Alone

[lorraine]

Well I am back.
Seems that I only really come here when I am down.

I had a good week (good meaning not suicidal), but the last few days things are starting to roll around in my head.

I hate my life most of the time, I have alot of guilt, and if one more person says "YOU CANT BLAME YOURSELF" I think I will scream.

It really sucks that there is no one I can talk to. Nobody understands.

Maybe if I would have tried a little harder to make things work then none of this would have happened. If I didn't have to leave then this would not have happened. I should have been there
so it is my fault. There is no way around it, I screwed up and they are dead, because I didn't try hard enough

I went to the grave for the first time last summer and it really messed up my head. I don't have any right to mourn them because I wasn't there to save them.

What do I do??????????

David, I am not sure if this will post or not, but you sound as if you are in the same place I am right now. I don't know where your small community is, but mine is in th middle of the Nevada desert. I also have two elderly parents--one with full blown dementia, and the other one starting, so it would be nice to have someone to talk to

 

[J.C.]

David67,

Welcome to the forum and I think your post was precise and to the point. I like that. Sorry you've been sick for 9 years...me too hmmm...you have no resources and I live in place that has inept resources so bad that it made everything worse and set me waaay back...oh well so I get back up when I can and carry on...

I know what it is like to be alone and lonely and also alone and not lonely....I'd just rather be alone and happy than unhappy and with an a-hole. This is tough 'cause in PTSD it is important to not isolate just as it is important to not surround your self with unhealthy people. So I live in a town where it has far more douche bags (this is what everyone out here says) per captia than possibly any other place on the planet. Ha! I believe it will get better and that I can improve my condition.

I hope you find good info here. Please do not harm yourself with pills (I lost friends to that...friend is not a term I use loosely). This is why you came here. You are hurting and searching for the answer. Wishing you well on your journey. Please do not give up.

Super Moon out tonight! :)

 

[AngelaMarie]

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I hope you stick with it!:)

 

[You can get through it]

Hi David

Don't give up on the site, I also had a message about using page breaks, however I think it would be better if the admin would recognise white spaces between paragraphs which in my opinion would help with presentation of the text when typing into the reply box. We must also recognize that this is a free site and people put their own time into maintaining the service for everyone to use.

Your feelings of guilt are a byproduct of ptsd along with the other irrational fears we have. At first I used to have a big ego and would not accept I needed help, but there again I may be getting confused between ego and pride. I found my anger was a real stumbling block to recovery, which was mainly directed toward me along with masses of guilt for not being able to get my life back on track mixed with all the worry about letting others down.

After the physical evidence had gone I was expected to shut up and get on with it, a stupid assumption on the part of others, fortunately I had the presents of mind to ignore this and get some help, even if a little late. People’s perception have been no different now I am no longer looking like death after my cancer treatment, however I have used the insight gained from ptsd to help me deal with this awful thing. Give me all the worries of cancer but I never want to be exposed to the worst of ptsd again.

If you keep turning in on yourself you may just succeed in taking your own life or damaging your internal organs and then end up with a load of other problems to add to your woes. You are half way there if you can recognize you have a problem, therefore to isolate yourself over a remark about grammar or spelling is just fool hardy with a potential to be dangerous for your continued health. We all have choices in life so make sure you chose wisely.

Keep working on things
Steve