Advising students/college safety

[Deleted member 37474]

I teach private music lessons one on one to students once a week from age 12-18. Some of them begin to view me as sort of a life coach, and sometimes I have had to deal with stuff outside the realm of teaching (child abuse, relationship problems, anxiety and so on). I grow to care deeply for many of them. One of my seniors just ran into me and told me that she just broke up with her boyfriend (praise God/codependent). Only thing is, she reminds me of me at that age. So in my head, she is going to go to college and be in danger. How do I protect these kids on their send off? Since I haven't told my own daughters who are in the same school, it doesn't seem right to share my personal story with these older kids. Advice?

 

[Gamera3000]

I think that if a kid has been abused, or you think they are about to be abused, it's your duty to share your own story. However, if she is merely going off to college and you want her to be safe, maybe you just could tell her what you wish you had known yourself. Stuff like to never walk alone, always tell people where you're going, what consent is and is not, etc. I don't think that would be crossing any lines.

 

[Justmehere]

One of my seniors just ran into me and told me that she just broke up with her boyfriend (praise God/codependent). Only thing is, she reminds me of me at that age. So in my head, she is going to go to college and be in danger. How do I protect these kids on their send off? Since I haven't told my own daughters who are in the same school, it doesn't seem right to share my personal story with these older kids. Advise?

Most teenagers don't know how to date or find the right person. Celebrate that she broke up with him. She may have learned from that mistake. Encourage her to be aware of campus resources for when things get tough, and they will likely get tough even if they have a very positive college experience.

I don't think it's a good idea to share your own trauma history right before their send off, abuse or not. And, when it comes down to it, once they are over 18, you can't protect them, and yes, that freaking sucks.

If you did share your abuse history, I would really avoid doing it just before the teacher-student relationship ends. Kids need space and time to process through the reality that an adult in their lives has been hurt too. I think this especially applies for a teenager who has a tendency to connect in a codependent way. She might slip into feeling a need to care for you, even if that's not at all what you or her want, rather than taking it as advice for her own life.

If you are talking to a child and there is any risk of child abuse or history of child abuse, report it to CPS. That's a key part in protecting them. If you might be having a deep conversation, it might be worthwhile to say "I wished someone had been there for me when I was hurt as a teenager, and I'm here to help keep you safe in what ways that I can..." something that might vaguely indicated you understand, but without sharing details. The focus should be on their experience and knowing you are there for them. And the vagueness can actually help a kid think you relate to them and understand them even more than giving lots of specific details. Therapists do this with self disclosure all the time.

Stuff like to never walk alone, always tell people where you're going, what consent is and is not, etc. I don't think that would be crossing any lines.

This is great advice!

 

[New Blue]

I think that if a kid has been abused, or you think they are about to be abused, it's your duty to s...

Great distinction, @Gamera3000! From the girl's point of view, if she hasn't been through any abuse - and it sounds like she isn't at imminent risk for experiencing it, given her breakup - then she might take a handful of tips better than a potentially intense personal story (I don't know your story @TexCat, so please forgive me for any erroneous assumptions).


If you're not sure whether or not she's experienced anything traumatic, I'd err on the side of tips, while also keeping my ears perked for any hints one way or another - whether verbal or nonverbal. Trust yourself on this note. I'm putting my bets on you knowing what to look for, and being keen enough to pick up on any other cues. Open-ended questions can also be a good way to get her talking and to better understand what she might or might not be going through.


If you determine that she is in some sort of risky situation, but aren't sure how to handle it, I'd either consult law enforcement - asking hypothetical questions to start with if I was unsure about the pros and cons of reporting - or a faculty or staff member of a local school.


A school is likely to have a procedure that they would go through for the same situation involving one of their own students, which they could be willing to share. I'm sure some laws that apply in this situation will vary by geographic location, so keeping such inquiries local is probably best.

Not to make this post even longer (whoops...) but I want to mention one last (though certainly not least!) thing: take care of yourself first. Helping someone else is generally much harder if the helper is also in need of support.

Hugs,
NB

 

[Suzetig]

I think that if a kid has been abused, or you think they are about to be abused, it's your duty to share your own story.

I couldn't disagree with this more. Your story is yours, even when you see yourself in someone else, their story will be different and they may not be able to cope with knowing that someone they care about was abused or badly treated. Therapists are trained to use self disclosure in their work and even then they can get it badly wrong. There's never a "duty" on you as a professional to share your personal, private experience.

In terms of keeping them safe, in short you can't. You have a limited space in their life and don't have too much wiggle room in that. You might point them towards websites or information about on campus safety, help them talk about their hopes and fears for college and give them common sense advice but that's really as far as you can really go with them.

It's hard, but young adults - as these college students are - need to find their own way and make their own mistakes. You clearly care deeply, your student knowing that will make all the difference if they do struggle - they know they have someone who cares for them, but you can't really do anything to protect them, as much as you wish you could.

 

[scout86]

So in my head, she is going to go to college and be in danger.

I think it's important to try to sort out how much of your fear is reality and how much of it is in your head. In a lot of ways, the world is a dangerous place. But college isn't inherently more dangerous than anywhere else and it's safer than some places. I think it might be good if you, or someone, talked with her (and other people that age) about the pluses and minuses of making their own choices, but it's important to keep things in perspective.

How do I protect these kids on their send off?

Super powers? Seriously, we can't actually protect anyone, unless we're there, in the moment, with a weapon. Stuff happens. You can add to whatever sense they have that they have value as people, and deserve to be treated well by the people they're in relationships with. You can encourage them to stand up for themselves. You can't put them in bubble wrap.

It might be interesting to hear how she feels about the relationship she just left. Maybe she learned something worth learning.

 

[Gamera3000]

There's never a "duty" on you as a professional to share your personal, private experience.

I must have misread the original story. I agree that therapists in most cases shouldn't be sharing their own personal stories. What I meant is that if some regular person is having a problem and you, another regular person has experience with something similar, it is your duty as a human being to use your experience to help the other person. Share your story, give them advice, direct them someplace, or something. I definitely think sharing some aspect of your own story, not in a therapy setting, but just two people talking, can really help.

This is my personal viewpoint. I don't believe that we as human beings only belong to ourselves or have personal responsibility only to ourselves. If we are able to help another person we should. It's bad for ourselves and for them if we choose not to.

 

[Suzetig]

That's assuming the only or indeed best way to help someone is to share your story. So to follow your example, if I have a supportive, caring relationship with a young adult and have concern that they might have been abused it would be incumbent on me to help them by sharing the story of my own abuse? Without concern about how it might impact them, how they might cope with knowing I had been abused or even whether my experience had any bearing at all on their own?

Yes, I would have a duty to offer care and support - maybe offer advice and information but that doesn't extend to sharing my private, personal, traumatic history with someone who may not be emotionally equipped to know that about me.

 

[Nessa7]

Instead of your story, you can use something in the news. There's constantly something about the dangers of college campuses.

 

[Kate Van Sant]

I think that if a kid has been abused, or you think they are about to be abused, it's your duty to s...

I used to work for the Police Chief of West Virginia University (the fifth largest police force in the state) and just telling her what you learned at her age is a great idea. Of course you report even just suspicion of abuse to the police. The most important thing to tell her is not to abuse alcohol. So many (probably the vast majority) of students who were referred to us as rape cases consisted of a very drunk female as the victim. And tell her to never accept a drink that she hasn't seen poured. There's a new invention out of a straw that can detect date rape drugs, but I suspect it will be awhile before it's available. But by far that's the main concern--DO NOT GET DRINK; DO NOT ACCEPT A DRINK YOU HAVE NOT SEEN POURED.