Am I An Dumb, Idiot, Fool, Arrogant, Sarcastic, Rude Or Scar (the Villain From Lion King)?

[J_trustno1]

I know the heading doesn't sound very nice. However, these are the statements I have been hearing all my life!

1. Dumb: I was never good enough according to my fathers standards because I was a slow learner and a book worm. It took me time to understand things while my brother (2 years younger) is a street smart. He could do those tricky questions in maths which i couldn't. However, I could do Algebra and all the math problems but I have always had trouble where there were tricky words involved. Therefore, according my genius father I was "DUMB". I was given this name tag when i was like 9 yr old. That is the time when they start having those bursary exams where i come from. But the funny thing is, I always topped in school, came first yet my brother never topped in class or school. But always considered smart.

My brother was given better treatment because he is a boy and I was not because I am a "GIRL" (i.e. not so important according to my father). I was always put down by my father, sworn at and he even tried killing me when i was 10. I hope you get where i am getting at now.

I have finished my masters degree in engineering yet I still feel I am dumb and my brother is smarter than me because I still can't solve those challenging maths word problems. I got first class honors in my degree, topped in English at school after it being my third language BUT i still feel DUMB!

2. Idiot & Fool: these are my brother's favourite words for me. Every time my abusers (mum's siblings) abused me, my brother thought they were right and I was wrong. He said to me that i am the sour person and too Stubborn. Last year, a so called friend and his wife sat a trap for me and groomed me well so they could rape me. However, my instincts warned me and i was saved from that rape. My brother was the first person I told this to. Instead of being there for me, he called me an idiot and a fool for not understanding their instincts. Last week a stray cat bit me, my brother was laughing at me and telling me how foolish I am. He always complains to me that he has warned me about things but I don't listen to him. He's always trying to be my babysitter.

He thinks that i can't live own my own because I am an idiot and anyone can fool me. However, I always stand up for him when my mum's siblings are trying to hurt him. I always feel his pain and i always stand up for him BUT he's never there for me.

3. Arrogant, sarcastic, rude or Scar: These are the favourite words given to me by my mum's brother and her sisters. They have always berated me, put me down and called me rude, sarcastic and arrogant. I am called Scar. It just hurts to see how people give you such names.

I actually started hating myself and felt that i don't deserve any good treatment. I don't deserve to dress well, eat well or present myself well because I am not a nice person because they don't think i am.

Now my mind keeps telling me that i am dumb, idiot, fool, arrogant, sarcastic and rude.
I keep feeling that I am not good enough and my brother + father + abusers are right.

Does anyone has any suggestions? Please help. Yes, I am in therapy and on antidepressants (sigh) :(.

But why Do I feel exactly what I have been told by my father over e 17-18 yrs of time?

Was me being almost raped by so called friends was my fault? Was I a foolish person for not realizing the danger ahead? Why do I stand up for my brother against my mum's siblings while he never does? Why do I feel his pain while he thinks I have no importance? Why am I never heard? Why do my words never value?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey @J_trustno1 !

I'll tell you what I think. It's a joke. All of it.

Dumb, Idiot, Fool, Arrogant, Sarcastic, Rude, Evil Villain. I recognize every single one of these labels. Every single one of these labels were nailed on my forehead too. And I'll tell you, they're gibberish from the tongues of people who never took the interest, and the time, to really know who you are. Superficial labels. Easy names.

I am "slow" to learn certain things. I was the slowest learner of my class in algebra, language and swimming. It took me three years to learn Spanish when we moved there. But once I master an art, I master it better than anybody who judged me before, because I take real time and real effort to exactly understand how it works. Also, in order to verily understand things, they need my interest. Once I have an interest in something, I become top of the class. I sound exactly like you!

You excel at some things your brother doesn't excel at. You beat PTSD up to this point, and even with PTSD, you managed to get a masters' in engineering and know three languages. Can your brother claim those things? Nope.

I hope you don't take personal offense, I really don't mean to offend you personally, but your brother sounds like an ...hole. He sounds like he has a constant need to prove that he's above you. When people need to constantly prove their superiority, they actually feel inferior. Fact of nature. Calling you a villain? Same deal. They probably feel guilty.

I myself have been called sarcastic, in my case it's true. I don't mind. I have used sarcasm for a long time to deal with my situation and am now becoming less sarcastic. It's fine to use certain instruments to survive, as long as they're not too damaging.

Man, isn't it a pain that when insecure people put labels on you, you make them your own? Don't do it! :) I know it's hard not to. I've done it myself. So they didn't take the time to get to know who you actually are. Now it's up to you, to discover who you actually are. You know that you are none of the above, otherwise you wouldn't be questioning it as you are now.

Keep it up.

 

[Underdog]

Glad to hear you are in therapy. Just as these events have been happening for so long they have also been that deeply engrained. They won't just go away because you acknowledge that they exist and will take time and effort to move beyond them. In the meanwhile, acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments and that they are truly just that! You mentioned quite a few actually!

As for the rape (or potential), no one is responsible for a rapist's thoughts or intentions. Those are the rapist's alone and not your burden. So you got blindsided. We all do by various things and people in our lives. Sadly, it just happens sometimes. But at least you listened to your instincts and avoided it! Again, another triumph and strength!

So tricky word problems stumble you, they do for me as well.

We are more than the sum of our shortcomings. We must see our strengths while acknowledging we do have those shortcomings, but we are never just one side of that. I have a hard time acknowledging that I pulled myself out of severe drug usage while all around me continued down into self-destruction. I sometimes don't acknowledge that I was a survivor and saved many people from truly life threatening situations. Heck, despite the lack of any support (family, friends, otherwise), I went back to school and got a triple emphasis degree and am now happily married! A lot of pain and sacrifice was needed to get where I am today, but I continually remind myself that I did it by myself. I am winning and not totally a failure!

 

[Tippi]

I am so sorry you've been subjected to such degrading messages. No parent should be so cruel as to label a child. Ever. You should have been able to count upon your parent to be your greatest advocate in life, but instead he put you down in such cruel ways.

It sounds as if you got mistreated by others in your family. I don't know why some people find it necessary to say such things to children. It's so wrong.

Because of the abusive words I heard while growing up, my self-esteem and self-image was extremely damaged. Children believe what they are told. You had no choice. I also hated myself for a very long time.

But if you can understand, or at least begin to understand, that others who say such things have massive emotional problems. A truly loving and secure person never says such cruel things to their own child. Or to any child, for that matter. You certainly never deserved to be treated the way they treated you. I know that it's easy to believe that those words are true. But they are not.

It will take time for you to "unlearn" what you have learned. Thank goodness for therapy, right?

If at all possible, can you stay far away from anyone who treats you so abusively? I know it's hard when it's our own family members. I know that. But to be continuously subjected to their cruelty seems very counterproductive. You are being continually traumatized. And, yes, verbal abuse is traumatizing.

I do understand how painful it is to be called names and to be labeled. But please know that you are none of those things. In fact, I bet you are quite the opposite. Maybe that's what bothers your abusers and they are jealous and insecure. I wish I could give you a big hug.......:hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

My family often ridiculed me during dinner. I always ended up crying and that just made them positively gleeful. No adult in the home protected me. I was stupid dumb ugly slave beaten raped ignored.
I have the highest level of education in my family and was always the top in my class. I do not few family as a source of comfort. They all suck and I know exceed them all.

 

[scout86]

But why Do I feel exactly what I have been told by my father over e 17-18 yrs of time?

If I asked you that question, what you YOU tell ME? We are programed to learn stuff from our parents when we are young. That's the way our species works. We also tend to believe things, true or not, when we hear them long enough, from a source that is supposed to be credible. You had no way to know the sources you were listening to weren't credible, but they weren't.

You aren't ANY of those things. You presented good evidence to refute the charges. But, I think your list of "abusers" needs to expand. Your father and your brother also need to be on that list. I have NO idea what their problems are, but it appears they have a few.

 

[shimmerz]

Whenever I hear words like the ones from your family I know that they are disturbed. I picture a mirror in front of me that bounces the words away from me and back onto them. Honestly, I couldn't even come up with those words about someone and I bet neither could you. Know why? Because we aren't like that. We aren't what others define us to be.

I am concerned though that you have stopped being able to challenge this stuff and are absorbing it as your truth. It is not too late though. If a mirror doesn't work for you can you put up a shield of some sort? Can you think of those words and imagine while you are thinking of them them bouncing off of the mirror or shield into the air and far away from you? Can you see the words as black bugs and step to one side and away from them?

Not sure if this will help you but these are the tools I use in order to realize the toxicity of them and I had to choose whether to allow them in or not. Another thing is - I don't know a single person on this EARTH that is as bad as they are saying about you (and was once said about me). That in itself should help to add some logic and get your upper brain engaged in this so that you can make choices as to whether you will accept this or not.

I have seen your postings. You are an angel. :angelic::angelic::angelic::angelic: I mean that. You are caring and compassionate, you hurt easily, you are smart and probably a lovely person to know IRL. Hang out with these cool kids more ;). We will set you straight.

 

[Go Hungry]

You're none of these things. The guys above are right, you should definitely include your father and brother on the list of abusers. Their behaviour is the true villainy. :hug:

 

[J_trustno1]

To everyone above: Thanks for your very kind words. I really appreciate it all.

However, I have a question: was it my fault for not understanding that so called friend and his wife's intentions in wanting to rape me at first? That is what my brother feels about me. He thinks I am a fool because I never get first impression of other people because I don't listen to him since he is very wise.

Secondly, am I dumb because I still can't solve those tricky maths word problems because my brother can? Is my brother really superior to me intellectually or intelligent than me like my father has always said? I know that I am a slow learner but I am hardworking.

I will really appreciate if anyone can set me straight on the questions I have just asked. Because I do feel Dumb and foolish because of my father and brother :(. Thanks in advance.

 

[shimmerz]

Honestly, if he was @J_trustno1 he would not have to continually put you down. Anyone who actually believes that they are smart - has any self confidence at all - doesn't need to kick other people around emotionally. I learned along the way that when someone says 'You, you, you...' they actually mean 'Me, me, me...'

Each of us makes our mistakes in life and those who care about us soothe us and prop us up. They don't tell you that it was 'your fault for being raped'. Honestly, that is disgusting. I guess it matters what you value. You are a good and kind person. He clearly is having a difficult time with having any empathy what-so-ever. I would take empathy as a character trait over math any day!

Love who you are. :) :hug:

 

[J_trustno1]

@shimmerz : Thanks and :hug:s for saying that. It really means a lot. I have always felt that my brother (2 years younger to me) is more superior to me intellectually and is more mature + wise :(.

 

[shimmerz]

Humiliating someone is the most immature thing EVER. I remember asking my Woman's advocate when I was in an abusive marriage how she knew that I was not the one being abusive in the marriage. My husband had me doubting it. She said, "I see it in your actions, I hear it in what you say and the tone of your voice, I can see that because you care who you are that you haven't the capacity to be what he says you are.'

That is when I saw his words as black bugs coming at me. I stepped away every time I heard them and I learned I had to step farther and farther and he insisted I take his words on. Best visualization EVER for me. Then I learned about the mirror. Bouncing words back to people and not taking them in. I picture a two sided mirror - in the side that faces me is a beautiful aura surrounding me. I let nothing through that anymore. I only accept beauty. It has changed everything.

Don't forget the light that shines from within you. Make it stronger than any words.