Almost Ready To Give Up

[Vuga]

I haven't been doing well at all recently. I can't sleep, the flashbacks/intrusive memories are getting worse, and I really just want to die. I've started arguing with everyone I think might care about me, because a part of me believes if they all start to hate me my disappearing will be justified. I know I'm wrong, I just can't shake the feeling. The people that act like they care say all the wrong words and it just pisses me off even more. You know the "it could always be worse" or "I know how you feel" bullshit.
My T is really good and I've even started being ignorant to her. I don't even know if I want to get better. I've been like this my entire life. What if I get better and let my guard down? What if I hate the thing people call happy? What if depression and anxiety is my version of happy?
I'm just so lost and it feels like there is no hope and never will be. I keep looking for the positive stories but the few I see feel like lies. Not intentional lies, more like they are lying to themselves.
If you read all of that thanks. I just need someone that understands to let me know if "happy" is worth it. Does it really feel good, or is it just a let down? Is it even achievable or am I just wasting my time wondering about it.

 

[Wukip]

I can relate a lot to what you have written
You describe it so well.
I also have one more struggle, am I deserve to be happy at all.
I really want to tell you what is deep in my heart right now, I do feel lonely and lost and I doubt so much things including the one you described, is it worth all this just to be 'happy'.
I believe it is actually. Deep inside I do.
I think that even ruined souls as we are can be loved and cherished and can feel happiness, maybe in our way but still.
I keep fighting only because I still am able to believe, so I would love if I could convey part of that feeling to you.
You are not alone in feeling this way. I question same things every day. And still I think it's worth it.

 

[Dobu]

It is worth it. The smallest moments of happiness are enough to stay alive for. I'm not 100% okay right now, I'd be lying if I said I was, but I am in a better place than I was before and when I think about it I'm glad I didn't end my life when everything around me was just darkness.

If I had died I wouldn't have experienced -
digging my toes beneath the sand with the waves splashing against my feet and feeling a sense of total calm
baking cookies with my friend and holding her hand when we went on a walk outside
taking my baby brother to the park and watching him be carefree
buying a bath bomb and feeling so so soft after using it
complimenting a cute girl who smiled and shyly said "thank you"

My anxiety is the worst it has ever been right now, but YES happiness is worth it. I would imagine it's hard to take my words to heart when you feel the way you just described. I'm sorry it's come to the point where you have to ask the question; is staying alive even worth it? It is. Please believe me. I apologize if I've said any wrong words and this upsets you even more. It helps to find a reason to stay alive. Even if it's something as small as to eat your favorite foods. Thank you for being here right now despite how hard it is.