Supporter Adult son is in an abusive relationship

[Why no handbook !]

Hi everyone. I don't go on forums but having to reach out for my own sanity as chat GPT can only go so far. Crikey dont know where to start. Ill try and keep it short. Son in long term relationship 8+ yrs, they have lived together for the past 3 years. Something has always been OFF but we continue to make and effort with her, take her out and include her although weve never been close/feel uncomfortable in her presence. We now believe he is in trauma bonding stage. Last week he blocked her completely but she found her way back in by turning up, manipulating/coffee meet up. He has sessions booked in with a therapist (without us prompting) and says she is speaking to someone as well now. We are staying calm, making no comment just waiting for the next outburst from her at which point he leaves. A few items were brought to out house but have now been moved back this morning. The signs are all there, control, manipulation, highs and lows - do we now just sit back and wait? Not even sure how much or what he's told his therapist as has been told not to discuss anything which I understand. What do I say when he comes round as everything is so awkward, I just give him loads of food to ear (we don't mention her, should we ?) Handbook required ! Thank you for any advice, it means a lot and will be invaluable x

 

[parrotthepolly]

Is it possible to get a restraining order against her if he also has moved on? Has he told her that they broke up yet cause unless there has been an agreement, blocking doesn't make it clear enough for some people.

 

[arfie]

hello whyno. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

participating in support groups like this one, both live and online, can go a surprisingly long way toward sorting through these domestic confusions. i might have been the DIL in the scenario you paint here, but working through the confusion with considerable help from my therapy friends went a long way toward enabling the 45th anniversary hubs and i will celebrate next month. it weren't easy, but? ? ? if it was easy, everybody would do it.

steadying support while you sort your own piece of the family puzzle. easy does it, good mother.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum!

Watching someone work their way out of an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. On average, it takes people more than a dozen attempts to leave violent relationships before they finally leave for good. The emotions involved are extremely powerful.

Being unconditional, patient support may feel like you’re doing nothing, but it’s a critical part of the equation.

 

[Why no handbook !]

Thank you for the responses. I'm trying the patient support route but its so difficult, he is constantly on my mind. The tension is building again feel its only a matter of time before another outburst from her.

 

[Sideways]

The tension is building again feel its only a matter of time before another outburst from her.

Are the outbursts at you?

If so, be clear in your mind in advance how you’ll handle that. Walking out the minute an outburst kicks off sends a pretty clear statement to everyone present: I won’t tolerate being spoken to that way.

Modelling healthy boundaries like that can be incredibly powerful and helpful for the people around you.

 

[Why no handbook !]

Are the outbursts at you?

If so, be clear in your mind in advance how you’ll handle that. Walking out the minute an outburst kicks off sends a pretty clear statement to everyone present: I won’t tolerate being spoken to that way.

Modelling healthy boundaries like that can be incredibly powerful and helpful for the people around you.

... The outburst will be aimed at my Son. I am the one that she makes contact with when she has no control over him/he has blocked her He is currently in trauma bonding stage, booked himself in with a therapist, just had 3rd session this week. Don't know how its gone as therapist has indicated its not for discussion which is fine plus he's isolating himself again. Its heartbreaking to sit back and do/say nothing but I'v been to told to be patient x