Am I Being Paranoid?

[RewindLife]

Really need some outside perspective on whether I'm being paranoid or not.

I started therapy online a couple months ago. It's been going good but I've always been an extremely private person I haven't discussed my issues with anybody and since starting therapy I can't see to control what comes out. I'm literally telling him everything it's like I'm jumping from one problem to the next before we've addressed the first thing.

I have a weekly session but it isn't enough.

I don't understand how I've gone from never speaking about these things to needing to desperately talk to my therapist everyday. It is absolutely killing me to do it but I can't stop. As soon as I share something I feel sick like I shouldn't be trusting him and like I'm annoying him and being too needy. I keep telling him this and keep giving him an out like if he wants to ditch me I understand. In between sessions I am having to email him things but when we have the session we never get around to discussing my emails so I feel like I've told him so much but he hasn't even acknowledged it even though he says he's read them. It's all just too much happening at once and I can't get a minutes peace in my head.

I have a real issue trusting him. When we started out I accused him of only being interested in taking money and not really caring. I deleted the link between our accounts and he had to get it reconnected. We talked it over and things have been ok since but he told me he would never reconnect it again.

He's always very responsive to messages. He gets an alert when I send him a message and is often logged on reading it within an hour but he doesn't always reply if it's a long rant. Only replies if it's a question. So at the weekend I sent him 2 emails about problems I was having at the time on one of them I got really angry and started to tell him to just delete the link to my account (I spend all week telling myself to just delete it but I know I'll regret it...it's so hard) I told him it was his fault I couldn't cope any longer and he'd broken my way of coping and now i needed therapy too much there was a lot of swearing in it too :-(

Anyway our session was booked for last night but before it happened I saw him comment on something in his Facebook page about an people blaming them selves and how it's an annoying habit. He always tells me I blame myself so I went pretty crazy at him and said it's clear I annoy him and that I was done with him but before I could delete the link (I was finally brave/angry enough to) he logged in and started to reply. Said he didn't mean it that way but I can 'make it mean that if I want' he was very defensive and I was fuming I explained I felt like he was disregarding my feelings just because his intent was not bad.

We sorted it and ended up having a 2 hour session even though I had cancelled my slot. He admitted to me that he was frustrated and that he should have had firmer boundaries and not got drawn into the conversation at that time.

So I thought things were ok but today I messaged him to ask if I could book another session this week as I don't want to just book it as I feel like he wants a break from me. His schedule shows he should have been online all day but he hasn't been. He usually logs in to read my messages straight away even if he doesn't reply but he hasn't and I would expect a reply since I'm asking for a session asap.

I sent the message 9 hours ago so I'm fairly certain he's ignoring me. The only thing that's changed since we spoke last night is that maybe he's read my emails from the weekend and is annoyed with me. Is he changing his boundaries and not even acknowledging my messages now?

I am pretty much decided it's done I've told him over and over that I feel like I'm too needy and he tells me it's fine that it's part of the process but then he's ignoring me. I want to delete the link so bad but I'm scared I'll be so upset when I've calmed down. He's so easy going and has a sense of humour he makes it easy to talk to him I worry I won't find another I like this much but I explicitly told him how hard it is for me to need this so much and to feel like such a pest and now he's making me feel like I'm justified in that and he's been lying to me by saying it's ok. He isn't busy or that because his sessions are still available to book.

Am I being paranoid, are these his new boundaries or could he be avoiding me? Thank you so much for reading.

 

[Sideways]

I'm not an advocate of trying to guess what's going on in my T's head. All of the questions you've got about whether your T is annoyed, I'm wondering whether that energy might be better directed at looking at your own boundaries (rather than your T's).

It may be that your T can't always respond to you the day you message him. He does have other clients, and at some point, we have to stop harassing our T and treat the relationship (and their time) as though they're a working professional with a tonne of other responsibilities, yeah?

The real issue here seems to be your reactivity - jumping online to apologise, delete the link, apologise, delete, apologise, delete... That would get exhausting for both of you!

Do you think this is something you can get on top of yourself? If not, the immediacy of online communication may render online therapy unhelpful for you. It doesn't work for everyone.

 

[joeylittle]

The real issue here seems to be your reactivity - jumping online to apologise, delete the link, apologise, delete, apologise, delete... That would get exhausting for both of you!

This is spot on.

@RightTheWrongs - it's not uncommon to start spilling everything, if you've held it in for a long time. And it's also not uncommon for things in therapy to feel worse before they start to feel better. But you are getting too caught up in trying to read your therapists' mind, and you seem to be falling into a pattern where you lash out in order to receive validation.

If the procedure is to just book online - asking him if it's OK for you to schedule another session isn't needed. I know you said that you want to give him another 'out' - but I think it would be better for you to assume that he's an adult and can make his own decisions about his clients. All you need to do here is follow the protocols; book the appointment.

And in that appointment, start talking about developing some coping skills and structuring appointments so that you can at least spend part of every one dealing with those management tools, instead of your narrative.

Even if you only see him for a few more sessions, it would be great (I think) if you can take these steps. It'll help you reach some closure with this leg of your journey. And maybe it'll turn out to be successful, and you keep going with him for awhile.

 

[RewindLife]

I already have a weekly appointment booked for Monday so I was asking him if I could book one sooner too as he says you need time to process things and sometimes says I work fast so it's fine to do an extra session. I didn't want to just book it without checking. He's seen my messages but not replied and it's eating away at me so I've taken you advice and booked one sooner he hasn't accepted it yet though so hopefully just busy. I really need closure I think I'm being super paranoid and do need to work in my own barriers but it doesn't make it an easier to deal with and it's just adding the hell im already feeling. I'll discuss with him whether online just isn't a good fit for me. Thank you both so much for your replies.

 

[mrsmegan]

I am going to give you a bit of advice, and ask that you bear with me....

I don't think it is very healthy or good for you to have this level of communication with your T. I am only basing that on the information you have given - the back and forth, and you assuming his intentions, etc. It is causing more anxiety and stress than you really need.

I feel as though I can say this because I have been there. I used to have a lot more access to my T - but about 8 or 9 months ago, he put up stronger boundaries. It was REALLY hard at first, but our relationship actually improved. I wasn't reading into his non-responses, or obsessing about when I sent something and if he had seen it yet - as much as I did not want to admit it, the communication became an expectation from me and I would project a whole host of junk on him because of it.

This is just my perspective, so I hope I didn't offend you...

 

[RewindLife]

I am going to give you a bit of advice, and ask that you bear with me....

I don't think it is very he...

Wow your totally right and I'm not offended at all. I feel like you really get how I feel. it certainly is adding so much anxiety and complicating the whole process. All of these assumptions I'm making are making me really angry with him and I find myself blaming him for making me this needy which I know is totally uncalled for. I keep telling myself I need to cut back on the comms and it's so hard but hearing that it made things better for you makes me think I need to just be strong and it will make things better in the end. Thank you so much I'm so glad I'm not the only person that has/had this issue :-)

 

[Freedomfighter]

Seems you and your T may have to come to an agreement to only dicuss one topic at a time which is tough, I know. Gotta say, a T that talks about his work,maybe even his patients on Facebook, the most widely visited social networking site on earth? Does not sound right.

 

[RewindLife]

Seems you and your T may have to come to an agreement to only dicuss one topic at a time which i...

He has a public page for his counselling services where he shares quotes and articles. He shared a quote and there was a comment about it being an annoying habit when people make things mean bad things about themselves. As he highlights that habit to me all the time I felt like I was seeing his thoughts on how that behaviour irritates him and therefore I irritate him and he just pretends to be interested. He explained that he meant it annoys him when he does it to himself. He didn't discuss me or any specifics I just got carried away and took it the wrong way. I've definitely learnt from it though and will not be going anywhere near his Facebook page again! I need to stop trying to read his mind :)

 

[talon]

Really need some outside perspective on whether I'm being paranoid or not.

I started therapy o...

writing down is often easier than talking as trauma does not always allow. If you can write notes and print off or even print off your emails then requested a constructive way of going through the list. It works

 

[RewindLife]

writing down is often easier than talking as trauma does not always allow. If you can write notes...

That's great, thank you :-)