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All the er stories, never forgotten.

The Hail Mary bottom of the 9th just occurred. WCB has put my case on review with extension with possibility for longer term approval.

There was so much miscommunication between psychologist and WCB. WCB now agrees that the patient causing me physical injury and his resulting death are criteria for continued compensable coverage on this original physical claim. Still has to be approved. But, it at least bought two more weeks before I am having to worry about suiting up for work again. My shifts this week have been cancelled.

I was in full panic melt down today dealing with my employer and WCB. I haven’t had a full on panic attack in a long time. There’s a point where you feel like a failure, weak, let down to everyone...... confusinng people in the process because you want the employer to know you’re a team player, but also need to be selfish to take care of myself pleading with WCB to allow me that selfish time. Essentially playing both ends against the middle.

The dual effect of this incident has left me fearful of being injured again, the secondary being that my interactions may affect someone’s life. My trigger reaction to violence I know would put me in fight or flight behaviour. At the end of the day.... I’m going home. I don’t want that mentality. It’s not safe for anyone.

For now....at least I get to put the uniforms away. They were staring at me like the grim reaper for the last few days.
It’s hard to admit that you fell, even harder when you need to justify your fall. My compensation was granted based on an incident that is now deemed ‘returnable to work’, while this incident allowed for more exploration of PTSD, the specific incident does not qualify for continued coverage. As it is classified as depression, not trauma.

The fact that I am aware, have sat before a tribunal that without doubt cleared my interaction as any wrongdoing, the incident was listed having probable side effect. As violence was definitely not helpful to recovery. For me those words only mean a wiggle room, that I know I didn’t kill the man outright, but feel horribly guilty that our interaction indeed has some factor into his death. This is not deemed traumatic enough for continued compensation. It didn’t fall under the big glories like mass casualty, firearms, hostage and actual traumas resulting immediate death.

It was quite an angry conversation on the phone today with WCB. The case worker was taken aback by my response. I said to them, I should have been more aggressive to ensure he died in front of me to ensure my emotional attachment to his death was compensable and just a little more traumatic.

Reminded her, that I have been there for unidentifiable victims of motor vehicle accidents, held a self inflicted facial gunshot patient to the bed because doctor and nurses couldn’t apply sedatives because they were trying to find a way to help this patient breathe as he destroyed all normal airways, I’ve watched people attempt suicide in front of me. Indeed horrible horrible traumas. I feel angry that they determine that I should have sought help after those events. In truth they didn’t affect me. I don’t want to lie, I don’t want to focus on the events that didn’t bother me.

The problem with emergency health care industry is that they are too busy trying to define our trauma technicalities, they are absolutely blind to the cumulative damage every incident has had up to his point.

I feel like I just walked into a death sentence today. Walking back into the hospital will instantly start the hourglass, I am truly not prepared or ready for it at all. I could start as early as next Tuesday.
@FragileGlass i spent many years working as a Radiographer I’m a busy Boston hospital. It just defines absurdity that you are being picked apart like you are. And I suppose the hospital doesn’t want to take any ownership either. I left a job on the spot after I was strangled and left for dead because a junkie who was one day out of jail was looking for narcotics and I was in his way. This massively traumatized me. I told my medical supervisor that I felt vulnerable being on evenings alone as this guy was on the loose. I was told it was my job to work those hours and if I didn’t like it I could leave. Which is what I did. I have seen so much violence and attempted murders and bodies sliced into pieces. I burned out. I admire how articulate and compassionate you are. Your story is so compelling in that you are forced to be invalidated. That’s when it really sucks. Oh, that wasn’t so bad. That shouldn’t bother you. Blah, blah. Keep writing. It will help. I feel such a feeling of sympathy for you. I wish the best outcome for you.
I’m still alive and kicking..... I had to back away from posting so much at the time. While it’s one thing to confront your demons, sometimes talking about it too much makes the demons a happy home inside your head.

@KwanYingirl - I am very sorry you had to endure that scenario. A lot of people don’t realize how risky all positions of medical services are forced to face.

I can’t count the number of times I had to stand by to ensure our radiologists were safe.
Oh my god. Sadly, it was literally the worst vacation ever as we both got a stomach virus and the AirBnB was such a complete hellhole that we had to ditch it and the best alternative we could find was a crappy Holiday Inn in North York.

We might try again next year. Or we might try St Catherines instead.
Awww I’m sorry it didn’t turn out the way you planned. Glad you survived the virus and North York! LoL

If you’re looking at St. Catherine’s, try searching out either Port Dalhousie or Niagara on the Lake. You’ll find far better experiences as both are small but really nice quaint towns. Niagara on the Lake is my favourite spot in the world. Touristy but really nice. Port Dalhousie is also a wonderful place.