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Is it my fault or is the situation just as messed up as it sounds?

But also one who for some reason got to me.
Narcissists are very good at this. They retain a mild degree of affective empathy and they use that along with the cognitive analysis to "dig in" to people and form "incredibly powerful connections."

That can feel fantastic while it's happening (this person "gets" me, this person understands me, this person is different from everyone else) but the second you criticize or question them their ego (which is extremely fragile) collapses and they immediately switch to blaming you, victimizing you, bullying you, lashing out at you until you turn around and agree that you were in the wrong.

The fact that this person feels able to practice therapy without a license is proof positive of narcissism in my opinion. Along with all the "empathic therapists [implying himself] are like gold dust-" ugh. Let me play him the world's tiniest violin for the world's least qualified "therapist."

I'm also done with asking for help, trying to trust people and everything else.
It's completely valid that you feel the need to take a break from trusting others and discussing your trauma, but please keep in mind that despite your framing of this event ("having attended counseling-") this is actually not what you've done. He is nothing more than another private citizen who charged you for speaking with him.

He's not a therapist or a counselor, he is literally just some guy off the street. His opinions are not professional and his judgment which he has already proven is extremely compromised based on even offering this service in this context - is not something you should consider when taking your next moves (beyond consideration in how you speak to non-professionals).

That being said there are an absolute f*ck ton of licensed narcissists and assholes out there who are just as unequipped and incompetent as this guy. Blindly trusting someone to reveal the depths of your trauma and form an immediate emotional attachment to them based in vulnerability? Yep, totally smart to avoid doing this. It's taken me a year and a half to trust that my therapist can even deal with listening to my trauma without having an emotional reaction and lashing out at me (as I've had many "professionals" do).

Talk about trust?
One social worker asked me why, if I was so suicidal, I didn't succeed at killing myself yet? One psychiatric nurse told me she Googled my story to verify if I was lying. One doctor laughed in my face when I asked him to prescribe me a safer drug than the OTC ones I was taking. Another kicked me out into the street still hallucinating while a category 4 hurricane raged and I almost got abducted by two pimps.

Another doctor in Cape Breton sexually assaulted me with a speculum. Another social worker said "that doesn't seem right" when I got high and told him about an aspect of my abuse that involved animal cruelty. Another called 911 while I was having a flashback, and the police told me "we checked the videos, no one is raping you," to which I said "obviously I know that, you f*cking morons." This is the second time I've had 911 called on me for having a flashback.

When I did get admitted a nurse told me "the best thing to do is drink water and get money. I got a job and got independent and it saved me." Thanks, I'll just get money even though I'm too psychotic and PTSD addled to check the mailbox outside my front door. Who's hiring! Let's go.

Another nurse tried to prescribe me propranolol and lidocaine patches AND ibuprofen. At 14 I saw a gynecologist who told me all of my issues were behavioral and at 22 I finally saw a specialist who confirmed I had internal organ damage from violent rapes and had to have corrective surgery.

I've had therapists burst into tears. I've had therapists scream at me. I've had them accuse me of lying. I've had them instantly kick me out of the office, I've had them refuse to refer me to someone else (this one lady berated me until I cried then asked me "do you want to leave?" Then called mobile crisis and told them I was "disturbing" [which they relayed to me]).

I could go on and on and on and on. I promise I'm not trying to out-class you as I am sure if you've engaged in this system you've encountered similar and so has every other person on this forum. My point is that even with all of this garbage and nonsense, I still have received therapy that has saved my life and fundamentally changed the trajectory of my life.

At 16 I participated in a deprogramming and reintegration group that was aimed at allowing (other - I was included in this group) ex child soldiers an opportunity to go out into the community, meet one another, volunteer, even arrange meetings with their families. I was an older kid then and asked to help facilitate as I spoke English. Being given that responsibility changed something in me and I began to study treatments for my own aggression and antisocial behaviors.

As an adult I sought out therapy to address my trauma but most of it went as above. I still encountered two very well versed social workers who tried their very best and if I had been a little more functional they may have been within their scope to assist me.

But finally I got a forensic therapist who knows exactly what the problems are and is willing to learn the therapeutic modalities I specifically need along with psilocybin. The way I have come to "trust" these people is simply not all-or-nothing. I attend the appointments. I analyze. I ask them questions about their modality style and experience with past patients like me. I test the waters with less serious exposures to trauma to gauge their capacity to keep composure.

My current T has demonstrated over a year that she has that ability. So I have slowly come to trust that in terms of the process of therapy, she is a good therapist and she will not harm me out of malice. She does not believe I am lying and shares my political views, and she is a kind person (as she is seeing me for free). These people are out there. They do exist. My life trajectory would have ended in prison or dead on the street from a meaningless altercation but my childhood therapist took the step to break confidentiality when I discussed murder, and got me into the program that changed me as a person.

My whole point here is that it's OK to modify what trust means to you. It's OK to consider it instead of a "bond" or "feeling" to instead represent a variable along a continuum of branching probabilities. But I would encourage you not to permit this single experience with a private citizen who is untrained to administer anything more than a Tylenol, to completely eradicate your hope that it is possible to receive treatment.

It is. It is just really hard.
That's one of the things he said... It's something everyone says. But no one ever tells me how to do that.
Try transposing.

If you f*ck up? Take a step back and do NOT do as you do when you f*ck up. Instead? Consider how you treat yourself transposed onto someone else. Would you treat a child this way? Would you treat a dog/cat/pet this way?

IE if you’re naturally hard on yourself, consider how you would treat another, and do that. Be YOUR OWN ally/rescuer/badass-friend.
Hello everyone,

I'm in a very strange situation and I could really use some advice. I'm diagnosed with PTSD, can't afford therapy at the moment, waiting lists are 8 months or more, but I'm going through a very tough time right now. Someone who I considered a friend from another country got me in touch with someone from his area who is studying psychology and is a year or so from being qualified for practicing psychotherapy. He is not licensed yet, but he seems to have gone through similar difficulties than I have. He agreed to help, said it would be peer support, and everything would be confidential.

My friend offered to pay for it (which I am very thankful for). But I only took the offer with the condition to pay him back and asked him to discuss the financial aspects before any agreements were being made. Before I had the chance to talk to him, they made an agreement and I feel like I have to pay him back whatever they agreed on. But ok... I didn't make a big deal out of it.

I had five sessions and then quit, even though it did help me. But my friend and the counselor were talking about me (including a diagnosis I didn't have before), so I felt like confidentiality was breached. The counselor was telling me he'd come up with a plan for what we're going to do but didn't and I wasn't sure what this would be exactly. Instead of peer support, it was more full-blown therapy with digging up traumatic memories. I was worried that if that would go on, I would be on my own with a lot more difficult feelings than I was already having and we had agreed on 10 to 12 weeks of peer-support/conseling. Another reason why I quit was that my friend was paying for the sessions, but I know he has feelings for me and I was worried that I would take advantage of that with letting him pay. I also felt uncomfortable that he was asking me about how the sessions went and what I was talking about. It felt like I had to report to him about my progress and felt pressured to make the best of it because he said something along the lines of how happy he would be to see my full potential unfold. I also felt like he expected me to fall in love with him even though he said no strings were attached to him taking care of the payment.

After I quit, they were talking about me again, coming up with another stigmatizing diagnosis because I was getting upset about that they were talking about me and my diagnosis. They called me 'emotionally dysregulated,' which actually made me emotionally dysregulated. I said something that was mean which also proved their point of the diagnosis they came up with.

Now I'm actually worse than before, which is another symptom of the diagnosis they gave me. I didn't get closure from the sessions because the last session wasn't happening because of a misunderstanding (maybe on my part). I'm dealing with a lot of memories and feelings that are quite hard to manage. I don't have support, the situation is blamed only on me and the diagnoses they came up and anything I do or say is proving them. My friend blocked me because I wanted to know what else they were talking about me. The diagnosis they came up with is actually something that no other mental health professional ever saw in me and I saw quite a few in my adult life. The counselor thinks it's just because they aren't trained in that specific field and doesn't seem to have a good opinion on 90% of psychologists anyway.

My friend and I had intensive contact over some time and I did enjoy it until some things happened in my life, that were difficult for me to handle as it was trauma related stuff. I tend to need space and time for myself when I get stressed and especially when I'm confronted with my trauma shit, so I took that space even though he felt rejected by it which created more problems and then I blocked him and dissapeard for years, which was a shitty move. I didn't do it to hurt him though or because I lost interest but I'm actually not good at handling things like that when I'm tailspinning. I got back in contact 6 or so months ago... Same again... Intense contact in the beginning, he helped me, he got me in contact with the counselor and offered to pay, but I felt like there were expectations I couldn't fulfill. It started again to get difficult when I told him I needed a bit of space and time for myself... Especially when I started this peer-support/counseling thing as it's difficult for me. He felt rejected again, I felt bad about it, so I tried to keep up with his desire to be close and in contact but couldn't. In the end... He told me, he was having thoughts, that I had phone sex with the counselor and accused me more or less of chatting with other people while I've been isolating because I've been online a lot on the messenger - that's where I was reading the links the counselor had sent me as well as reading papers.

Even if that's my subjective point of view... Does that really sound like everything is my fault and the result of my dysregulated emotions and mental illness?
So sorry this has happened to you! Therapy is effing hard enough, without people discussing you behind your back.

I agree this is not okay (and may be some law violations) as well. I don't blame you for not wanting to make a big deal out of certain things, but go with your gut.

You *may* be better off using free tools (meditation, breathwork, exercise, journaling...) than having a therapist under similar conditions.
I checked myself into the hospital for a day. I got Diazepam and sleeping pills, so at least I got some sleep and can think clearly for a while... I called 28 therapists today. The ones who answered their phones didn't even put me on their waiting list. I'm so despearte trying to get help.
I feel like a dog that has been hit by a car and is lying injured in the ditch. Most people don't even care and those who do get bitten. Our systems are beyond repair and it really sucks. FML.
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I checked myself into the hospital for a day. I got Diazepam and sleeping pills, so at least I got some sleep and can think clearly for a while... I called 28 therapists today. The ones who answered their phones didn't even put me on their waiting list. I'm so despearte trying to get help.
I feel like a dog that has been hit by a car and is lying injured in the ditch. Most people don't even care and those who do get bitten. Our systems are beyond repair and it really sucks. FML.
Good for you for taking a step to take care of yourself. Steadying support is being sent your way 💜

It's been 6 weeks of sadness, anger and hurt on top of desperation and severe depression and looking back it's quite interesting where something like that can get me... We're having a mental health care crisis and getting into therapy is crazy complicated but my advice to everyone: No matter how desperate you are, don't even think about black market therapy. My experience was 0/10. Wouldn't recommend.

What I've learned from this is to trust my intuition because it does a pretty good job. When something feels like emotional black mail, it most certainly is. I'm actually glad to have lost a 'friend' who wouldn't allow me space or time for myself and who was talking about me behind my back about my most personal things that I trusted him with. I can't change that I don't have the right feels for him and I can't force anyone's head out of his ass.

What has happened with the counselor... I'm even unsure if he is really studying psychology or if his only occupation is delivering Chinese food and analysing people by reading fortune cookies. Either way, his respect for ethical guidlines is non-existent, his interpretations of feelings is completely off and his delusions of grandeur are quite striking. I wonder how someone can be in therapy for 'antisocial behavior' for several years and still be proud of having lots of 'good people' as enemies. That and him calling me an annoying little c*nt says more about him than about me... If that's not concerning for someone claiming to have great people skills and counseling superpowers, I don't know what is. I just hope he will never work with people, other than delivering food to their door steps.

The betrayal really hurt. But in the end, I didn't lose anything really. For what it's worth... After calling around 120 therapists with a license I reached one at the right time. I've had two sessions already and can start therapy next week. So I can just talk without having someone be jealous, without having to report about my sessions, without being worried about confidentiality or ethical guidelines or qualification and without being emotionally black mailed.