All i can think about these days...

[whiteraven]

is killing myself. I set a date some time back - for a couple of months ahead of now - and I thought for awhile I was going to be able to drop it. But now, the loneliness and the isolation are so intense. Nothing I want to do is or seems to be within reach. Even if it were, I know I would not be successful. Besides, I'm getting older and there doesn't seem to be any point in trying.

I won't go before, but more and more it seems like my only option is to honor my date.

 

[Still Standing]

Hi Whitehaven, I am so sorry that you are in a dark place. It is a hard place to be and it is not our friend. It speaks lies to us and we tend to believe them when we are isolated and lonely. Have you talked to your therapist about your plans? Having someone to talk to about it may help to relieve some of this SI pressure. Please call your doc or therapist and ask them to help you through this struggle, OK?

 

[whiteraven]

Please call your doc or therapist and ask them to help you through this struggle, OK?

Thanks, but part of the reason I'm having these thoughts now is because he told me on Monday (knowing I wouldn't be able to go this coming Monday) that he was going to be off on the 26th (kid is on spring break). We have an understanding that he will tell me as much in advance as he knows that he's going to be off, and he's known about this for a couple of months. When he doesn't, I have huge issues with abandonment and feeling like he doesn't care, etc...

Besides, calling him is not helpful. Tried that before.

 

[gealach]

Hi whiteraven. I'm sorry you're in such a dark place right now. If talking to your T isn't an option for you, is there something else that might be helpful? Is there someone else you can talk to, or a crisis line?

 

[Still Standing]

How do you know that your therapist has known that he would not be available on the 26th months or even weeks in advance? Perhaps there are circumstances to this last minute cancelation that you do not know and are making assumptions about? I'm not trying to be insensitive to your distress, but it seems you are reacting to a temporary delay in treatment with pretty dark thoughts that seem very extreme in light of the inconvenience to you. Perhaps, he had an alternative plan for childcare that ended up needing to be changed which was outside of his control. He may be upset over this short notice, too. It does not mean that he has abandoned or dissed you. You guys work as a team in your care and sometimes there are burps in that relationship. Sure they can be disappointing and even distressing, but is it large enough to allow thoughts of suicide to dictate what you do with your life because of that? You are worth his time and he will soon be back for your future session. Missing a planned day needs to be extended a little bit of grace, don't you think? I don't like having to miss a day with my T either, and to do so does stir up a bit of anxiety, but it does not warrant throwing my life to the wind. You are important and have meaning in this world and to others. If you are seriously thinking suicide is the way to react to this situation, I still encourage you to call a suicide hotline or a trusted friend. I want you to be safe and I want you to not react from emotion. I want you not to be so hurt and upset. I am concerned for you.

 

[whiteraven]

How do you know that your therapist has known that he would not be available on the 26th months or even weeks in advance?

He told me. I know the tendency is to think the client is overreacting in situations like this, but...no.

Perhaps there are circumstances to this last minute cancelation that you do not know and are making assumptions about? I'm not trying to be insensitive to your distress, but it seems you are reacting to a temporary delay in treatment with pretty dark thoughts that seem very extreme in light of the inconvenience to you.

Again, nope. And, I'm not trying to be ungrateful for the time you took to respond, but you don't know any of the backstory so it seems you may be making assumptions about the way I've reacted.

Perhaps, he had an alternative plan for childcare that ended up needing to be changed which was outside of his control.

No. He forgot. And for someone whose entire life is practicing and teaching mindfulness, that's just not ok when dealing with a client who can barely manage to get through one week, much less two.

Sure they can be disappointing and even distressing, but is it large enough to allow thoughts of suicide to dictate what you do with your life because of that?

As I said above, this was only *part* of the reason. My reasons are cumulative.

Missing a planned day needs to be extended a little bit of grace, don't you think? I don't like having to miss a day with my T either, and to do so does stir up a bit of anxiety, but it does not warrant throwing my life to the wind.

Again, this was not the only reason I decided to honor my date. It was one of a series of triggers for me.

Hi whiteraven. I'm sorry you're in such a dark place right now. If talking to your T isn't an option...

Thank you, brokenEMT. I don't really have any close friends and I only get annoyed when I call crisis lines. But...I am trying to put some energy into a workshop I'm planning to offer and I'm also trying to do some writing. It's getting me through so that's good, I guess. Ultimately, I think I will be stopping therapy, because it seems to cause much more distress than it helps.

I'm dealing with a lot of physical pain tonight, also, and that always makes everything else more difficult to manage. Gonna see what I can do to take care of that and hopefully the others won't be so bad.

 

[Still Standing]

Sorry for the misunderstanding of what you wrote. I only was going on what you wrote. I meant no harm. I am sincerely concerned that you are actively processing the possibility of taking your own life. Your post sounded pretty dark and on the edge. However, I am happy to read that you are planning a workshop and staying active. And pain is the pits. I have suffered chronic pain for years. When an especially hard bout of pain hits, it too, affects the outlook on life. Been there...I assume you have been to. Wishing you well.