Having been alcoholic for three years because of this, I completely understand 10x over. I was surrounded by those who abused me, who then turned around and condemned me for the alcohol abuse. I was fortunate to find an amazing pdoc while going through an outpatient addiction program, who discovered PTSD in me in the first place. I understand where you are...it's real and it's valid and it's so painful. I'd echo green pastures here in saying that self-care is ultra important in order to get you through, and will establish various means of needed escape, self-soothing, or other means of coping that make it possible to control the severity of some symptoms while totally sober. Have a 'bag of tricks' like Felix the Cat--and yeah, sometimes having a drink feels like the only thing that'll cut it, and sometimes that's the case. The crappy thing about alcohol is that it starts to create a need for itself, further complicating PTSD symptoms by worsening the emotional rebound. I guess it's the "pay now or pay later--you always pay" adage by using the quick fix. If you had told me over a year ago that I would much prefer the way I feel coming in from running a couple miles than the way I feel while 'happy-tipsy', I wouldn't have believed you. Some people don't like running--replace that with your personally preferred enjoyable activity; bonus points if it's physical/exercise based that gives you endorphins (and gave me an outlet for anxiety/anger).
All of this is much easier said than done, and I'm summing up a little over a year of effort, trying, failing, trying, succeeding, setbacks, crappy months, and great months in a few sentences. I definitely don't presume to know your whole situation or think I can sum up a solution. I'm just flailing my arms in front of my monitor wishing I could convey the utter difference and utter improvement that self-care has made. Gosh, I still have the hardest time sometimes getting the motivation to just walk out of my house to go to the place I normally run and have to crap out some effort just to get it done for that day. That's comorbid depression for ya.
And yes, I have a hard time crying when I need to. I usually only can when I'm tired as can be.
Good post, it's such a common issue and you aren't alone.
