Advice On Boundaries

[shimmerz]

Long story short. Have a friend whose husband is going off the deep end in abusive behaviour. Every time I call he rants and rages about how my friend needs to get OFF THE PHONE. I don't call often. As a matter of fact, at this point I have drawn a line in the sand and don't call at all. I have told my friend why. I have told her that she can put up with it and that is her choice, but I will not.

Recently my friend told me that her father will no longer come over because of her husband's swearing and cursing at him. So it isn't just about me.

I just got an email from her stating that she just got a phone card (to call me long distance) and she again re-iterated that she would be calling me from her home. We have had this discussion several times. I refuse to take the chance that her husband pull this stuff again when she calls from her house. She has the option of calling me after work (cell) and using hands free to talk. It seems to me like she is drawing her own line in the sand and insisting that I put up with what is happening at her house.

This relationship matters to me. I have known her for 40+ years. I don't understand why she is not hearing me when I have been clear MANY times that I won't put up with her husbands stuff. Is there a way around this that I am not seeing? At this point I feel like I just have to go no contact with her but man, this past year has been brutal for that. I have stopped so many relationships. Any thoughts? Does it always have to be no contact?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Is there another way to communicate with her other than the phone? I know person to person phone and in-person communication is better, but if she's unwilling to meet your boundaries of not calling from home (which I am in awe that you have set because boundaries are still really hard for me, so go, you) perhaps it doesn't have to be nothing but an alternative form of communication?

 

[hodge]

Well, it sounds like your friend is making special accommodations to call you by having a phone card now. It's up to you whether you want to answer her, but 40+ years is a long time friendship I'd hate to lose. Maybe this is a way for her to avoid her husband's crap?

 

[Recovery4Me]

Consider talking to an Domestic Violence Line and ask their advice on how to proceed to establish boundaries. Then tell her this is what 'they' said to do for you not to be triangulated and offer their info for when she is ready to deal with her situation.

I like @JEKBreatheandBelieve 's idea...e-mail is good too ((((hugs)). Not all live phone calls have to remain that way. (((hugs to you))))

 

[scout86]

I refuse to take the chance that her husband pull this stuff again when she calls from her house.

But SHE is the one taking the chance, isn't she? (And I'd like her to think long and hard about taking it too.)

Your deal is you don't want to listen to him raging in the background? You can always hang up if he starts. He might be ok with it if she's not "running up the phone bill". It sounds like a bad situation. Still, if SHE wants to call you? And you want to talk to her? I'd talk and let her deal with what ever is going on on her end. And maybe make it clear that your door is always open, if she needs to run? (If it is.)

The guy sounds like a jerk and the situation wouldn't work for me, but, who knows? Maybe, somehow, it works for them?

 

[shimmerz]

He is raging at both of us. And then SHE starts to yell at him. Idk, me and domestic violence don't get along. She can do what she wants -- so I am not going to step in by being her advocate unless she asks me for specific help. She expects me to listen to them both. I refuse. Last time I was caught up in this I stumbled home from the local coffee shop and dropped for a full day. I can't do, and don't feel I should have to do, domestic violence anymore.

Is there another way to communicate with her other than the phone?

Yes, we speak via email. She wants to call me.... insisting actually. She kept telling me that she was buying a phone card, I thought for her cell phone as I made it clear that we speak only by her cell - not from her home. Nope. She told me today it was for her home phone. WTF???? She is completely ignoring my boundary -- which has been crystal clear. And thanks JEK for the encouragement. It has been tough to set this one. She is one of my last people left.

Well, it sounds like your friend is making special accommodations to call you by having a phone card now.

Hodge, see paragraph above. She is not actually making special accommodations. And yes, 40+ years is a very large thing to throw away. I must think this through carefully.

Then tell her this is what 'they' said to do for you not to be triangulated

RIGHT! Jeez. Here we go again. That triangulation word again. I didn't see that. Thank you so much. Now I just have to figure out what to do about it. Not sure, given my triggers that I can call a women's centre.

Your deal is you don't want to listen to him raging in the background? You can always hang up if he starts. He might be ok with it if she's not "running up the phone bill".

Has nothing to do with her ringing up a phone bill. I always called her.

 

[stillstanding2]

Long story short. Have a friend whose husband is going off the deep end in abusive behaviour. Every t...

Has he ever said why he doesn't want her on the phone? Do they have more than one phone? Granted, he sounds abusive, but is he perhaps "on call" or something? If not, he just sounds like a nasty control freak. I despise those guys.

 

[hodge]

I see more clearly the situation now, Shimmerz. I wasn't clear about the boundary you set. I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to get involved in a DV situation. Take care, Shimmerz :hug:s

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

She wants to call me.... insisting actually. She kept telling me that she was buying a phone card, I thought for her cell phone as I made it clear that we speak only by her cell - not from her home. Nope. She told me today it was for her home phone.

Gosh, that is really hard! Perhaps you can try re-stating what you have already made clear. Thank her for going through the effort of getting a phone card so she can call you, but re-state that you do not want her to call you from her home and re-state what you have already told her as to why. And see what happens...maybe she will get it this time...? That's such a hard situation to figure out.

 

[stillstanding2]

He is raging at both of us. And then SHE starts to yell at him. Idk, me and domestic violence don't g...

Another possibility is that your friend WANTS you to witness how she is being treated. Perhaps she thinks she needs a witness for whatever reason, though it is a real imposition on you.

Do they have kids? Is she planning to leave him, and wants your help, if needed in court?

It is very strange behavior for a long-time friend. I hope she will offer an acceptable explanation. She should know and honor your capacity.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

40 years of friendship. Important. How old is her relationship with husband? Changed? and if so when? and possible why's? Tough one. Hard enough to sort out relationships from the inside. From outside, maybe a better view?? DKN. Is she reaching out for help to extricate herself, or to …??? Shitty situation or crisis?

 

[shimmerz]

I set the boundary because of the last time I spoke to her and they flipped out AGAIN all over the place while I was on the phone. The next morning I get an email from her husband talking about how she cares more about ME than HIM and then bad mouthing her. I sent him an email back warning him not to diss my friend. I didn't tell her about the email. Since last year he has been actively attempting to get me out of my friends life. Jeez, this is a long story.... nvm.

maybe she will get it this time...?

She got it last time. And the time before. What disturbs me is that we have set times that I can call her cell so that I can catch her when she is on her way home from work. Last time I called I ended the conversation when I realized she had gotten home and didn't tell me. I have never experienced this type of behaviour from her before. She is normally really respectful, but as well, I never used to set hard boundaries. That is a change for her.

Do they have kids? Is she planning to leave him, and wants your help, if needed in court?

I don't think she will ever leave him. She refuses to get counselling for herself although she is frozen in a full bore depression and is having huge issues with her husband and all 3 of her grown children, who live with her. It is a chaotic household.

I guess boundaries are a thing that one must get used to pushing when the other party refuses. I feel like I am playing chicken and I hate it but I can't cave. I need to get better at this, I know that. What I do know is that if one refuses to help oneself then I sure can't help her.