Weemie
Policy Enforcement
Narcissists are very good at this. They retain a mild degree of affective empathy and they use that along with the cognitive analysis to "dig in" to people and form "incredibly powerful connections."
That can feel fantastic while it's happening (this person "gets" me, this person understands me, this person is different from everyone else) but the second you criticize or question them their ego (which is extremely fragile) collapses and they immediately switch to blaming you, victimizing you, bullying you, lashing out at you until you turn around and agree that you were in the wrong.
The fact that this person feels able to practice therapy without a license is proof positive of narcissism in my opinion. Along with all the "empathic therapists [implying himself] are like gold dust-" ugh. Let me play him the world's tiniest violin for the world's least qualified "therapist."
It's completely valid that you feel the need to take a break from trusting others and discussing your trauma, but please keep in mind that despite your framing of this event ("having attended counseling-") this is actually not what you've done. He is nothing more than another private citizen who charged you for speaking with him.
He's not a therapist or a counselor, he is literally just some guy off the street. His opinions are not professional and his judgment which he has already proven is extremely compromised based on even offering this service in this context - is not something you should consider when taking your next moves (beyond consideration in how you speak to non-professionals).
That being said there are an absolute f*ck ton of licensed narcissists and assholes out there who are just as unequipped and incompetent as this guy. Blindly trusting someone to reveal the depths of your trauma and form an immediate emotional attachment to them based in vulnerability? Yep, totally smart to avoid doing this. It's taken me a year and a half to trust that my therapist can even deal with listening to my trauma without having an emotional reaction and lashing out at me (as I've had many "professionals" do).
Talk about trust?
One social worker asked me why, if I was so suicidal, I didn't succeed at killing myself yet? One psychiatric nurse told me she Googled my story to verify if I was lying. One doctor laughed in my face when I asked him to prescribe me a safer drug than the OTC ones I was taking. Another kicked me out into the street still hallucinating while a category 4 hurricane raged and I almost got abducted by two pimps.
Another doctor in Cape Breton sexually assaulted me with a speculum. Another social worker said "that doesn't seem right" when I got high and told him about an aspect of my abuse that involved animal cruelty. Another called 911 while I was having a flashback, and the police told me "we checked the videos, no one is raping you," to which I said "obviously I know that, you f*cking morons." This is the second time I've had 911 called on me for having a flashback.
When I did get admitted a nurse told me "the best thing to do is drink water and get money. I got a job and got independent and it saved me." Thanks, I'll just get money even though I'm too psychotic and PTSD addled to check the mailbox outside my front door. Who's hiring! Let's go.
Another nurse tried to prescribe me propranolol and lidocaine patches AND ibuprofen. At 14 I saw a gynecologist who told me all of my issues were behavioral and at 22 I finally saw a specialist who confirmed I had internal organ damage from violent rapes and had to have corrective surgery.
I've had therapists burst into tears. I've had therapists scream at me. I've had them accuse me of lying. I've had them instantly kick me out of the office, I've had them refuse to refer me to someone else (this one lady berated me until I cried then asked me "do you want to leave?" Then called mobile crisis and told them I was "disturbing" [which they relayed to me]).
Another doctor in Cape Breton sexually assaulted me with a speculum. Another social worker said "that doesn't seem right" when I got high and told him about an aspect of my abuse that involved animal cruelty. Another called 911 while I was having a flashback, and the police told me "we checked the videos, no one is raping you," to which I said "obviously I know that, you f*cking morons." This is the second time I've had 911 called on me for having a flashback.
When I did get admitted a nurse told me "the best thing to do is drink water and get money. I got a job and got independent and it saved me." Thanks, I'll just get money even though I'm too psychotic and PTSD addled to check the mailbox outside my front door. Who's hiring! Let's go.
Another nurse tried to prescribe me propranolol and lidocaine patches AND ibuprofen. At 14 I saw a gynecologist who told me all of my issues were behavioral and at 22 I finally saw a specialist who confirmed I had internal organ damage from violent rapes and had to have corrective surgery.
I've had therapists burst into tears. I've had therapists scream at me. I've had them accuse me of lying. I've had them instantly kick me out of the office, I've had them refuse to refer me to someone else (this one lady berated me until I cried then asked me "do you want to leave?" Then called mobile crisis and told them I was "disturbing" [which they relayed to me]).
I could go on and on and on and on. I promise I'm not trying to out-class you as I am sure if you've engaged in this system you've encountered similar and so has every other person on this forum. My point is that even with all of this garbage and nonsense, I still have received therapy that has saved my life and fundamentally changed the trajectory of my life.
At 16 I participated in a deprogramming and reintegration group that was aimed at allowing (other - I was included in this group) ex child soldiers an opportunity to go out into the community, meet one another, volunteer, even arrange meetings with their families. I was an older kid then and asked to help facilitate as I spoke English. Being given that responsibility changed something in me and I began to study treatments for my own aggression and antisocial behaviors.
As an adult I sought out therapy to address my trauma but most of it went as above. I still encountered two very well versed social workers who tried their very best and if I had been a little more functional they may have been within their scope to assist me.
But finally I got a forensic therapist who knows exactly what the problems are and is willing to learn the therapeutic modalities I specifically need along with psilocybin. The way I have come to "trust" these people is simply not all-or-nothing. I attend the appointments. I analyze. I ask them questions about their modality style and experience with past patients like me. I test the waters with less serious exposures to trauma to gauge their capacity to keep composure.
My current T has demonstrated over a year that she has that ability. So I have slowly come to trust that in terms of the process of therapy, she is a good therapist and she will not harm me out of malice. She does not believe I am lying and shares my political views, and she is a kind person (as she is seeing me for free). These people are out there. They do exist. My life trajectory would have ended in prison or dead on the street from a meaningless altercation but my childhood therapist took the step to break confidentiality when I discussed murder, and got me into the program that changed me as a person.
My whole point here is that it's OK to modify what trust means to you. It's OK to consider it instead of a "bond" or "feeling" to instead represent a variable along a continuum of branching probabilities. But I would encourage you not to permit this single experience with a private citizen who is untrained to administer anything more than a Tylenol, to completely eradicate your hope that it is possible to receive treatment.
It is. It is just really hard.
