Undiagnosed Addict Whos Love Got Killed In Front Of Him

[Boomhopeless]

Hello PTSD Forum,

I don't much want to say my name (yet) but I'm not sure if PTSD is something that happens hours, days, months, or years after the tragedy.

I recently turned 21. I recently got out of rehab for opiate abuse that went on for 2 years. Basically.. Me and my girlfriend of 4 years both got clean together, and everything was going so well. She came into my life and changed everything. I was never as happy as I was when I was with her. Our friends called us hobbits because we spent our days trapped inside my little room listening to records and having a great time just being alone together. We were planning on having a baby and I was just getting to thinking a bout proposing.

Well... A little more than a week ago we decided to walk to a local bar not too far from my house. We went in, had a beer or two each, had a great time, and left. It wasn't 30 seconds after walking our the door did my girlfriend walk right into the road and get slammed by a vehicle going around 40 MPH. She died instantly.. right in front of me.

I'm afraid I can't type too much more into detail because it freaks me out to think about it and it is not something I want to think too hard about. The medics had to take me to the hospital and sedate me because I was in complete hysterics crying my eyes out screaming to please help her. I saw the WHOLE THING.

It replays over and over again, all day in my head. The sound and all. I haven't gone back to using drugs because I am on anti relapse medication.

I don't know how long it takes to develope PTSD symptoms but I am a complete wreck. I'm suicidal. Life will never be the same again. I'm convinced that I will never be happy again. I have nightmares in which I'm paralyzed and scream as loud as i possibly can but I still can't wake up. I can't eat. I sliced my arms and legs open with a razor and surprisingly felt a lot better. Every day I wake up the reality is too harsh and it's like a wave of fear overcomes me. When I think of her smile it makes me cry :(

I never got to say goodbye. She was only 22. As each day goes by I realize more and more things that make me just want to off myself. Just tonight I started thinking about how shitty of a boyfriend I was. It was my idea to go to the bar. So I blame myself. I want to kill myself but I have a deep fear that it will not bring me to her.

I don't know how PTSD works. but I am just not the same person I used to be..

Thanks for allowing me to introduce myself.

 

[piratelady]

Welcome to the forum Boom. I am so sorry for your loss. Have a look around the site, there is a lot of information about PTSD. No one here can diagnose you, as you would need a trained mental health professional for that. Are you seeing someone to talk about what you have been through and to start processing it? That is a good place to start.

I sliced my arms and legs open with a razor and surprisingly felt a lot better.

There are quite a few people here who use, or have used, that as a coping technique. As you browse the site, I think you will find people who can relate to what you are going through.

 

[safenow]

Think of me as an eldery grandmother who wants to cuddle you in a warm blanket and rock you as you cry, until you fall asleep. Bless your heart, that is a horrible thing to witness. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know first hand how hard it is to witness a loved one getting killed.

You need to give yourself time to mourn for her. They say it takes a year full year to process it when things happen, But I know sometimes it takes even longer than that. Try to be kind to yourself. It was not your fault. Right now you might not believe that, but it's truth. It was not your fault.

When you get a chance, contact the local hospital and ask for a support group in your area. Being around others who have recently lost a loved one can help in the healing process. Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you didn't get stoned. I know she wouldn't have wanted you to do that either.

Safenow

 

[Sailorgal]

I'm sorry for your loss Boom, but even more for how tortured you are feeling.

I know it's extremely painful to lose someone you love and plan to have a life with. But in the midst of the tears and pain, remember the gift of love that she gave you. Honor her wonderful memory and celebrate what you had with her by living a life that will make her proud.

We all want to turn back the clock. Unfortunately it keeps moving forward. The anguish does subside....in time....

 

[Ruckster]

I agree you ought to talk to a professional about your feelings. My T (who i think is the smartest on the planet) says there is a 30 day window for processing trauma. It doesn't need to be completely sorted in 30 days, but there are several steps involved and if people who experience horrible things get thru at least a good portion of those steps in 30 days, they don't seem to develop PTSD.

This is why most police and fire dpts now have mandatory counseling for employees who deal with horrible situations and why grief counselor s are right away meeting with survivors of disasters etc.

Your experience is very fresh and I hope you can start managing it right away.

I am sorry for your loss. Welcome!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Boomhopeless]

Think of me as an eldery grandmother who wants to cuddle you in a warm blanket and rock you as you cry, until you fall asleep. Bless your heart, that is a horrible thing to witness. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know first hand how hard it is to witness a loved one getting killed.

Thank you very much for your kind words. My moms been trying to work that out for me. I'm not very optimistic because I've never been able to understand how counseling really helps.. but it probably will. I'm surprised I haven't started yet it's been a good 3 weeks almost.

I've had a good 2 days of feeling pretty ok. Now I'm afraid I'm going back to that place. Everything reminds me of her. .she was a real sweetheart. Definately not a typical girlfriend. I just can't stop seeing it happen and sometimes I hear it as if it is happening in front of me. The worst part is how fast it happened.. and how literally seconds before it happened we were laughing and telling eachother how happy we were that we were going to spend the night together for the first time in months.

I will say this. She was very troubled and often talked about suicide. She wasn't very happy about being brought into this world. Her mom had passed 3 years ago and she never properly grieved. She also had PTSD from a horrible childhood. I know saying that she wanted to die makes me look like a horrible boyfriend not worth living for. Actually.. I was the only thing keeping her going. That makes me feel even worse..

The only thing that keeps me going is that shes finally free. I'm trying to look at the bigger picture. I just miss her so much.

My symptoms have been nightmares and horrible rage. I get very angry at very stupid things and then I can't get them off my mind. I know they say it takes 3 months to really know if you have PTSD but I feel like I already have it.

 

[safenow]

I'm not very optimistic because I've never been able to understand how counseling really helps.. but it probably will.

Sugar, the sooner you talk to someone about what happened, the better off you will be. I'm so happy your mom is supportive for you. Having that good support after an event like this can make the difference between having PTSD or not getting it. You will never forget her, but you don't have to always remember what happened and the way it happened. But unless you get the right type of help, you will suffer needlessly for many years.

I know you feel guilty, even though you shouldn't, but don't allow yourself to punish yourself. She would not have wanted you to do that. Your mom would not want you to do that either. And I don't want you to suffer needlessly either.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hello,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. She sounds like a wonderful young woman.

I can only imagine what you're going through. I'm glad to hear that your mum is supporting you and you're not taking drugs. That's a real achievement and something she would be immensely proud of you for.

As its so raw right now, it seems as if you're suffering from 'acute stress disorder', very similar to PTSD but is from the immediate aftermath of an event. That is why the first month is important to seek counselling. I'm not an expert though and not trying to diagnose you. Just trying to outline and emphasise that trying counselling as soon as possible is important.

I also self harmed, for about 4 years. I guess you could say I was addicted to it, addicted to the endorphin and adrenaline release. But it's such a destructive and sad path to go down. You're not to blame, you're hurting enough already.

Regards, Ice

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.