Advice For When She Closes Off

[Cubiho]

just for a background: The girl I fell in love with over the past year developed PTSD symptoms. She fell for me as well and we had a connection that I have never felt before, never in my life have I had trivial things like a look or just her voice affect me in such a way, and we both talked all the time(nearly from wake up to falling asleep whether it be text or hanging out) even when the symptoms started to develop again. As a veteran I wasn't scared at all of being there for her through this and i made sure she knew that. I never saw her by her PTSD, but how she really was which is the way i met her, I viewed this as something she needed to get through. I was always there for her and i never triggered her, and to be honest things were amazing until her load kept on adding on and on. To the point where she closed off entirely and i took it personally rather than focusing on her trauma and getting through it. I kept trying to communicate (not too much) but it made her run. She then told me she was done with it and maybe in the future if she feels she can be intimate but just not now at all, and that if i messaged her for anything other than an emergency shed delete my number, i kept my promise. Luckily a week later(truly a shitty week for me because i missed her so damn much) she texted me and wanted to see me, she had said that she still felt the connection and had feelings but couldn't entertain them, and she needed to face these symptoms and her treatment took the center stage of her attention(rightly so). I promised her i wouldn't message her unless she messaged me first, or if i had a legitimate emergency. We saw each other twice after this and she texted me average once a week, if we made plans and she couldn't come and keep her end of the plans up because of a shitty day/week then she would message me beforehand. I never would hold it against her if she couldn't come and see me because i understand it if she just cant handle seeing me. However I talked to her on friday(day she has therapy) and she said shed text me in a couple days(we planned on seeing each other sunday) and let me know if she was able to or not based on how she felt. She hasn't messaged me at all since friday. She has never at least not sent me a message to cancel which is what is worrying me right now because she has yet to open up communication. I do not hold it against her for not messaging me even because i think she might have just had a really rough weekend due to her treatment, I'm just worried because I have no idea if shes going to open up to me at all. Someone knowledgeable gave me advice and told me to send her just a message that doesn't require a response, regardless of my promise not to message her because i have somewhat of a right to in this case. based on the fact that she didnt hold to her promise to message me before the day we were going to hang out. This knowledgeable person also said it would also make her feel less guilty if i do send her a message like that (not sure if she actually does feel guilty or not but this knowledgeable person knows her and said she more than likely does). My mind is telling me I should wait it out and hopefully she'll message me but this knowledgeable person had said that although that sounds great and isn't a bad thing to do, it wont help if i don't due to the lack of respect it may cause from her end and at that point, if she cant respect me, she wont want me at all. Basically my question is, should i break my promise and send her just a small message, and if i do, would that sabotage the entire thing? Or should I just keep my promise and wait.

PS sorry for the lengthy description over a small bit of a advice, I just wanted to give more of an idea so people can give a more educated response

 

[Kusiha]

Can't help you as I'm on your end of things right now. Haven't heard from my guy in a week. Miss him so damn much. Hope it gets better:)

 

[Emamat]

I don't think a simple "R U OK?" would be out of line.

 

[Aza]

This is just for me.

Best : Set up a safety net. Meaning an outside the rules of normal play thing to do. I call these paranoia checks. Came from dating another vet and we both had issues. No more than once a day. Not often enough to be a regular thing. Because I screw up regular things. I can only do them for so long. ((Which is probably what happened Friday, just to ease your mind. She slept, or had a great day and forgot what day it was, or was a total disaster... Just messed up the regular thing... And is now too guilty to reach out until next Friday. Like it never happened if she waits until then.)) Back when I had a phone (Yep. Isolation can include ditching phones.) it was a simple asterisk. Asterisk sent. All okay Asterisk in reply. Not okay was a different symbol. Call me please, I can't call you was a 3rd symbol. Clearly, safety nets need to be set up in advance.

2nd best : No response required base touch.

Ex) Thinking of you. No worries if you're busy.

3rd best : Personally... I give "outs" to people who acknowledge things honestly. Concisely. Even though I'm wicked bad at concise, myself. When I'm a mess I can't read much. And rarely. Again, if it becomes a regular thing I lose my shit. This is why safety nets -for me- are a good thing.

Ex) I know breaking my promise, willing to face losing you over it, hope not to. & then whatever you need to say.

 

[Inof]

thanks everyone for the advice, i didnt cave in and she sent me a text yesterday. We had a conversation but she admitted that my feelings are still very intense and her symptoms are getting worse with treatment so hearing me say some of the things i say does make it hard for her to talk to me at the moment. she specifically said that tuesday was the worst day shes had in 10 years. Im going to see her this weekend and hopefully i wont lose her. She didnt give me any reason as to why she missed on sunday which I'm assuming is going to be brought up in person, regardless the reasoning doesnt matter unless its because shes moved on from me which i hope isnt the case. She did say that getting texts from me that have some feelings behind them are painful for her or make her panicky. As long as she tells me that connection is still there I'm not going anywhere. As bad as it may or may not sound I'm willing to be a rag-doll in this instance, my feelings for her are constant and i know for sure she's worth it. Aza I'm certainly going to talk to her about those ideas for texting signs as i dont want to make her feel guilty what so ever for not doing so. Just a matter of clearing up some things, but im just praying that she doesnt give up on the idea of her and i down the line(yesterday she said shes so sorry and didnt mean to be like this and didnt ever mean to hurt me which has me worried because those statements are usually ones that get translated to im sorry but its done, but then again thats my mind overthinking possibly). Either way If this isnt over, im still here, shes worth it, simple as that. Again thanks all for the advice(more advice is still more than welcome

 

[Dopu]

To be honest it sounds to me like she won't come back. But I could be wrong.

 

[Efen]

I'm sorry I don't want to be discouraging. Maybe the two of you will find a way. :hug:

 

[Amabej]

She's opening up to me today again so there's still hope, I just gotta learn to let her sort of do her thing when it comes to talking to me.

 

[Uvigi]

You should never loose hope, she will come back.

 

[Mijum]

Even though this is a little bit of an old thread I would say that saying something like I'm here for you whenever you need me would be perfect. My wife had a long period where my ptsd was something she was hoping I would get over but has finally accepted that it isn't that simple and more than likely something that will be with me the rest of my life but something that we are together on battling and even lately I have noticed that I have shut her out to an extent I still tell her that I love her because I do and we talk but I don't always tell her what's going on with me especially when I'm having a rough patch.

 

[Ohuj]

unfortunately this is an old thread. She opened up to me, for 2 weeks and it was amazing. Then it all went south, im now putting my head down and pushing through the idea that the one i had the strongest connection with is now more than likely going to be a part of my past. I've been deployed to afghanistan, and have been through quite a bit, but this is the first thing I have no answer for, and is thus the hardest thing I've fast in my life. I'll take it on the chin, and drive on and hope to be friends with her in the future. Though I miss the absolute hell out of her, she's now happy, and thats all that matters. So its time for me to move on, I have to.