After 25 Years Of Marriage...bam...ptsd

[My Journey]

So, after 25 years of marriage, my wife and I are working through PTSD.

She was abused for much of her childhood and I knew of some very small details, but 6 months ago, she broke and packed up and left. It was brought on when one of her tormentors was diagnosed with cancer. My wife came back home after 2 weeks of being gone, I visited her twice (It's what she allowed) during this time and just listened and I wanted her to know that I'm here and will be waiting for her when she was ready to come home. When she told me about her new found memories of her abuse I first wept, then wanted vengeance on her tormentors. We now are 6 months into the process, and now she tells me, she thinks I should find someone else. I reassure her that she is the only one for me and I hope she hears me. I realize I'm not supposed to take things she says personnel but I must admit, that its hard to do at times.

These last 6 months have been a rollercoaster, some good days, some bad & some just being.

Thank you for letting me vent.

 

[MM123]

I feel your pain. I am am in college and my boyfriend has had to go to the VA to see if he can have the VA pay for his health issue because the military caused it. He stressed out from talking about his past, I always listened to him and was there for him. He started to have bad nightmares about war, and told me his personal stories overseas that Id rather not hear but Im there to listen to him and support him no matter what. We were together for a year and ahalf and NEVER had problems. He stressed later one day about finding a job after we graduate school, well the stress was too much and he broke up with me. He regrets it and now is talking to me constantly and I dont know what to think. We were fine and then BAM, we need to break up. When I think of a break up I think ok I did something wrong that doesnt deserve to have your love or resect but I did nothing-he even said that, Im heartbroken and hoping he comes around, but I really dont know. He didnt even tell his friends that he broke up with me. He is now such a loner.
I am to this website to understand why he would push me away and there are so many stories similar to mine. It is comforting with all these wonderful people here to help. I wish the best for you and want you to know you are not alone.

 

[littlelostchild]

I understand what you are going through. When I read your post, I thought my husband could have written it 2 years ago. I had my breakdown after my primary abuser died of cancer. The remembering of the childhood abuse seems to cause a cascade of issues, not the least of which affects our self confidence and feelings of shame and abandonment, and more. A roller coaster is a good way of describing it. My husband has been with me the whole way, although I was sure that he would be better off without me - we've been married almost 30 years. I also figured he would want to leave me because he would discover that I am a bad person.

We are over 2 years into our PTSD journey and we still have a roller coaster, but the hills and valleys are not as extreme as they used to be. There are still days when I fear he will abandon me because he will see the badness, but those days are fewer and I've learned to challenge those thoughts. With your support, your wife can also learn how to manage the PTSD - I wish the best to both of you!

 

[KwanYingirl]

I can't speak for your sufferer, but for me this sounds like what I have done to every nice guy I date or was married to. When I am actively working on my trauma it is so painful and I feel so damaged and insecure, I push them away. I wish I could tell her it will get better. Some triggers will fall away but still I have weeks of time that I just want to crawl down the rabbit hole, only to find myself once again crawling my way up and out.
You are wonderful to seek help she will need to bolster up her ability to trust. For me everything in my life goes into two slots...either they are trauma based or could be trickery.
Then there's the difficulty with intimacy and sel esteem. She has a shitload of memories to process until they don't control her. She may want to isolate but eventually, she will be lonely and mad at herself for ending the relationship. Hang in there but don't end up traumatized yourself.

 

[anthony]

Sorry to hear. She needs time, and the problem with us sufferers, is we push people away so they don't suffer the aftermath we deliver. It's easier to do that, that deal with the relationship complications. I can't say you're doing anything wrong, as just being like you said, is pretty much what may see everything reconcile in time if she comes good in time, atleast enough to realise she wants to spend her life with you, and then accepts you and her have to work through it all together, as a team. Its tough, no doubt about it... and it pains me to no end the raw end of the stick spouses get from us sufferers.

 

[Unaware]

My wife was diagnosed with Complex PTSD about a month ago after 28 years of marriage. She kept her abuse to herself all these years. We are at the beginning stages of working through our new reality together.

I am a new member as well and this forum has helped me to understand so much. The biggest thing is that you need to take care of yourself. I did not do that and suffered a major emotional breakdown earlier this year.

My wife has also talked about leaving because I deserve someone better. Like you I reassure her that I don't want anyone else. It is very hard to listen to and I hope that the therapy she has started will help to reduce what she has silently struggled with all her life.

Like you I am dedicated to my marriage. I hope all goes well for the two of you.