relationship for three years and broke it off in March. I initiated No Contact, and it's been going well: he hasn't contacted me; but I still have that fear.

I know that if I were to see him today though, I would want to both hurt him and hug him??? I don't get it. I know it was a bad relationship and he was manipulating me. I know he hurt me; and I know I did the right thing breaking up with him. Why do I want to go back to that situation? Why do I kind of miss him even though I'm getting memories of our relationship that I can't stand and make me cry?

Even my therapist told me that he was manipulative and abusive. This can't be normal. Do I like being hurt and treated like I have no voice? I just don't get it. It's seriously thrown me a curve ball this new mindset that I want him back.

Is this normal?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Jen93 If you came from a dysfunctional home where abuse was abundant, the yes, I can understand why you feel the way that you do. It's a "normal" way of life for people that suffered abuse during childhood to "seek out" and find that way of life again and again. It's what we know, it's safe, it what we are use to...

But no, it's really not normal. And if it's because of past abuse, then you really need to break the cycle.

 

[Friday]

The human heart is an incredible, amazing, thing. Our capacity to love knows no bounds. Not even those of sense, or self preservation.

I was lucky in my 2nd abusive relationship to have lost all feeling for my ex before leaving him. Years before leaving him. I didn't stay because I loved the prick.

It was my 1st abusive relationship that taught me that love isn't enough. Love doesn't conquer all. And love is most definitely not a reason to stay with someone. In point of fact, if that's all there is? That's reason to not just walk, but run the f*ck up and away from that particular shit show.

It's really normal to still have feelings for people we've broken up with. Whether they're good, and, or indifferent. <rueful> Whether that's the person or the feelings. With abusive relationships? Everything is so much more intensified, to the point of it becoming a life or death situation on a regular basis on some scores; that I can't imagine it being any less normal to still have feelings after leaving those relationships, as leaving healthy ones. Especially as one usually leaves an abusive relationship, not once feelings have faded or never come, but right in the midst of intense feeling. Of many kinds.

So I'll have to respectfully disagree with SheCat. From everything I know & have known, nothing could be more normal.

I didn't come out of an abusive home. There was no childhood pattern of expectations or way of life. And until my first abusive relationship, I'd never had one, before. The vast majority of men that I'd dated ranged from really f*cking decent men to outright exceptional blokes.

 

[Beemo3780]

I left a really violent marriage several years ago. Don't go back. Keep running in the opposite direction. Don't even look back.

Look, it only gets worse. So many people tried to get me away from my ex, and it wasn't until I myself saw him for what he really was when I finally got away. I went back to him probably 4 or 5 times. Every single time, it turned into this power thing he had over me. I would feel bad for him, tried to rationalize in my head that he was a damaged person and needed me, that did a LOT of damage to me. I came from abuse, it was pretty much all I knew, and when we started out, his abuse wasn't as bad as my parents' was. But he gave them a run for their money. It started off as little things, but after about 10 years, I was basically his punching bag. I couldn't even sleep at night because I was so afraid of him.

He thought he could beat me down to nothing, so he would have all the control over me. The final time I left, he held me down in my bedroom for 6 hours after smashing my phone and pulling the internet wires out, and beat me and kicked me with his shoes on. My face was fractured in 3 spots, and 2 of my ribs were cracked. He probably would've killed me had my friends not shown up at my house with the police after not hearing from me when they knew I was about to leave him.

I will never get those years back he took from me, and I'm in my mid 30s now just finally getting to start my life. All I can say is that no one should make you feel hurt or scared or anything. Stay away from those people. My situation may sound extreme, but I was once a 17 year old girl who saw him as an amazing, adventurous guy that really loved me. I know how quickly that can all change.

 

[mamachick]

Please just get those thoughts of returning out of your head. I can assure you, when it didn't work the first time, it won't the next time, abusive or not. I have been in your shoes, and have also been with an abusive man for 30 yrs that only pushed me down 2 times. The control has stolen my life, my children sanity, and so much more. It is normal to feel suffering, yearning, and all those thought. You do not have to attempt to comfort yourself. You pain will fade.

 

[yes]

In the same boat. All he gave me is CPTSD. I have been no contact for 45 days now. My therapist who is a very balanced person uses words like violence, abuse, gang type abuse. It is what he is. I miss stupid things. His face. But my home is peaceful without him. My life is peaceful. He does not contact me. He is blocked anyway but he does not. His silence is abuse. Like everrything else. If I think to my inner child, I Can feel how SHE is afraid of him. I cannot betray that little girl. She has only me......

 

[aut555]

You became addicted to the repetition pattern of abuse to get his"love". His love put you where you are today. It's not love, it's his abuse, he will do this to the next victim unless you decided not to relinquish that part. If you truly love yourself, you Will let go of everything, emotions, memories, of this hateful person. Be thankful you are alive and functioning. Domestic abuse and violence stats are shocking, don't look back. Keeping moving forward, you are one of the lucky ones.

 

[Eagle3]

I know how you feel. I feel the same way about my abusive Martial arts instructor and the man who became my first real best friend in 20 years. I finally quit his classes, don't really talk to him much, but after living with him for 2 years and being a big part of his life (and he was the center of mine) for 5 years, I still find my face smiles when I hear his voice on the phone, even if all he does is make me feel worthless again. I find myself wanting to go back and see him, even though I know what's coming. I still have the BIGGEST crush on that man, although I know it would never work out, we'd kill each other at some point. Doesn't matter, I still think about what could have been, what I wish had been, and how he's just really messed up (I never take his abuse personally).

Good to see this thread here.

 

[aut555]

I know how you feel. I feel the same way about my abusive Martial arts instructor and the man who became m...

I love that, how many people think that l wonder? But in the end , we fall back to reality. It's us choosing to remember only the good and let go of the rest.