Allowing Myself To Bond With My Shrink?

[Getting through]

I have a good alliance with my shrink, I can tell him everything (and do)

He has helped me and continues to help.

I'm a 20yo girl from the UK btw. But I continue to have problems allowing myself to bond on an emotional level. To really and truly have an alliance and an ability to express feelings, to let myself form an attachment.

I have attachment problems. My shrink says attachment and emotional kind of bonding is a part of the process, even for shrinks. When I told him that I tell myself that he doesn't care he says he does, that even he is a bit attached to me and feels concern and protective of me. He knows all my reasons why I find it hard, obviously

I find it hard to make eye contact because the caring therapist look is almost terrifying for me as a c-trauma person. I know that eye contact would cause me to receive care and perhaps emoticon.

I say to myself, even in sessions, and think in sessions, this is your chance, this is your chance to feel, to cry, form an alliance and I fight for it but my unconscious fights back.

I want to allow myself to have a good alliance and form an attachment.

 

[Changing4Best]

Maybe you could just look at your therapist without saying anything for awhile. Then maybe you might feel up to sharing an emotion or two. Try this and let me know how it goes.

 

[GWhizz]

I say to myself, even in sessions, and think in sessions, this is your chance, this is your chance to feel, to cry, form an alliance and I fight for it but my unconscious fights back.

That's just it - you can't force yourself to cry or to feel. I have similar attachment and disconnection problems. But in order to work on this (which I imagine your T is attempting by bringing it up with you in the 1st place), we need to tap into our unconscious. Because emotions are not thoughts - they are feelings.

My new T is using an attachment model with me. I find the idea unnerving to say in the least. There is this whole caregiver/careseeker dynamic to it. I told her outright I'm not there to seek care from her - I want to understand what's wrong so I can work on it, that's all. I don't want her to do it for me. Of course, we're now trying to work on this.

I would also say tread with caution as you have this protective mechanism for a reason. I allowed my last T to develop an attachment because she felt it was important, but in the end I felt like she overstepped boundaries in doing so. She admitted she wouldn't have gone so far if she'd known my boundaries had been disregarded so much in the past.

What are your boundaries? Can you work this out with your T and tell him what's too much right now?

All the best

 

[watundah]

I am curious how long have you been seeing your therapist? I have had those exact issues. It's been a little more than two and a half years and slowly I can see my walls have come down and I am sharing more and feeling more. It is a LOT of work, and important to remain patient and committed. I watch how hard my therapist worked over this time, chipping slowly away, I give her a n incredible amount of credit for not kicking me out. And I also have huge issues with the eye contact - it's a matter of being seen and who wants that?

 

[Chava]

I can't force any of this stuff because it just has to go its natural course, it seems, in order to be useful. But the awareness is helpful...like awareness that it's hard to connect, bond, have eye contact, etc. I go in with that awareness and can challenge myself a bit if it feels okay (like I'm not having some pre-existing meltdown). And if I'm talking to my therapist or listening to her and partly aware of eye contact, I can do it some and also think "okay, good job" in my head. So little steps.

Having someone care or pay attention to me feels threatening because it's like a language I don't understand fully yet. It's nearly impossible to even exist to myself for that length of time. The non-connection is an extremely old pattern for me, so to transform it takes a long time. All the caution and sort of backing away or self protection are parts of my process, I believe. I have to know I have the kind of control to be able to do that in the first place, then when I feel it's safe, move a little closer and spend plenty of time negotiating that internally.

It helps a little to share little parts of me that aren't necessarily trauma-related, but bring along something I found that is soothing, or allow myself to hum softly a little bit to calm down...and experience that stuff as acceptable...tiny pieces of letting layers of walls down. It's not always about eye contact, but that's a part I'm well aware of. I just don't force it.

Another thing we've done in therapy before is a sort of mirroring movement sort of "game." My therapist moved a little, like moved her hands one way, whatever....I followed. Then for a little bit I led. That was hard because it is hard to be watched and also just do something totally of myself and not worry about it being wrong. But she followed whatever movement I did. I didn't have to maintain perfect eye contact but I had to watch, like watch her hands or whatever was moving. And then she watched me. So we had communication like that. For me a lot of this non-verbal stuff makes it a lot easier and safer (though plenty scary enough). Just talking becomes a highly objective and cognitive experience quite easily. I can talk about a trauma and feel nothing. Staying connected to my body and present is the emotionally challenging part, internally and in being present with others.

 

[desiderata310]

Sounds very familiar. I realized yesterday that the only time I make anything CLOSE to eye contact is when I'm coming back from a flashback and for some reason that is the ONLY reason I even look at my therapist's face let alone look him in the eyes. Of course, at that point I'm looking for something stable and reassuring. That's what I find.

There have been a few times that I have snuck glances at his face because I find that I NEED to check his reaction or I need to check the validity of what he's saying with the expression on his face. The glances are a bit scary. He's caught me a couple of times. He's never said anything about it, but I notice that he notices.

I've tried glancing when we are talking about.. trash.. the beginning and end of sessions. The every day nonesense of life that we both usually laugh about. It makes it easier the times I NEED to sneak glances.

Don't worry about it. It will happen with time. At least that's what I'm finding.

 

[Getting Through]

Thanks guys!
Yeah I almost find it hard to make eye contact because I'm afraid he'd point it out.
Like probably "I notice youre making eye contact"

BTW I'm seeing him about a year now

 

[watundah]

We have talked about lack of eye contact and then she wanted me to do some exercise looking at her and I said, "well, I can't NOW!"
It makes it even worse when you talk about it!