Relationship Advice emotional shut off

[OrangeJulius]

Read your own words:

I feel like I'm only brought out when he is feeling okayish

it's like he just doesn't care

I have needs too.

With ANY relationship (PTSD or not) if your needs are not met.....you owe it to yourself to move on. Now, of course you should first communicate that with your partner of what you feel you're missing. Even better if you could give an example of what happened and a better way to have gone about it. But if after he knows your position and your needs are still not met.... you owe it to yourself to move on. At that point he would have had his opportunity to change things to keep you around and if he doesn't....well, you are just as important as him and since you're the only one looking out for you....you have to put your long term well being over his. Doing it the other way around doesn't help anybody.

 

[B0103mcus]

Read your own words:






With ANY relationship (PTSD or not) if your needs are not met.....you o...

Why are you with him when he can’t meet your needs?

These are questions and points I often ask myself, alot more or late. Ive always self sustained and been exteemely independent. Its like I wish I knew what it was like to have someone be there for my needs, but I'm use to it not being that it way. Maybe that's why I've over stayed?

The last few weeks he has actually been stepping up, but I think it's because close family and friends have been calling him out for what he doesn't do. For me I am struggling with "this is the calm before the storm". I know it is super negative, but it's kind of the pattern. I have been quite vocal in my boundaries and telling him this is "on you for it to work because I've been doing my part for so long".

I've been very much setting and maintaining boundaries, but I just feel like this will never actually be a relationship that I need with or without the PTSD. I don't know if I'm handling things better right now or I'm just starting to not care because I am tired. It still drives me mad that I will say something and what he interprets is so not what the context of what I was saying. Or if he takes a call from another corps buddy his demeanor and thought process is all off.

I just don't know, but I am starting to look at other interactions with male colleagues or acquaintances and think "wow it's nice to have a conversation without underlying hurt or worry that I'm going to see a monster pop out". I hate that that is even a thought or that the person I think I still love I don't feel that peace, security, and comfort with right now.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

It's been a few weeks since I posted l. I wanted to once again thank everyone for their advice, insight, and suggestions. The forum has made me feel sane again. Not alone!. We (sufferer and I) are still together, but I feel myself slipping into a depression. I try to encoruage therapy together, but I'm met with silence or an "I don't want to be doing therapy all the time". At this point, I would just like to be heard and validated. I feel like I'm this over filled to the max water balloon that is about to burst with who knows what emotions. I just wish I could tell him everything I feel and why I'm tired, hurt, and frustrated, but I know he wont get it and it will only cause another isolation period followed by drama (the cycle). I guess until I'm ready to fully accept that this is just how it is going to be I will just keep burrying my feelings. I just fear l am eventually going to become entirely numb. I love him and I only want what is best for him, but also for me. Maybe we aren't meant for one another in terms of a relationship at this time in our lives or maybe I'm just giving up the fight :(. I wish it were black and white. It'd be so much easier.

B0103mcus, when I read your posts it's like reading my own thoughts.?

 

[B0103mcus]

Not my thread, but thanks for that @LuckiLee. There are some great posts in this one.

@Blueusmc0103 Maybe this is just the mushy mood I'm in right now, but is it possible to continue loving him while also recognizing your needs are not being met and it's best if you two aren't together right now? CHOOSING to love can sometimes make you feel like you're more in control of the situation.

Yes. Hell of several months since this post. I have decided since then to end it for right now and I work everyday to not become angry because I dont want it to take my love for him away. Until he can make choices on his own in the best interest for everyone I have to say goodbye and live my life toxic chaotic free. It sucks for the uncertainty if we will ever come back together.

 

[B0103mcus]

This site IS my therapy. Friends and family don't "get it".

You're right, You deserve a relationship where both of you are trying to make it work. We all do. It's okay to realize this is too much for you to handle. It's hell sometimes. I know.

Keep reading the supporters section. I've learned so much there. And check out the thread "What are they thinking" that @Freida started. Frickin' brilliant!

You mentioned separating PTSD from the man. Impossible. His brain....changed. He's always gonna have this disorder. And until HE decides to tackle the issues he's facing (or obviously not facing) his life will be chaotic. My guy didn't seek help until he was 45 yo. He went decades untreated. Making that phone call was so hard for him. He still says "war was easier than therapy". He sees his pdoc twice a month and has group therapy twice a month. It's a whole lotta work on both our parts.

Sorry for the ramble. Just throwing things out there. Have a good night.

No ramble. Everything helps. I was reading this thread from a few months back and rereading all of it so much more made sense of what you all were saying with me having a clearer head. You are definitely right in your rambles. Come to find out over the last few months he had stopped seeing his therapist weekly and still wouldn't go for a med regimen check up with the pdoc. He admitted to skipping his medications and relying only his alpha stim because it gave him an intoxicating feeling and was totally isolating. Broke my heart to find this all out. I found out about the therapist because I was reaching for anyone to help me. His family told me it wasn't there problem and this his him and Ill leave the other statement out because it utterly made me sick. His therapist said he hadn't been to his sessions. He is worse now than he was even before his inpatient treatment almost a year ago. I got one day of him asking to help him find another inpatient program then one other day of "its time we go back to therapy". Then its like a flip switched and he wouldn't acknowledge he said he needed more intense help. All his fight was gone. How do you not get burnt out on the "work" it takes? I feel horrible because this last month I withdrew from the chaos and then I finally just said "its over I can't do this anymore when you are refusing to help yourself and its continuing to impact me and my kids". But I have to stick to my boundary and the deal breaker of negating the treatment plan and essentially going rogue.

One other question.... This is now the third year during this time of the year that he has gone completely symptomatic and been pretty bad. Do you think it could be because of an anniversary date? I didn't put the correlation of the past years together until the other day when I was talking to another marine. I think this is right about the time frame he was deploying for the initial push and I know that is where the majority of his inital traumas stem from. Could him being worse right now be because of the anniverssary timeframe?

I'm going to feel like an utter complete ass for not being aware and empathetic if that is the case.