Is it my fault? or are they being abusive?

[Sunnydays1]

My two cents: Give yourself space from them, spend time alone or with other people. In time, once you give up with needing to "fix" a relationship, things will start to make sense.

Thank you caroline.
Yes, for years I’ve been trying to fix our relationship, it’s only gotten worse. I’m letting go now.

 

[Sunnydays1]

Update: I just had another verbal fight with my brother and sister (she tried to mediate again), my brother ended up yelling at me again. And he stormed out.

I still don’t know what exactly I’ve done wrong. I asked that he never yells at me again for no reason, then he said I’m no angel either, he said I shout loudly sometimes too, yes I do, but it’s different when a woman shouts it’s less scary than when a man shouts. I sound ridiculous right now -.-

All I know is that I don’t like it when he raises his voice at me, I get very frightened, I know he isn’t going to harm me, but still it feels as if I’m going to die. And then I’m afraid because there’ll be tension between us.

My sister is asking me to forget about him (my brother) and turn a new page, but how do I act normally, while I’m feeling afraid and angry.

 

[Sideways]

how do I act normally, while I’m feeling afraid and angry.

Walk out. Get some space from the situation.

Effective communication has stopped once either of you is yelling: no one is really thinking through what they’re saying, and no one is really hearing the other person. So as well as distressing, it’s also completely pointless.

Leaving doesn’t need to be dramatic. It’s not a punishment, it’s barely even a statement (beyond “I don’t want to be here anymore”). It’s just exiting the situation.

Walking out gives you a chance to get your breathing regulated again (if necessary, keep walking for about 10 minutes, even if you’re going in circles, to force the body to regulate). It stops the pointlessness of 1 person screaming at another. It brings things back into perspective: whatever we were trying to talk about, we weren’t doing it effectively, so the conversation either doesn’t need to happen, or it needs to happen in a different way. And it makes it clear for everyone involved (including ourselves) that I don’t do this anymore. Tolerating being yelled at isn’t something I do now.

It cuts both ways. People will keep yelling at us if that’s how we communicate with them.

There’s some really useful things to learn about assertive communication for folks (like me) who have a history of interpersonal trauma - how to actually communicate with people in an effective way, which includes when people are talking to us, as well as how we talk to them.

 

[Friday]

but it’s different when a woman shouts it’s less scary than when a man shouts. I sound ridiculous right now -.-

Good catch!

Both of you shout at each other. The pieces you can really work on?

- Not shouting at him, and when you do catch yourself shouting? Stop. Apologize. Carry on in a normal tone of voice. BE the change you want to see in the world.

- Come up with a pattern of behaviour for when other people shout at you. “Act normal” is one possible action, so is leaving the room, and 10,000 other things. Pick one or three things you like, and can live happily with, and practice doing them.

 

[Movingforward10]

How do I do this for myself? Can I do it without a therapist?

having a therapist has helped me, but other people do things without therapists, maybe self help books and tools will help?

Again, how do I reach this state?

i think it about building a sense of self. That you are a whole person, able to give yourself care, compassion, and all the validation you need. Moving away from wanting all that from your family. Radical acceptance of the limitations family offer. But also radical acceptance of how you behave and how you can change.

I asked that he never yells at me again for no reason, then he said I’m no angel either, he said I shout loudly sometimes too, yes I do, but it’s different when a woman shouts it’s less scary than when a man shouts. I sound ridiculous right now -.-

It might help you to reframe how you see this. Take the gender thing out of it, as that is opinion and not fact.
with the gender aspect taken out, can you see that it is an unequal thing to expect someone to treat you differently to how you treat them? If you don’t want someone shouting at you, it prob is likely they don’t want you shouting at them.
you can’t change them. But you can change you shouting.

 

[EveHarrington]

So your brother isn’t allowed to be irritated or upset or simply having a bad day, for any other reason but you?

I think you see where I’m going here.

 

[Sunnydays1]

Good catch!

Both of you shout at each other. The pieces you can really work on?

- Not shouting at him, and when you do catch yourself shouting? Stop. Apologize. Carry on in a normal tone of voice. BE the change you want to see in the world.

- Come up with a pattern of behaviour for when other people shout at you. “Act normal” is one possible action, so is leaving the room, and 10,000 other things. Pick one or three things you like, and can live happily with, and practice doing them.

Thank you Friday.

The option I chose was to withdraw and cut contact, he got upset why I’m not talking, and fought again.

I’ll have to chose another mature response. But my problem is that I get triggered when I sense the slightest hostility, and I start shaking and I get angry.

It might help you to reframe how you see this. Take the gender thing out of it, as that is opinion and not fact.
with the gender aspect taken out, can you see that it is an unequal thing to expect someone to treat you differently to how you treat them? If you don’t want someone shouting at you, it prob is likely they don’t want you shouting at them.
you can’t change them. But you can change you shouting.

Yes, this makes sense.

So your brother isn’t allowed to be irritated or upset or simply having a bad day, for any other reason but you?

I think you see where I’m going here.

Perhaps you didn’t get my story.
Of course everyone’s allowed to be in a bad mood, but to take it out on another person, that’s not ok, IMO.
I don’t know how to behave in such a situation, I’m learning.

 

[Sunnydays1]

Thank you all very much it helped reading your different points of view, I appreciate your time in writing.

 

[caroline_13]

Walk out. Get some space from the situation.

Effective communication has stopped once either of you is yelling: no one is really thinking through what they’re saying, and no one is really hearing the other person. So as well as distressing, it’s also completely pointless.

Leaving doesn’t need to be dramatic. It’s not a punishment, it’s barely even a statement (beyond “I don’t want to be here anymore”). It’s just exiting the situation.

Walking out gives you a chance to get your breathing regulated again (if necessary, keep walking for about 10 minutes, even if you’re going in circles, to force the body to regulate). It stops the pointlessness of 1 person screaming at another. It brings things back into perspective: whatever we were trying to talk about, we weren’t doing it effectively, so the conversation either doesn’t need to happen, or it needs to happen in a different way. And it makes it clear for everyone involved (including ourselves) that I don’t do this anymore. Tolerating being yelled at isn’t something I do now.

It cuts both ways. People will keep yelling at us if that’s how we communicate with them.

There’s some really useful things to learn about assertive communication for folks (like me) who have a history of interpersonal trauma - how to actually communicate with people in an effective way, which includes when people are talking to us, as well as how we talk to them.

Agreed. Physical distance from them - as much as you can.

Minimize the verbal back-and-forth. Even if you're cutting yourself off, their feedback will eventually dwindle if there's nothing to respond to.

You're on the right track!

 

[silverlinings1069]

Perhaps you didn’t get my story.
Of course everyone’s allowed to be in a bad mood, but to take it out on another person, that’s not ok, IMO.
I don’t know how to behave in such a situation, I’m learning.

I agree - taking it out on someone is not right. That is his frustration and he needs to learn to deal with it, especially if you are trying to work out an issue with him. Unfortunately, you cannot control him and his reactions. Only your own. (This is some MAJOR therapy at work right there.)

I also know that I need to work on my own triggers. I get very triggered when people get angry and show it. I finally realized I get triggered when I see the brow of anyone furrow in front of me for any reason. That look is all it takes to send me spiraling (thanks dad). I have addressed it in therapy and it has helped so much. Maybe look at different situations that you have felt this way. See if you can pinpoint where the conversation gets derailed. Try to identify any feelings in your body that let you know something is not right. Memorize sentences that could take the temperature of the discussion down. These are the things I have been working on and changing. Slowly.