All The Bad Ruining All The Good.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I have something in my life that brings inspiration and hope - two absolutely amazing, supportive people who I am honored to call my best friends. After having reached a point where I genuinely believed that I wasn't worthy of anything good, to have something so astoundingly positive, not a day goes past where I am not thankful.

Aside from that however is a dilemma; doing the right thing. See I have a dog, he used to be walked nearly 10 miles every day round the coast and back. Then I moved into again to a place where I felt worse, I had drug addicts and dealers as neighbours, harrassing neighbours and other peoples broken beer bottles ended up in my garden every day. My dog then only got shorter walks half the distance or just to the park. Then I found out that one of my abusers lived about 5 doors down. I stopped leaving the house. When I moved again, this improved marginally on and off but never consistently and then I broke my foot. Even when it healed he got walked short walks very late at night or a run in the green across the road. I became more and more unable to leave the house.

Eventually I moved back in with my Mum, no longer able to look after myself. I feel plagued and trapped. Last year everything spiraled out of control and I finally came clean about the severity of the abuse that I suffered. I made the choice to cut out the people involved and their supporters and though I'd never have asked it of them, so did the rest of our household. Now however freed I am from them, I am unable to leave the house with out feeling entirely on edge and rationally so as I have frequently bumped into people on my avoid list. My poor dog very rarely gets walked and despite him still being permanently happy and waggy, I know this is not good for him.

I am being an irresponsible owner and am not able to give him what he needs and what's worse is the reason I can't is because of the same people who caused all my trauma, they've ruined everything in my life and even now they're no longer a part of it they still manage to hurt me. I really don't want to rehome him, but I realise that it's the right thing to do.

Why now, you might be thinking? Well I direct you back to my first paragraph, the best thing in my life, my two friends who live half way across the country. The ability to visit and stay with them is incredible, it gives me some control of my own life back. It's fresh and new and untainted. It's a life-saver. But when I go, I leave my dog at home with my Mum and then he doesn't even have me around to give him attention, he sits staring at the door waiting for me to come back. It's just the tip of the iceberg, really, but I think I need to rehome him and it's killing me. Even if I could take him with me when I go (which is not really possible) and then I would be able to walk him too, he would still be neglected when we came back. My only concern is that he is too bonded to me and wouldn't settle in a new home and would still miss me, but I don't really know if that's the case. But really, I don't want to rehome him for my own selfish reasons.

The two best things in my life are these two friends and my dog, who has honestly been the only thing keeping me going for so, so long. Everything back home is a permanent haunting of my past and it keeps taking from me, even now it's all over. The only reason I stay here is because I need therapy and I'm finally nearly receiving it and I need that to develop some kind of normal ability to look after my self and because I have my Mum and sisters to help me look after myself here. It's all a massive dilemma. :(

 

[The Albatross]

With all due respect, I think you may be projecting or shunting off your feelings onto your companion animal. If your dog is one of the two best things in your life, keep it. There are other people in the home to provide attention for him when you can't give it.

Are you trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings by considering giving up your dog?

What do your two friends say?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

My mum who I live with has said I should rehome him. At the moment, between her and my sisters they are able to look after him when I go away, but when my sisters go to university next year, she will no longer be able to look after him as she works two jobs, has a four year old and a small dog of her own. Her thoughts are also that he is 7 and rehoming an older dog will be harder, so that if it's a possibility - which she thinks it is, that I should do it sooner rather than later. Also if I'm gone almost as much time as I'm back or more or less either way, is it fair.

I haven't talked to them about it. This isn't there though it is is mine, but I hate making a burden of myself and although I do talk to them, this is a decision that should be mine. I know it would not be practical for me to bring him there house is simply not suited to him - he's too big and waggy and I don't want to ask any more of them than I am already. Again, I'm not sure if they'd see what I see as a problem, problematic. So I will talk to them. But I'm worried my Mum is right and that I would be doing the wrong thing by keeping him and that if not now, in the future I would have to rehome him. How can I tell if it's me projecting?

 

[The Albatross]

If there is no immediate reason to give up your animal, then don't. Honestly? 6, 7, or 8 years won't matter much if the decision has to be made. As he is already going to be considered an "older" animal for adoption purposes. Have the conversation and perhaps it will set your mind at ease. Perhaps it will clarify your thinking. Perhaps your mother has some unspoken reason for wanting you to give up your animal for adoption. I would ask her to be frank.

I can be entirely wrong about projecting... but as I read your post, though you say his demeanor is basically content, you seemed to me to have tagged on him all the angst about not being able to walk him regularly. If he is given up, then the conflict goes away. Alternatively, however, if he needs walking... he can be the reason you endeavor to break out of your avoidance pattern. I find I can often rise to the occasion for my animal companions when I can't seem to for myself.

What about your therapist? I would likely have the conversation with them too.

Friendships are a give and take, they are "well intentioned people" who can assist us when we need them and visa versa. It is not burdening people, it is mutual aid.

A bit about projection. In this case, you may projecting your own needs or discomfort onto your dog: http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/projection/ . In the comments of the article he also has a link to "How to Tell if You're Projecting

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you, at the moment I don't have a therapist, I am in a waiting list, but I am told that I am at the top of that waiting list now and that I should expect my first appointment in the next month or so. I will talk to my social worker when I next see him. My mum has said that she is not willing to look after my dog in the future and as I am unable to look after him properly whilst being here I should rehome him or at least consider it. I may have taken it badly because I already feel guilty about this. I just don't know.

Thanks for your help.

 

[The Albatross]

http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/projection/

 

[The Albatross]

I messed up the link and fixed it... but now it is there twice.

Kas Can Fly, there will be time to make a decision in the future. Perhaps you can challenge yourself to look after him (as well as yourself) properly. He is your adversary not your reminder of your shortcomings. He can be a reason for growth and change, a motivating force instead of a problem.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

That I understand and I truly wish I could go outside. But I can't leave the house with in five minutes walking in any direction from where I live is where an abuser or someone who supports and defends my abusers live. The one thing I can't do is go out on my own and even with another person with me I am terrified. I need to move away, but I need help before I can as I'm pretty sure that living on my own is not a good choice right now or to have a place that I can go to that will be safe and supportive until I get help there (because whilst a massive improvement, still far from being ok). At the moment I don't have either. That's not to say that it will be that way forever. I have hope. But right now I am trapped unless I go away for an escape, but it's not permanent.

Thanks again.

 

[AlterEgo]

I know this is easier said than done. Since my dogs are my life, who have honestly kept me from doing stupid things to myself many times, I totally understand your attachment. I can't imagine my life without them and would kill anybody who tried to take or harm them. It sounds like you know the right answer because your concerned for his happiness and well being. If your dog were to be a registered therapy dog there is no where that I'm aware of that you can't take him. Just an idea. Also if your intent on moving and your friends are very supportive as you say, why not pack your stuff and your dog and move to where your friends are. Fresh new start and no trauma thrown in your face all the time.

Like I said, easier to say than do but just a thought. Good luck

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

There is no option to have him registered as a therapy dog in the UK, which is what I have looked into time and time again. Moving in with my friends is something that has been spoken about by both sides, initially when I came back from seeing them I said to my Social Worker how different it was to be up there and how if I could move there I would. Then, to my surprise as a joke they both said that I should move in and jokingly spoke about kicking their lodger out for me, but currently that is not a possibility. My other concern is feasibility - their house is compact and already has three dogs, my dog is large and very, very waggy. I don't know, it's all running through my head and I just don't know.

My Mum furthered her explanation saying that though she loves him, when she said I could get him she thought I was moving out sooner or later - which I did, but have since come back not really able to live on my own right now. My four year old sister loves him to bits, she plays with him every day and constantly goes and throws her arms around his neck - not only does he put up with a lot from her, he seems to love it and plays well back with her. He's such a beautiful animal inside and out. Oh I don't know. I don't want to get rid of him. And I'm also worried that who ever he goes to will not look after him properly (worse than me). :(

 

[AlterEgo]

I'm sorry that does suck. I help find homes for German Shepherds in my spare time, I wish I could help.

Hope it works out for you both. Good luck.