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Is it my fault or is the situation just as messed up as it sounds?

Pink Freud

Learning
Hello everyone,

I'm in a very strange situation and I could really use some advice. I'm diagnosed with PTSD, can't afford therapy at the moment, waiting lists are 8 months or more, but I'm going through a very tough time right now. Someone who I considered a friend from another country got me in touch with someone from his area who is studying psychology and is a year or so from being qualified for practicing psychotherapy. He is not licensed yet, but he seems to have gone through similar difficulties than I have. He agreed to help, said it would be peer support, and everything would be confidential.

My friend offered to pay for it (which I am very thankful for). But I only took the offer with the condition to pay him back and asked him to discuss the financial aspects before any agreements were being made. Before I had the chance to talk to him, they made an agreement and I feel like I have to pay him back whatever they agreed on. But ok... I didn't make a big deal out of it.

I had five sessions and then quit, even though it did help me. But my friend and the counselor were talking about me (including a diagnosis I didn't have before), so I felt like confidentiality was breached. The counselor was telling me he'd come up with a plan for what we're going to do but didn't and I wasn't sure what this would be exactly. Instead of peer support, it was more full-blown therapy with digging up traumatic memories. I was worried that if that would go on, I would be on my own with a lot more difficult feelings than I was already having and we had agreed on 10 to 12 weeks of peer-support/conseling. Another reason why I quit was that my friend was paying for the sessions, but I know he has feelings for me and I was worried that I would take advantage of that with letting him pay. I also felt uncomfortable that he was asking me about how the sessions went and what I was talking about. It felt like I had to report to him about my progress and felt pressured to make the best of it because he said something along the lines of how happy he would be to see my full potential unfold. I also felt like he expected me to fall in love with him even though he said no strings were attached to him taking care of the payment.

After I quit, they were talking about me again, coming up with another stigmatizing diagnosis because I was getting upset about that they were talking about me and my diagnosis. They called me 'emotionally dysregulated,' which actually made me emotionally dysregulated. I said something that was mean which also proved their point of the diagnosis they came up with.

Now I'm actually worse than before, which is another symptom of the diagnosis they gave me. I didn't get closure from the sessions because the last session wasn't happening because of a misunderstanding (maybe on my part). I'm dealing with a lot of memories and feelings that are quite hard to manage. I don't have support, the situation is blamed only on me and the diagnoses they came up and anything I do or say is proving them. My friend blocked me because I wanted to know what else they were talking about me. The diagnosis they came up with is actually something that no other mental health professional ever saw in me and I saw quite a few in my adult life. The counselor thinks it's just because they aren't trained in that specific field and doesn't seem to have a good opinion on 90% of psychologists anyway.

My friend and I had intensive contact over some time and I did enjoy it until some things happened in my life, that were difficult for me to handle as it was trauma related stuff. I tend to need space and time for myself when I get stressed and especially when I'm confronted with my trauma shit, so I took that space even though he felt rejected by it which created more problems and then I blocked him and dissapeard for years, which was a shitty move. I didn't do it to hurt him though or because I lost interest but I'm actually not good at handling things like that when I'm tailspinning. I got back in contact 6 or so months ago... Same again... Intense contact in the beginning, he helped me, he got me in contact with the counselor and offered to pay, but I felt like there were expectations I couldn't fulfill. It started again to get difficult when I told him I needed a bit of space and time for myself... Especially when I started this peer-support/counseling thing as it's difficult for me. He felt rejected again, I felt bad about it, so I tried to keep up with his desire to be close and in contact but couldn't. In the end... He told me, he was having thoughts, that I had phone sex with the counselor and accused me more or less of chatting with other people while I've been isolating because I've been online a lot on the messenger - that's where I was reading the links the counselor had sent me as well as reading papers.

Even if that's my subjective point of view... Does that really sound like everything is my fault and the result of my dysregulated emotions and mental illness?
 
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Oh, hell no, this isn't your fault. I would report the guy for practicing without a license. Seriously, he has no one overseeing him, and breached your confidence. Your "friend" should not be privy to your therapy sessions. You should not have to pay for someone who is not qualified. Yikes, report him before he gets a license and destroys other lives.
 
He's not technically violating any legal rules as he's simply providing a paid "peer support" service (thus he is not bound by HIPAA or confidentiality just like anyone on this forum isn't bound by it) but the fact that he is training to be a clinician while offering services that he is not qualified to administer (such as diagnosis -> you can disregard anything he has diagnosed you with as he is not licensed to do so) which does violate the standards of professional conduct for counselors - and discussing these "results" with other people - lead me to believe he will become a dangerous and abusive therapist and if there is a body you can report him to (such as his academic adviser, supervisor, program coordinator) I would let them know he is engaging in this behavior - particularly the triangulation with your friend and the accusations of what is professionally known as a dual relationship ("phone sex" or whatever else).
 
This sounds a horrible situation to be in.
Your 'friend' (and it seems all your worries about his intentions are right given his controlling behaviour about who you talk to and the allegation of phone sex he made up) and the 'counsellor' are both terrible people. It reads like they are both using you for their own needs, whatever those are.

I would dump both.
Don't pay a penny to that friend. block them all.
And then try and heal from the distress they created.
 
if there is a body you can report him to (such as his academic adviser, supervisor, program coordinator) I would let them know he is engaging in this behavior - particularly the triangulation with your friend and the accusations of what is professionally known as a dual relationship ("phone sex" or whatever else).
Thanks for your well-balanced, objective view on that!

I'm not going to report anyone... In the end it was my own decision and like I said, it did help me to get some insights because the counselor had a couple of points that hit home for me even though it was absolutely not the right time for that to sink in. I don't think that someone who's having a tough time, unstable life circumstances and is dealing with a good amount of suicidal ideation already should go into childhood stuff with counseling over the phone and with someone who has close to no experience in counseling. Stuff like knowing it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine in your childhood is one thing, but actually realising, that having your nose broken or repeatedly being kicked in the face even counts as domestic violence or abuse when it happened to you... is f*cked up enough when you're somewhat stable.

If any of what the counselor/psychology student told me about himself is true... His own shit (similar to mine) and getting a degree in psychology gave him the ability to figure everything about everyone out within 15 minutes. Upbringing, psyche, what problems someone is dealing with at the moment... He said it became his superpower. It's a bit grandiose but I think that he could have helped me more than most other mental health professionals I've seen before. But the issues with the friend, my issue with feeling like I would take advantage of him for taking the offer despite the fact that he has feelings for me, the confidentiality thing, the not being allowed space without the friend feeling rejected by it made it my kryptonite.

I trusted and liked my friend, I tried trusting the counselor despite the confidentiality but freaking out about not knowing what else they were talking about me and actually getting emotionally dysregulated when I wasn't given the chance or the time to explain and than lashing out because I felt under pressure f*cked it up. I f*cked up but not because of what they think and I believe I'm not the only one who made mistakes. They had their part in that as well. That I got a diagnosis for that and them not believing me or listening f*cked me up even more. So I'm spiraling through feelings and memories like crazy at the moment. That actually is emotional dysregulation and I don't have enough skills to handle it.
At least I can dump it here and whoever doesn't want to read it, can just hit the ignore button. It actually feels good to get it out without feeling like I'm hurting or rejecting someone or being diagnosed and pathologized for having feelings when being treated unfairly in a situation when I'm already struggling.

I wasn't allowed to have feelings... I'm allowing myself to have them now. If that gets me blocked by someone who should know what it's like, so be it. It is bothering me when people who aren't acting ethically, professionally or like a friend themselves expect me to be perfect. And when I fail, it's easy to come up with just another diagnosis that's just the flavor of the day.
 
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His own shit (similar to mine) and getting a degree in psychology gave him the ability to figure everything about everyone out within 15 minutes. Upbringing, psyche, what problems someone is dealing with at the moment... He said it became his superpower.

Allow me to diagnose him as a grandiose narcissist in return. 🤪 Well I'm glad you at least felt there was some benefit to this interaction. Of course whether you report it is totally up to you and I can understand why you mightn't pursue it.

All in all I do not believe you've done anything wrong, but I do think in the future it may be best to either limit these types of deep trauma conversations to licensed professionals (or enter into these discussions knowing that the people around you are not legally obligated to keep your confidence nor be kind to you, nor react in an educated and informed manner - regrettably).

As for the emotional dysregulation component I'd take it with a grain of salt. Typically it's a kind of buzzword that is used to signify you have reached a point of distress that is difficult for you to tolerate, which may result in behaviors you wouldn't otherwise do. If that isn't happening, then his assessment is incorrect and you should disregard that as well.
 
Allow me to diagnose him as a grandiose narcissist in return
Can't be... When I asked him how he would explain that the diagnosis never came up with anyone who I've ever seen about my mental health, he said there are a lot of shitty and narcissistic therapists out there who aren't properly trained in their field but the empathetic, insightful ones are like gold dust. I don't think he was referring to himself with the lack of training, though he's the only one I've ever seen who isn't qualified yet. The only one who gave me a mind f*ck like that as well. But also one who for some reason got to me.

As for the emotional dysregulation component I'd take it with a grain of salt. Typically it's a kind of buzzword that is used to signify you have reached a point of distress that is difficult for you to tolerate, which may result in behaviors you wouldn't otherwise do. If that isn't happening, then his assessment is incorrect and you should disregard that as well.
Sounds like that is it... Point of distress that I can't tolerate anymore.
I'm done with conversations, licensed and unlicensed professionals... I texted him when I was desperate, asking for help. I'm also done with asking for help, trying to trust people and everything else. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope over the weekend. I stopped functioning completely and I'm tired.
 
I'm done with conversations, licensed and unlicensed professionals...
He wasn’t a professional.
He wasn’t your therapist (I can call myself a Tree all I like, that doesn’t make it so).
He was an acquaintance, likely a well-meaning one, who made a massive error of judgment and hurt you a lot in the process.

To judge professionals by actions of someone who isn’t, sounds a lot like a trauma-brain cognitive distortion (he betrayed me, therefore everyone is untrustworthy and unsafe).

It makes sense that this has hurt a lot. Give yourself some space to be hurt, because that’s a perfectly valid emotional response to what your friends did. Be gentle with yourself while that hurt heals.

And when it passes, take charge of your recovery, and find yourselves the kind of qualified and experienced professional help that really deserve.
 
Be gentle with yourself while that hurt heals.
That's one of the things he said... It's something everyone says. But no one ever tells me how to do that.

It's the same with "sit with your feelings". How can I sit with all the desperation and nasty stuff that is coming up without reacting to it?

I'm so f*cking sick and tired of trying so hard. I tried to listen to what I need, which was some space - just a couple of days. I couldn't get it when I was asking nicely for it. So I tried harder, tried to keep up with not getting what I need and not freaking out. In the end I did... I'm the one who has all the issues and gets blamed for everything. The one who's evil and seen as someone who's just runnding around hurting people for fun and pushing them away when I reach a point where I can't take it anymore. It's even hard being with myself in times like this. It sucks, it hurts.
 
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What a horrible, distressing situation. I’m sorry you’ve gone through that.

I'm not going to report anyone... In the end it was my own decision
Up to you entirely if you want to report him, of course. I believe you have grounds to do so if you want to at any point. He had been reckless and caused harm.

Saying that it was your decision…well, not really…you didn’t sign up for what you got. You decided that you would speak to someone who wasn’t qualified, yes. But you didn’t sign up for therapy sessions with him. The agreement at the start was for peer support conversations and he reassured you that the conversations would be confidential and you made your decision and agreed to proceed on that basis. What he then did (unethically!) was go ahead and give you therapy sessions and he breached confidence by discussing you, your conversations and your ‘diagnosis’ with your mutual friend. And when you realised this, and realised (quite understandably!) that his approach wasn’t right for you, you stopped the sessions.

So, whether you want to report or not, please just know that you did not agree to what he ended up doing - that is all on him. And, whether it was intentional on his part or not, he has behaved badly and unethically and has caused harm and hurt.

It’s good that you feel you got some benefits from speaking to him. But any useful insights don’t take away from his unethical and harmful practice.

I don't think that someone who's having a tough time, unstable life circumstances and is dealing with a good amount of suicidal ideation already should go into childhood stuff with counseling over the phone and with someone who has close to no experience in counseling.
I don’t either. Highlighting again his harmful and unethical practice. Which is on him, not on you - you didn’t sign up for that.

His own shit (similar to mine) and getting a degree in psychology gave him the ability to figure everything about everyone out within 15 minutes. Upbringing, psyche, what problems someone is dealing with at the moment... He said it became his superpower. It's a bit grandiose
Ha! Yes…a bit grandiose is an understatement. To be honest, he sounds like a narcissist. And I can’t imagine much worse/damaging than a narcissistic therapist!

At the very least, he has an immature approach to his work and profession.

That I got a diagnosis for that

No you didn’t. He isn’t qualified to diagnose you so any ‘diagnosis’ he’s given you is part of his grandiose bullshit. So, you can dismiss any so called diagnosis he’s given you and not invest any more time, energy or headspace thinking about it.

I know you’re not interested in seeing another therapist at the moment, following this experience (another harm and disservice to you he has caused) And I get that. But I genuinely hope you’ll find some other support from a capable, qualified, experienced practitioner who can really help - and who takes the commitment to ‘do no harm’ seriously. You sound like you’re having a tough time - exacerbated by this experience with these two people. So, I really hope you can find someone who can truly support you.

As for the two of them - I know you say you like them. But, honestly, I think they have both behaved appallingly and you have been harmed and hurt as a result. I don’t think they’re people you need in your life.

Wishing you well as you recover from this experience and navigate the challenges and I hope you find some effective support along the way.
 
But no one ever tells me how to do that.
Great question. Genuinely. Thread-worthy all on its own. Hells, even being able to identify the emotion was a mammoth process for me.

When I “make space” for an emotion, it starts with trying to identify in my body where it is, and what it feels like. Pause there, because without the ability to ground yourself, some folks with ptsd find it really distressing to do any of that ‘get in touch with your body stuff’.

But if you get that far, and it’s okay, imagine your body making space. Like you would for any other physical thing you need to make space for, however that plays out. Maybe it’s space on the couch beside you, space in your busy schedule, space within your body…it can actually mean a tonne of different things. “Hello Hurt, we’re gonna be hanging out together for a while.”

In its simplest form, it can simply be “try to fight against this feeling less”. You hurt. Of course you do. It sux. But it’s here right now, and that’s just how I’m feeling.

‘Being gentle’ with ourselves is easier. Still tricky, but easier. If I’m hurting, then being ‘gentle’ with myself may be things like: forgiving myself in advance for being a bit abrupt with people, giving myself more time alone (usually outdoors with my dog), letting myself yell or listen to obnoxious music, going to bed and staying there longer than usual…ie. Compassion.

If you’re hurt, it’s okay to be imperfect and messy right now. Give yourself a pass. Being messy when you’re hurt doesn’t make you evil, it makes you human.
 
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