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Alright We Need More Jokes
- Post starter Fargo1
- Start date
- Status
Jesus, Joseph Smith and Buddha go fishing one day. Miles from land the motor gives up the ghost on them. Now adrift, they each take action in their own way.
Smith states, "No worries, the lord will guide us to safety...I hope. Don't know nothing about boats as everything floats in the great salt lake. I pray we were there now."
Buddha says "Wishing will get you nowhere. We may live or we may die, but if we die we shall be reborn in safety. Better to meditate on the future than worry about the now."
Jesus looks at both of them in exasperation and growls "Bullshit. If you two aren't gonna help, I'll fix this myself! I'll walk and pull us home!". He then ties a rope to the bow and the other end to his waist and calmly steps over the side only to immediately sink. Joe Smith and the Buddha haul him sputtering back into the boat.
Not one to give up, he says "Sorry guys. Been awhile. I'll get it this time!" He looks at the sky and asks his dad for some help, then steps over the side and promptly sinks below the waves.
They haul a dejected Jesus up again into the boat. He says in a frustrated tone, "I don't get it. It worked last time no problem!" Joseph Smith shrugs in loss for words at the Buddha who then replies, "Yeah J.C. we know....but last time your feet didn't have those holes in them!"
Smith states, "No worries, the lord will guide us to safety...I hope. Don't know nothing about boats as everything floats in the great salt lake. I pray we were there now."
Buddha says "Wishing will get you nowhere. We may live or we may die, but if we die we shall be reborn in safety. Better to meditate on the future than worry about the now."
Jesus looks at both of them in exasperation and growls "Bullshit. If you two aren't gonna help, I'll fix this myself! I'll walk and pull us home!". He then ties a rope to the bow and the other end to his waist and calmly steps over the side only to immediately sink. Joe Smith and the Buddha haul him sputtering back into the boat.
Not one to give up, he says "Sorry guys. Been awhile. I'll get it this time!" He looks at the sky and asks his dad for some help, then steps over the side and promptly sinks below the waves.
They haul a dejected Jesus up again into the boat. He says in a frustrated tone, "I don't get it. It worked last time no problem!" Joseph Smith shrugs in loss for words at the Buddha who then replies, "Yeah J.C. we know....but last time your feet didn't have those holes in them!"
Anglesachse
Diamond Member
THESE REALLY WORK!
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU SHOVE THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU SHOVE THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.
- Post starter
- #513
One day little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigarette. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke one of your cigarettes?"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
"No!" Said little Johnny.
"Then your not old enough."
The next day, little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?"
"Can your penis reach your asshole?" Replied Gradpa.
"No, little Johnny said.
"Then your not old enough."
The next day, little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have one of your cookies?"
Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
"It most certainly can!" Replied Grandpa.
"Then go f*ck yourself old man. These are my cookies!"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
"No!" Said little Johnny.
"Then your not old enough."
The next day, little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?"
"Can your penis reach your asshole?" Replied Gradpa.
"No, little Johnny said.
"Then your not old enough."
The next day, little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have one of your cookies?"
Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?"
"It most certainly can!" Replied Grandpa.
"Then go f*ck yourself old man. These are my cookies!"
- Post starter
- #514
- Status
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- goingonhope
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