Afraid Of Flashbacks

[Olivia Felton]

For those that don't know my story, I am a medically retired police officer who had a psychotic break during a murder/suicide call. The call involved a family with young children, the youngest 6 months old. I took baby out of the cradle and started rocking her, crying hysterically.

I don't remember much except for.what I was told. One of my paramedic friends, after consulting with the doctor, gave me a shot of Haldol.

Fast forward to yesterday. My son just told me that I am going to be a grandmother. As much as I would like to be involved, I am so scared that this will bring on a trigger. I do intend to bring this up with my P and T.

My son knows what happened to me, but seems to think this might help me heal. I don't know. Thoughts are rambling, I just want to be safe around the baby, due in November...

 

[Loveneverfails]

I wish I had some sort of advice to give, but all I can give is my empathy for you in this situation and the one you dealt with. I hope your P and T have coping techniques they can give you and maybe even something to calm your anxiety when it first happens. I think the only thing I could suggest is to just do small moments at first until you're sure you can handle it before dedicating yourself to full time grandma duties. Be gentle with yourself, with all you've been through, you deserve a little TLC during stressful times.

 

[WillyKat]

Really sorry to hear about you situation. Like Loveneverfails, I can only offer support.

Have you been around or near babies since? Is there a way to slowly test the waters so to speak? Is it possible that the trigger you fear is the situation you were in and not the baby?

 

[Olivia Felton]

No, my sisters both have older children, between the ages of 13 and 6. I don't know anyone with babies.

My P suggested that when the time comes, he will be willing to be with me when I meet my grandbaby for the first couple of times. We are exploring the idea that I might be afraid that something just as bad would happen. Not too irrational a thought,considering all I saw throughout my career.

Since the birth will be in November, my T will be helping me concentrate on coping strategies. She also said that I don't have to hold the baby til I feel safe doing so. That is a big relief. My T will talk to my son to make sure he doesn't push me, or feel rejected if I don't want to hold baby for a while.

 

[WillyKat]

Good. Maybe you can be nearby and enjoy everything but the holding part. Or even hold it with your son or daughter in law.

It sounds like you're looking into all that.