Adoption

[Casey_03]

This is hard for me to write, but I am writing nonetheless.

More and more, I am thinking my 11-month-old son will have a better life if I give him up for adoption. It was something that I contemplated during the pregnancy but ultimately decided against.

Now, however, I am realizing that perhaps it would be for the best. I love him more than words can express, but he will never have the healthy environment he needs with me. I cannot provide him with a proper home and I can't provide him with the big, loving family that he needs. Wouldn't he better off with a married couple with money? Who can give him a home and a stress-free, loving environment?

All I can give him is a single, very stressed out mother who doesn't earn enough to get him a home, who doesn't have a support network of loving family and friends, who has essentially nothing but love. I don't think love is enough. In fact, I know it's not.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 I know that right now at this time, that you are faced with some tough issues. Home, job, family, support. I get it, you feel stressed to the max. You feel like a failure. You feel that as a mother you just can't do what "YOU THINK" a mother should be or do. You have PTSD which compounds everything. I get it, I really do.

There were many times as a single parent(and married for a short time when my daughter was young) that I was faced with many of the same issues. Although I wasn't the best mother in the world, I did love my daughter. I know that you love your son too.

I can't tell you what to do, and no one here will. I think what you need to do, I really think hard and long about what you are contemplating. Think about the pros and cons. What it might do to your mental health. What kind of an impact it would have not only on you, but on your son also.

Many many things to consider and this isn't something that you should not be deciding while being stressed out and in a state of depression. Which I believe you are in!!!!!

Please think long and hard....... I do understand, I really do...

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Hi Casey! This is great, that you are willing to express how you truly feel and must have taken a lot of bravery. I am currently a single mother as well so, I can definitely sympathize with you how stressful it is to take care of a child on your own. I think it might help if you did get involved in some kind of play group or group of mothers who can help support you when times get rough. I am currently in a MOPS group (this is a group of mothers who meet twice a month and talk about the ups and downs of motherhood)- they have groups all over the country-and they usually offer childcare during the meetings. If you look up their main website you can perhaps find a group close to you. You also say above all you have is love-well that counts for A LOT! Loving your child doesn't only help your child grow into an amazing loving person themselves but, also teaches the child how to properly love others. It is my personal opinion that showing a child how to handle relationships properly and how to love others right is one of the best gifts you can give them and can really set them up for success in their marriages and with their own children. I am sorry that you feel that you don't have much support-that must be really tough. I guess my first suggestion would be to try to get that source of support- fortunately for mothers I feel like it is easier to build that support network and make friends as there are usually a lot of playgroups or just going to your local park is a great way to make friends and build a support network. I hope I helped a little bit! I don't know if you are religious but I will be keeping you in my prayers!

 

[Casey_03]

The lack of support has just been reinforced for me. My sister called, I told her about the situation (in tears, explaining how terrible it feels to not be able to give my son a home). Her response? "Well I have problems too. My landlord just called demanding back pay for water bills." She then went on to explain how she will have to cash out her $60,000 in profit sharing and her boyfriend, who pays their rent, will have to cash out the $100,000 he has in a 401K. And then they'll have to move.

For me, that just highlights how incredibly poor I am. No savings. No home. About $1,000 in the bank.

@WishfulThinking123 Thank you, I will look into MOPS. Had not heard of them before. I have searched for play groups and mothers' groups in my area, but they all meet when I'm working. Had been hoping to move to an area where there might be groups with more flexible meeting times (or just more meetings, in general), but now that is not happening. But I will keep searching. And you did help, so thank you. I appreciate it.

@She Cat You make very good points. It's definitely not a decision for when I'm under stress. I guess I will keep researching it and thinking about it, and return to it when, and if, I am in a more stable position.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 I know that things seem really bleak right now for you, and that depression and stress are a huge component that may be clouding your judgement.

I want you to think about things this way just for a bit, and let all of it sink in.... If your job was secure, you had a better place to live and you had either a support system or a really good friend, would you still be considering adoption for your son????

I'm not in anyway trying to make you feel guilty, or ashamed or anything. I honestly just want you to make a decision based on what would be the "Best" for your son, and not make a decision based on how you feel about things at the moment.

You are in a tough situation right now, but maybe in a few weeks or months, things could turn around and all of this shit will be left in the dust......

When I was pregnant for my daughter, I wanted an abortion. I was too young. I was pregnant @17 and undiagnosed PTSD. My mother forced me to continue with the pregnancy. I loved my daughter, but we've had a verbally volatile relationship since she was in her teens. We are estranged now and honestly it's for the best, for both of us. So, I do understand how you feel...

 

[Casey_03]

If your job was secure, you had a better place to live and you had either a support system or a really good friend, would you still be considering adoption for your son????

I definitely wouldn't if things were stable. And I guess that is the problem -- my fear is that things will never be stable. Because I will never have enough money to keep things stable. That's the real problem here, money. It's not even the lack of support. But I am realizing now how hard it will be to ever earn enough to provide for my son, as someone with massive student loan debt and a job in a dying industry that just doesn't pay well. I had been quite optimistic up until this point, and planned on getting a job in a new field or going back to school ... but I am slowly realizing how impossible that will be without money for daycare.

I will definitely think about things long and hard and I won't rush into anything. Honestly, it hurts me deeply to even have this thought cross my mind. But I am thinking about him, and not myself.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Would it be possible to find a school with an onsite daycare? A lot of time community colleges have on campus daycares and for their students who are in financial need they can greatly reduce the cost. Also colleges will often have "work study" programs but these don't usually pay much but, rather help pay for school. Colleges also usually have a list of potential jobs in the community and can help in obtaining another job. Or maybe you can start nannying on the side...sometimes they will let you bring your children with you. I used to have a nighttime nanny job that was an overnight gig while the parent was working night shifts.

 

[Casey_03]

@WishfulThinking123 It will be possible, but not right now. I'd have to wait until I have more money. I've looked into financial aid and grants/scholarships, and even with financial aid I wouldn't be able to afford it. I'd basically have to get a full ride scholarship.

Really, a lot of it depends on where I'm moving to. And I don't know that yet. It's all up in the air. If I move to an area near a university, I will definitely look into work study programs.

 

[Cannottakethis]

@Casey_03
I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you love your child so much.
I can tell you as an adopted child that giving him up will change your life and his life forever. You may think that you're giving him to a better family but just because a couple is married doesn't mean they can provide the love and support one needs to grow and thrive.
Being adopted is at the core of my abandonment issues and my borderline personality disorder. I never felt the love from my parents that I see with other children with their birth parents.
Please feel free to send me a private message if you want, but if you can keep your baby, your love is extremely important to his well being, way more important, in my opinion, than a 2 parent household or a big family.

 

[Fadeaway]

At the end of the day, he needs the healthy attachment he has with you more than he needs anything else. He is so lucky to have a mom who loves him so much. Attachment disorders are so difficult and I am afraid if you put him up for adoption that would result in an attachment disorder for him.

FASFA often pays you more than your schooling costs and it doesn't need to be paid pack, so it's a little extra money in your pocket.

 

[Friday]

Student Family Services has a different pay scheme than standard financial aid. Meaning you apply separately, usually in a building the far side of campus from Student Services & the Financial Aid department (bureaucracy :rolleyes: ) and they don't cut you a check. They cut a check directly to the daycare/preschool. That if you are unable to use the (usually free / part of your student family services aid package) on-campus daycare, typically.

Conversely, when I wasn't enrolled/my son was older, I still tapped the University Early Childhood Education student pool. $20 a night (when I live in an area where McChildcare is $15 per hour) + home cooked meal + quiet place to study = I could work nights, with my son sleeping at home, & a very overly qualified babysitter there on the off chance he woke up. Screaming deal for all of us. I had both regulars & a waitlist of subs. Including some RN students who were down for sick-child childcare, so I didn't even have to take time off work when he was mildly ill. LMAO. Hourly vitals on a cold. :inlove:

 

[eloc]

Love is the most important thing - I hope you can manage but understand the struggles and sacrifices -sending all healing power and strength your way while you struggle with you and your families wellbeing.