Am I Being A Stalker?

[Upside Down Eagle]

Heya peeps :)

I´ve been gone for a long time. Again. I´m a wanderer ;)

I would like your opinion on a behavioral issue I´m having. Maybe it´s normal, but I want to check in anyway. Most of you folks know that I have been on-and-off obsessed with this one dude since 2012 when I met him (before my transition).

Back then, we had a short fling and then we basically ditched each other (it was mutual) but I had a very hard time letting go of him. For years I kept sending emails and letters telling him about my problems and saying that I wish that he would visit or something (he never did).

I felt like a huge stalker. Eventually this behavior stopped and now our relationship is one of friendship. He helped organize my birthday event in November for a group of people. We met in February to have some coffee and a chat, which was fun.

A friend of mine, who has known him for ten years or so, tells me that he never initializes contact. Which is true. I always have to ask or invite him, and I usually get a reply, but he would never come by on his own accord, for example.

The thing is that I still care deeply for him. Not in a romantic way - he has a girlfriend and I´m fine with that. I am more interested in women than men generally (which pretty much excludes him). I miss him. But since I sort of stalked him, I feel super creepy for missing him.

I found an old letter from 2013 with two lions on it who are cuddling. It was directed at him. It said something like "I miss you, but I can´t figure out why". I never sent the letter. I feel like sending this letter to him now, telling him that it was sitting in my desk drawer.

But the reason that I want to send the letter is I miss him. I´ve been really stressed and tired lately and maybe I miss him more because of it. And I´m just not sure if it is normal to miss someone this much, especially considering that he wouldn´t visit me on his own initiative.

I don´t want to be super creepy again and send this letter for unhealthy reasons.

Looking forward to your thoughts.

 

[Kintsugi]

If you still see him around, why not invite him out with other friends or just ask him if he wants to have lunch or something?

When I'm desperately depressed, I tend to thrash around for connection with those I've felt intimately attached to in the past. It doesn't usually go well. I'm too intense to approach communication healthily, and it's really a one-way street: *I* need YOU. For me. I've pretty much stopped this crap... but not always. It puts the other person in a bad position, too much pressure on them to help me, or they're elated for the contact, and then I burn that bridge when I don't need them anymore.

I don't know if any of that sounds familiar. Just throwing it out there.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Simon, that sounds totally familiar.

Perhaps you´re right about putting him in a bad position. I do need something from him, which is comfort, but it´s not like we are such big buds that I can just ask for it. Or I guess I could ask him for it, but maybe I need to ask directly if he wants to provide comfort, rather than be indirect about it. Hmm...

 

[scout86]

As a rule of thumb, I'll bet very few real stalkers worry about whether or not they're stalking someone.

Here's another perspective. In real life, I rarely initiate contact with anyone. Why? Because I don't want to be a bother. I'm usually pleasantly surprised if someone reaches out to my.

The letter, with that picture, could cause some confusion. But I don't see anything wrong with asking if he'd like to get together for coffee sometime soon.

 

[Deadman]

I don´t want to be super creepy again and send this letter for unhealthy reasons.

I'd say trust your instincts on this. If it doesn't feel right to you don't do it.

 

[Sideways]

It sounds like you know that you've had unhealthy boundaries with this guy in the past, so it seems pretty level-headed of you to wonder what's appropriate and what's too much. Given he has a girlf, and you've had these past issues, I'd err on the side of caution. If you want to keep things as just friends, that does kinda mean respecting the fact that he is in a relationship now. Coffee? Sweet. Reminiscent cards in the mail? Too much.

Maybe you could also reexamine what it is that you get from this guy. Like, what needs is this meeting? How does this relationship make you feel good? And then, are there other options to explore where you might actually be able to get your needs better met by someone else.

Thing for me about reminiscing - it's very biased. I tend to look back at past relationships, guys and friends that I've known, as all good, or all bad. And if I spend too long reminiscing, my brain can lull itself into the belief that the other person still (or might) see our relationship as this huge significant thing like I do. When the reality? They've moved on. Both of our lives have changed, moved in different directions. It's not personal, it's just life.

This guy seems to be filling a bit of a void for you. If he's got a girlf, that doesn't sound realistic. And I can't help wondering, would you maybe get far more out of new relationships if you took the chance?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I think you guys are right about the letter, specially the part about it being reminiscent and it being weird to send it. Considering that he´s in a relationship.

I´m not interested in him romantically, but I can understand why it might seem like it, since I do still feel this very intense emotional bond towards him. Just like Simon said I mostly feel this way when the going is rough. So mostly for some kind of support.

The reason I was so obsessed with him in the past is mostly because he made me feel safe, even though I´ve never been able to figure out how come he makes me feel safe. If I could figure it out, then maybe I could look for this in myself. He has always felt very "brotherly" and I don´t have any other direct siblings, so I sort of adopted him without him knowing... :wacky:

Do you think it would be weird if I told him I´m struggling with this? By which I mean that I could tell him that I´m going through a rough time and that I am having a bit of a fallback unto old habits. If I tell him this, then he can be aware of it, and I think it might give me an incentive not to be reminiscent.

He knows that I have this "problem", because we´ve talked about it before (even when he already had a relationship). I apologized for being so weird and he gets it, so I don´t think it would be an issue. On the other hand this is my problem, not his, and so maybe I should try to work through it on my own...

Oof... I hate this emotional baggage stuff.

 

[scout86]

He has always felt very "brotherly" and I don´t have any other direct siblings,

The way I see it, our REAL family is not necessarily based on biology. I had a friend who was like a brother. We talked about it. He said he'd always wanted a sister. I'd always wanted a brother who actually liked me...... So we 'adopted' each other. And I COULD talk to him about nearly anything.

Based on what you've said, it seems entirely possibly that you could talk about this stuff with this guy. And I think EXACTLY the thing to do would be to talk about what you're struggling with right now. I think it would be ok to tell him he makes you feel 'safe' and you don't understand why that is, but you'd like to figure that out because, what ever it is, you'd like more of it in your life. If you stay honest (both with him and yourself) about what you're dealing with, and you make sure that you let "no" be an acceptable answer, I don't see a problem. (But that's just me.)

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Apologies for posting in the wrong forum and then posting two subsequent reactions one after another :) I´m a bit rusty.

And Scout and others thank you for your support. I´m in a pretty dark place and my brain wants to believe that I´m doing all sorts of things wrong. Seriously brain, get real.

 

[Marie Miguel]

You just missed him and everything.He might not have any care for you or he's just pre-occupied that is why he cannot visist.

 

[Terryl]

I would cut ties and move on. He is taking up too much time in your head. I'm sorry.