Again Silence

[alixipain]

Silence. no attempts to call, No "How are you today?"
Nothing all week long. Get pushed out of the house verbaly when I begged for a touch, a touch of any kind! I look at my cat he doesnt give a shit if I come home or not!
I dont know why I come home, check my mail, whats the use everytime I do its someone trying to sell me something
My own hands dont give the comfort I need
I'm tired of the war in my head, tired of knowning alone I always will be
Even if I draw a knife through my flesh my cat will only fed from it!
Why does self preservation lay itself down?
Today I dont want to be here, ALONE!!
No touch, No one reaching out to even touch with a hit or a slap!
Nothing not even a smile
I'm fed up with it all
I know what I have to do,
its not selfish when your doing it for yourself to end what will never end!

 

[Iron_Angel]

It IS selfish, and there will be an end; it just shouldn't be of your making.
My heart goes out to you alixipain. I wish I could wrap you in a big hug and tell you it was going to be all right. I can do it virtually, if not physically. I know the soul hunger lack of touch engenders. Get the softest blanket you can find, wind it tightly around you and wedge yourself deeply into the back part of the couch to get a bit of a squeeze.
All of us are alone.
Except when we're here.
I know the silence can be deafening. And when it's that quiet the noise inside your own head is louder than ever.
The only one you can count on is yourself -- don't let yourself down. And even if you do, it's okay, because you wrote the rule book! So you can change it any time you want.
Be the lighthouse, not the ship in the storm. Stand steady on the rock and let your light shine.
(((((alixipain)))))
Hugging you and feeling your pain. Don't give up!

 

[alixipain]

Thank you, the silence is more than deafening (have a constant hum in my head), the many voices within screaming yelling, crying, howling...

At times I want to go find a hooker just to hold me (I have had to resort to it before more than twice).

There are groups out there in society that are for those like me, but I'm too afraid to seek them out, afraid that they would use it to their advantage, a touch to me is like a drug! I crave a touch at times so bad that I even try to touch others (Not inappropriately) but just to feel it, to know that I am a human not an animal!

Then the cravings become more intense when I can’t touch another, a bump into someone as I walk would suffice at times, but when the cravings become as they are today, it just puts an exclamation mark on the lonesomeness.

The no calls to even say "I hate you!" No calls at all to check if I'm even around. It’s hard for me to call out for I get interrogated on why I am so depressed!

I haven’t been touched nor touched a female in 3 weeks, I feel detached, and I feel like the work that I put in has gone nowhere! I rip my being apart, I only started therapy because she wanted me to get help, and that therapy has opened things that I haven’t told a soul.

Its left me open and raw, then she wants to know what we talked about, if I don’t tell her I get a cold shoulder when I just need someone to watch over me, it’s hard enough to go over the things with the T, then have to repeat them with her and be told not to cry, at times I think I brought this onto myself!

I still hold guilt for my actions and the actions of others that I had no control over but hold myself accountable for said actions.

I still hold anger for them putting me on a chain in the yard treating me worse than the dog, he didn’t have a chain and lock he could come and go as he pleased! I feel guilt because I wanted to kill the dog everytime he got to runaway!

I still hold anger at my high school teachers and counselors that turned me away calling me a liar!

The anger I can deal with it’s the not having an answer on why?

Why did they do it?

What compelled them to have me just for their sick ways?

Waking in a bed with tubes in my throat, arms. Wires everywhere on my being and seeing the woman that helped him rape me holding my hand, the inability to remove myself from them!

The memories that flooded my mind that day!!

And why in the hell did the doctors take upon themselves when I came so close (close as in I was legally dead three times) to succeeding that they disregarded a DNR order!!!