Already annoyed... questions/rant

[Supervixn]

To make a long story short, I am moving my mother from another state to live with me because her home is being foreclosed upon and my sibling who is in town with her refuses to help her whatsoever. She's almost 70 years old, she is "physically disabled" and does not have a car. She is very narcissistic and I believe if she doesn't suffer from narcissism, she definitely has some kind of personality disorder and/or mental issue. She's a very emotionally abusive person who has been very degrading and who has stolen money from me and took out several credit cards in my name starting when I was about 10. I disclosed incestuous abuse which she didn't believe. On and on, I couldn't name everything she's done here but you get the gist. She just sucks but I love her because she's my mom and I feel responsible for helping her.

I don't want to make myself sound like a victim here. I have always felt responsible for the well-being of my mother and have taken care of her as best I can even out of state. But something is already bugging me and I don't know how to approach it or deal with it given how she is and how stubbornly combative she gets. Any boundary you place she bullies into submission and tramples over

I began my spiritual journey a couple years ago. My mother is even hostile toward people's relationship with God and church. It's like she's jealous of myself and my brothers love of God and always has to point out how we don't measure up to God's standards (shes not spiritual), as if she's some authority. I recently applied to work at a church and am so excited at the possibility of working in a place where I can focus on and build my spirituality. It's amazing to me! Ive been so horribly jaded and bogged down and yet haven't felt so excited about something in a long time! I hope it works out. However, my mom responds with her criticisms ("the church is full of hypocrites," "they're all backstabbing liars" etc). I said firmly but respectfully to her "I can't have that if you're living here with me. I can't have that negativity, especially if I'm working at a church". She responds with "I'm allowed to have my opinion if I want". Hell... You're going to be under MY roof so keep it to yourself lady, is how I see it. She's not expected to pay for anything and will sleep in my bed while I sleep on the couch. How dare she.

She is the kind of person who will steal from you but keeps tabs of everything she ever bought you. "When you where 12 I bought you
..." and you always feel like you're owing her for your own life practically.

Anyway. How do I deal with her hostility/jealousy/negativity toward spirituality while I live with her? I'm trying to make our living situation as temporary as possible and get her into a senior living place ASAP. I just worry about the stress this is going to put onto me, as this is an area of my life I'm very protective over because I love God so much and spirituality helps me more than anything. I don't need help with ruining good things in my life. How do I not end up exploding on this pathetic person? She doesn't respect boundaries but in fact finds ways to trample all over them

Help. Anything please

 

[Freida]

This might be easier said than done -- but can you just refuse to engage with her? As in - she starts in and you walk away. To another room or even outside if necessary. If she hates everything you won't be able to stop her from venting - but you can change how you react to it. It's not really a boundary for her to cross because you are physically removing yourself from the discussion/berating/argument. Then you only come back when she behaves in a more civilized manner. It might take a few days for her to catch on -- but ..... worth a try??

 

[Supervixn]

Perhaps... it is worth a try. Thank you for the suggestion! Never tried that with her before

 

[Justmehere]

However, my mom responds with her criticisms ("the church is full of hypocrites," "they're all backstabbing liars" etc)

My reply to someone trying to just get a reaction from me? (not actually have a legit conversation about concerns about the church - which is different) “Yep. The church is full of sinners in need of a savior. That’s the whole point.” And I say it in a very mellow way. If I don’t give them reaction they want, and they generally drop it.

In other situations where the conversation just needs to stop: “If you continue to talk about xyz, I’m going to end the conversation and walk away/hang up.” And then if they carry on, I do just that. Over and over and over. People either get the point, and drop it, or they don’t. Either way, I don’t have to keep talking about it / hearing about it.

 

[scout86]

This isn't the answer to the question you asked, but I've got to say this sounds like a REALLY bad idea. You are only responsible for your mother's well being if you chose to be. (And it seems like a really awful choice, in this case.)

 

[Sideways]

The only problem with walking away, is you’re on the couch. She has your room. Getting to a safe place? Is essentially going to mean walking out of your own home. That’s a really tough situation for you to be putting yourself in.

Is there still time to investigate alternatives emergency housing options? Is there anywhere se she can go if you really think laterally? It’s actually okay if her housing standard isn’t the same as what she may be used to, so long as she has adequate accommodation...

Thing is, it sounds a bit like this is an example of what is to come, rather than being ‘the issue’ that you may have to deal with. She’s not going to change. And you can ask her to observe some ground rules while she’s under your roof, but what happens when she inevitably pushes those boundaries? What is the consequence?

I think what you’re doing is incredibly noble. You don’t owe her your bed. You don’t. It’s fantastic that you want to help, but is this something your health can survive?

 

[Supervixn]

Thank you all. I am trying to get her to look into some senior living communities before she moves out here so hopefully the stay wont be too long...

 

[Sideways]

Sounds good. Fingers crossed she gets a space asap, and we got your back here wheb you’re needing to rant again (coz it sounds like she may be the kind of person who inspires the occasional rant!!!).