Relationship Advice On PTSD Partner

[Rachel Marie]

Hi everybody.. I’m new to all of this and would greatly appreciate some advice on a partner suffering from PTSD. My emotions are a bit all over the place at the moment so please bare with me and I apologise in advance if I go on for ages or there is no real order to what I’m saying.

I’ve been with my partner 7 months now and we fell in love very quickly. Everything was perfect, we were extremely close in all aspects and he was very open with me about his PTSD and what happened to him on his tour in Afghanistan right from the very beginning. I was surprised about how open he actually was. Perhaps in hindsight things moved too quickly but it felt right at the time. We’re both young and this is the first time I’ve been in love. Things continued brilliantly between us for about 5 months. He would have brief stages of not being able to sleep, bad dreams and flashbacks but I was always there to support him and we always worked it out together.

Things have changed dramatically over the last 2 months. He’s started to become distant. One day everything would seem to be normal and he would appear to be happy and the next his phone would be off and I would have no way of contacting him for days on end. At first he came up with excuses like his phone was broken or he was very busy at work but after several arguments he admitted he just needed space from me. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me a lot when he said that. I couldn’t understand that he was what seemed a million miles away from me but still needed more space.

He has been back home for the last few days and that’s when things came to a head. We spent the first night together and it was lovely. He cuddle me all night and told me how much he had missed me and how much he loved me. He even talked about us moving in together in the future and that he wanted to be with me forever. We woke up in the morning and everything was still great. We decided to go for drinks together later on so I went home to get a few things done and get ready. I tried to call that evening.. No answer. He wouldn’t even reply to my texts. He finally called back and said that his friends were going for a drink now and hinted it was more of a guys night out. After I specifically asked he admitted that both of his friends partners were there as well. I basically had to invite myself and I felt he didn’t want to see me. The night actually turned out well and both of us had a good time in the end?

The next morning I told him we needed to talk. I asked him a million questions as to why he gets cold, why he gets distant, why he’s so insensitive to my feelings and at times just down right rude. He couldn’t really answer any of them. He just got up and left without explaining anything. Later in the day I went to see him and told him things needed to change and that I needed explanations. He burst out into tears and said he couldn’t be with me anymore. He told me he loved me more than anything else in the world, that he wants to be with me forever but he just needs space to “get my head staight”. He said he can’t look after his own feelings let alone mine as well. He said that all my questions were perfectly reasonable questions to ask but he couldn’t answer them. He told me that I deserved better and that he couldn’t give me what I want because he couldn’t be consistent.

I tried to tell him we could work threw things together or perhaps go on a break until he gets things sorted. He told me it wasn’t fair on me and he didn’t want me to wait as he didn’t know how long it would take. All he kept saying was I deserve better and he needs space alone. He asked me not to contact him until he calls me. I got too upset and left and we haven’t spoken since.

After coming here I now realise that some of these are possible symptoms of PTSD. I had absolutely no idea before. I only knew about flashbacks and anxiety etc. I feel horribly guilty for being so hard on him and not being patient or understanding. I have no idea where to go from here? I love him so so much and I want to help him and let him know that I understand but from what I’ve read, getting in contact is the worst thing I can do? I don’t know whether to just try and get over him or wait for something that may never happen. I feel heartbroken and so alone that I can’t speak to him. I don’t want to let him go but at the same time if I don’t try and move on I could be waiting for ever. What methods do people use to completely cut ties with someone you care so much for and you know cares about you? What would it do to him if I did get in contact? Would it make him not want me around even more?

I know he has been spending a lot of time with his friends since we stopped talking. Perhaps it has nothing to do with PTSD and he just doesn’t want a girlfriend. When sufferers need time alone can that just apply to their partners or would it apply to everyone? I’m so clueless as to what is going on. I guess I just came here to vent. None of my friends understand. They’ve told me he obviously doesn’t care about me at all to hurt me like this and that he’s probably met someone else. The hardest part of this is all is that I know that he does care.. Thank you so much to anybody who took the time out to read this. Advice in any way shape or form would be massively appreciated.

P.S Not sure what the thing is about? Sorry if it makes it hard to read.

 

[cherryblossom]

It would be very easy to say that yes this fits with PTSD, because it does. Unfortunately, it might also be that he really doesn't want a relationship with you, anymore. Unless he tells you exactly what is going on for him, you may never know. Pretty much the only thing you can do, is to maybe try to keep the lines of communications open by remaining friends, but by moving on with your life.

It may sound harsh, but if this is PTSD related, he needs to want to get better. You have stated that you are both young, and as selfish as it may sound you need to look after yourself and your needs. I'm not saying don't support him, but you can only do it, if that's what he wants.

 

[Rachel Marie]

After reading through some of the other posts I now realise I've essentially written what has already been written a million times so thank you for your response. Apologies once again for it being so long and drawn out, I just had a lot to get off my chest.

He's had a couple of sessions with the therapist at his camp but it seems to have made him worse. He thinks she acted like she'd seen/herd it all before and that she could never understand what was going on in his head, let alone change it. It's made it a lot harder for him to consider seeing anybody else. Not being with him is not so much the issue, it's just hard to watch someone you love self destruct without being able to intervene.

There's some really helpful advice in here by the way. I feel like I've regained my sanity knowing that I'm not alone. Great place.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If he does have PTSD, then seeing someone that is TRAINED in trauma, and DEALS with clients that have PTSD will help him more that anything....There are many therapist out there that do not know what to do when dealing with people that have PTSD. Hell, sometimes we don't know how to deal with ourselves.....

 

[Inouk]

Dear Rachel Marie - Your post was explicit and very well written. I feel for you and although you have feelings for this young man, I agree with Cherryblossom. Entering a relationship with a PTSD sufferer (should it be what he has) can be exhaustive, frustrating but also wonderful only and only if the sufferer knows, understand, accept and manages his illness or should I say triggers. I am in a relationship with a severe PTSD sufferer for three years now. This is the longest relationship he has been in for all previous ones lasted from 6 weeks to 6 months. He just could not bare it. Although he has been living with PTSD for 30 years now, it is only in 2002 that he was diagnosed. 2007 was a turning point for him, now 48 years old, where he finally understood his illness, was appropriatly medicated and found strategies that work for him in managing stress stiggers. It is also in 2007 that we met. He was then ready for a long term relationship.

Letting you go-insisting he was struggling with his feeling, let alone yours-is probably the best thing that could happen to you at this stage in your life. Do not take it personaly. It is unfortunatly the nature of PTSD, a lifelong illness. Good luck and take care. Inouk

 

[AdamAnt]

I've read here that in the beginning of therapy that things often get worse before they get better. Since he's only been to a couple sessions, I hope that's at least some hope for his future well-being.

 

[Learning123]

Hi Rachel Marie,

Sorry I only just read this post, but this last comment you made stood out to me so I thought I might share my experience of this with you...

I know he has been spending a lot of time with his friends since we stopped talking. Perhaps it has nothing to do with PTSD and he just doesn’t want a girlfriend. When sufferers need time alone can that just apply to their partners or would it apply to everyone? I’m so clueless as to what is going on. I guess I just came here to vent.

This is an issue that I've been dealing with lately, my ex can spend huge amounts of time with friends and can find spending too much time with me very difficult. With a little help from people on here, talking to her, reading about this and lots of time thinking, this is what I've concluded. I'm not saying it's right, but it makes sense to me right now. Also I'm going to talk about my own situation because I don't want to generalise.

It appears to me that my ex still loves me and wants to be with me, she's told me this and she also told me that she gets scared of the times when she doesn't want to be around me, because she just wants to be normal. (her words).

When we do spend time together she is loving and caring and makes me feel like the only person on the planet, but then suddenly, from nowhere, she feels too close and needs space and it really upsets her, I mean she is angry, upset, pent up and anxious, basically she needs me to go, leave her and not be around her.

I used to find this hard, so I would stay and try to reason with her, big mistake! When I learned to walk away and give her the space she needed, I got such a positive response, sometimes 5 days later, sometimes 5 hours later, there is no pattern to it.

The times when I have to walk away, are the times when she happily spends hours with friends, relaxing, having fun and to begin with this made me rage! Why can she be around them? spend so much time with them and shut me out, what's wrong with me? grrrr!

The answer, well not the answer, just my conclusion, she is obviously frustrated that she needs the space when all she wants to do is have a normal (again her words, not mine) relationship with me. Her friends ask nothing of her emotionally and she has to give nothing to them emotionally, she can just put on a mask and forget about everything which is an outlet for her. When she is around me, she has to deal with how she feels, or thinks she feels, the frustration at me and herself because we can't go back to how things were, and she has a million other things in her head that cause her stress. She is also close to me, tells me a lot and at times when she is stressed regrets telling me stuff because she doesn't feel safe exposing herself. On top of all that she has told me the one big issue for her is she is so scared of hurting me. I'm now glad she has those friends, it's a really great thing for her and it doesn't hurt that I can't be one of those people because, in a weird way, I'm so much more to her. Bit of my neediness showing perhaps!!!

Sorry for the really long explanation, but I'm hoping it explains to you why being around friends is just easier sometimes, and not necessarily that you have done anything wrong or are not wanted. Be strong and ask questions on here, I would never have worked this out without this forum!!

BTW, please let me add to this that all situations are different. I'm by no means saying this applies to you, or that you can conclude that this is how it is, I'm just sharing my own experience so that you can explore it as an option. I don't even know if I've got this right myself!!