After Trauma - Having or Not Having Children

[Deleted member 93]

Great topic, at least one I do not recall! Any who... At first when I was younger I wanted to love someone like I was not, to protect one like I was not, I wanted to be the mom I did not have. I thought I was selfish later.

Once I got older and now my kids are older I hit a phase I regretted bearing them. I felt guilty for bringing them into such a crazy world and put them at risk for being hurt. The fact they will one day die. My youngest went through my complete meltdown as did all my kids when it happened, but as a little baby and toddler she did. Then again I thought I was selfish.

Where am I now? Being selfish again LOL. I see it is OK and NORMAL to want to give what you did not have, regret the tears they will no doubt shed, and then want to do it all over again while the latter month wish hubby was "snipped" so no chance you could do it again! I really do not think trauma has jack to do with feelings of being mom or not in this case, I think this is all part of being a mom even when you choose not to reproduce. Your friend sounds like she is a very protective mom to me even without the little ones here. I get it, it is a mom thing, not always a trauma thing. So many women not "messed up" feel that way too.

Krystal, you are very normal. PTSD gets better and easier and kids almost help (for me, YMMV). I was very ill with it for 4 years and have been much better. Even though I still have symptoms my hubby and I are discussing maybe another (I am no longer disabled from it). If I do it will be my 5th one. But we have to do things like make sure I am not too old to do a homebirth again and so on :) And to be clear I did not have any of my kids while flat ill/disabled with this. But your desire is normal.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I'm also learning to be a much more relaxed mother. Gawd I wish I'd learned that 20 years ago!!!

You know that is something that just changes. Hubby and I discussed this today matter of fact! I am no where near the same mom as 16 years ago. We evolve as that is just parenting. And we were talking about how I was no where near as anal as I used to be. Relaxed is a much nicer description :)

 

[Nam]

Instead of quoting all of Veiled's post/posts, I'll just say: yeah that. Right down to having another and making sure I can have the babe at home! LOL! I don't know PTSD without children so it's hard for me to comment on whether it's better to not have them when PTSD is already present. My oldest was almost two and my youngest (at the time) was four months old when I started having severe symptoms. I healed significantly that first year and I knew I wanted more. My latest one was born this past August. I did struggle a little bit during the pregnancy with some past demons mostly with self confidence, but I made it through really well.

Parenting while having symptoms is really tough. I don't think I could have done it without a really supportive husband and some luck. My kids are a source of joy for me. So I think they are worth having if you want them regardless if you have PTSD or not.

 

[kers]

Despite my PTSD, I would love to have kids. I am quite jealous of my friends who are having babies (I am in my early 30s). The hardest part for me is that I doubt I will get to a place in my life where that can happen. I am too afraid and untrusting of men to get in a relationship, and I think my symptoms preclude me having a baby on my own, it would be too difficult. At least as a teacher I get to be with kids all day!

 

[Seychelle]

Being around young children (specially females) is usually very triggery for me - reminders of horrible things that happened to me at that age (physical and sexual abuse, plus emotional abuse and neglect).

Just wondering if anyone who gets triggered by children has actually had children?

I've pretty much given up any hope of being mentally well enough before I hit my 40s (infertility rates and risks go up a lot from late 30s, early 40s, plus I'm at a higher risk of infertility anyway). But I'm curious, and haven't entirely given up hope yet. Today I spent some time with my friend who has a 3 year old boy - that wasn't too bad, although I had to do a lot of processing at the time to deal with it. However, my partner found it really hard and was quite dissociated for most of the time (he has similar problems being around young children, but boys rather than girls).

 

[Nam]

Being around young children (specially females) is usually very triggery for me - reminders of horrible things that happened to me at that age (physical and sexual abuse, plus emotional abuse and neglect).

Just wondering if anyone who gets triggered by children has actually had children?

Yes. My oldest was triggering for me right when she was three to four years old. I kept reminding myself that her life was going to be a hell of alot better because I'm her mom. That was my comfort.