Relationship Am I Being Unreasonable?

[grimalkin]

Today in a heated discussion she graphicly described how my behaviour had made her feel 2weeks ago, how it had "pushed a button" she says her brain is telling her I am not that threat but the trigger is telling her I am....if that makes sence.

Sounds familiar. It sounds like your girlfriend hasn't come around to "I have triggers," vs. "You triggered me." I am at the tail end of a 7+ year relationship. The end started with triggering my husband without knowing, and then again when he tried explaining to me what I had done. The first trigger, I didn't even know he had PTSD because I didn't know anything about PTSD. The second was his misunderstanding me entirely, and thinking he heard me say something I didn't say.

He's now in the mode of I'm a danger because I triggered him, even if his intellect tells him otherwise.

He hasn't had therapy or help for his PTSD, and refuses to get any.

I think this is a trap a lot of supporters fall into... crazymaking. As in, just because your partner says knocking on the door makes you a heinous person, it doesn't mean that it really does make you a heinous person.

You aren't a terrible person just because your partner thinks you are. It's her illness. It's been a very difficult thing for me to accept, because it has ruined my relationship with my husband. But it's important to realize.

You didn't trigger her. She was triggered. It could have been anything else said at the "wrong" time or in the "wrong" way; and by wrong, I mean how her brain interpreted it, not that it was actually wrong.

 

[Bigblue]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. My partner and I can't even successfully manage a relationship, I don't know what it would be like to live in the same house.

Understanding mental illness is hard. Actually I think anxiety type illnesses are still not understood well.

I don't have PTSD but I have anxiety and panic attacks. So I can relate a bit, but in a different way.

For example... i love concerts. I go to them, I want to go to them. But then something normal happens, normal to others but it says "run you will die" and I panic. And I want to get out of there. While this is happening I know I won't die, that I am panicking, that I have a disorder. But whatever I do, the urge won't stop until I leave and go back to my house. Then I go back to "i really have to go to this concert" etc etc.

The main thing is, I am not sure if PTSD sufferers are aware of this split thoughts. While they are isolating do they know they have a disorder and need to isolate from a trigger (in this case it is you or the relationship). Or do they blame the trigger.

It is like me saying "the concert did this to me". But hey there were 30,000 people there who didn't get triggered, but I did.

So in your case, knocking on a door and telling a loved one the food is ready is actually a very loving action. First know this. You are a "red hot chili peppers concert" :)) there are so many people out there who would love to have that.

But to your partner you are a trigger.

The answer is hard. I also have a very hard time. I do understand my partner but I don't know what to do to avoid being a trigger. I think it is impossible.

Relationships are hard even for patient people, it must be very hard for a sufferer. Tell her you love her and you will respect her space. She needs to let you know when she wants to come to the concert again and try...

 

[jill smith]

I normally wouldn't post something like this in the supporters section, but there is a question that I t...

Thank you for your reply, I take what you are saying on board. I do indeed think alcohol does not agree with me at the moment so I have abstained for the moment. Historically I am a fun person to be around when joining in with drinks but I recognize that my circumstances at home are making me feel unhappy at times so alcohol is acting as a bit of a depressant at least I think so. I certainly dont have a problem with alcohol but at the moment its not my friend and I just have to prioritize while things are difficult.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. My partner and I can't even successfully manage a relationshi...

Thank you for your reply.
I appreciate your words and encouragement. Its so difficult at times. I feel like my life is not my life at times. Not happy and bubbly any more. My partner has started therapy and after attending a group sessions for 10weeks is still waiting for her one to one sessiins to start. Its been 3months and still waiting. I know she is putting herself through this to get better as thats what she has told me but I suppose in my mind I think will she ever. Her traumas are deep routed from childhood abuse on a severe scale which also led to very poor choices in adult hood which led to more terrible trauma several years ago.
I only know a little and that is enough to know she is lucky to be alive.

 

[jill smith]

I have previously posted on here as why of diarying my emotions as life is difficult just now. The replies have been helpful its good to hear from people with insite both suffering and supporting. Unfortunately things have deteriorated due to further situations spiralling to the point we are now. I could see my partner deteriorating in front of me. She had started to go back to work after her long spell off but really had been told she has to go back. We fought a month ago which was one of the situations I wrote about on here...I didnt include in that time that my partner was also extremely stressed and anxious about attending a family occasion which would bring her into contact with one of her abusers who she has managed not to see for over a year now. Because we fought it didnt happen...since then I have lived with the often irrational fear she is going to.end our relationship if I make an other mistake. I was increasingly anxious and reeacting emotionally to situations sometimes without realising. Then we had to leave our home with only a weeks notice due to water damage to the property. It is all under insurance and I managed to negotiate us a decent place that accomodates the space we need for her to have her time alone and takes her cats, she has had them 14,yrs and loves them dearly,wasnt east getting rented accommodation short notice thats pet friendly. It was an extremely stressful week..she also smokes and the flat I secured is no smoking so I knew that would be difficult for her. Then the day we move a small comment about the smoking situation spialled and we fought, to me it again seemed her responce was disproportionately more dramatic than the situation and I responded emotionally and was upset,she told me she wasnt happy with how things had gone since we argued a month ago but didnt want to talk about it till we had moved,I initially agreed then got upset and wanted reassurance she wasnt going to end things....the final escalation...she list it saying I couldnt keep my word and just wait so she left I told her if she left dont come back because we have to leave today all said in an emotionally charged upsetting situation. That was a week ago. Next day we moved what we needed and she told me she was going to her friends for a week to give us space. She said I had agsin broken her trust and made her leave her home. I hold my hands up and say I did react emotionally through all the situations I have described she now says I have broken her. I am devastated, she says she cannot come back to living together. She doesn't want to break up but says living under the same roof is to much for her now. In many ways I can see the positives for living separately right now,as she said it removes the pressure both sides. I know I have contributed massivly to this current situation breakdown. She says its my reactions that have brought us to this. I do love her dearly and I thinkthe shock of her now saying she won't come back even though she is essentially making herself homeless drums it home to me how ill she is. She has spotted her return to work and didnt see the person she was anxious about as didn't go to family event. I feel like a total failure in supporting her. She is still waiting for her one to.one therapy to start and I have been told the support group I attended is not open to me anymore until she is in active therapy. She have tried in a none emotional way to reasure her if she stays in the rented accommodation I secured for the moment I will give her space so she is at least somewhere safe instead of sofa surfing and she has stayed a few nights at our old flat that is currently like a builders yard and storage place with floors up and barely room to manouver. Her security is priority to me I feel I have put her in a worse place by my reactions. Since then I have been calm and reflective, I didnt deal with some things well at all but I am still very much in the learning of how ptsd impacts our life. She has stayed here for 2nights and things have been calm. She wants to build things slowly but is clear she is not moving back in. I am gutted but have to go with it. I cant get emotional not in front of her anyway. I have told family and close friends. My biggest fear now is loosing her for good. If I am so damaging to be around for her I dont understand how she can still say she wabts to be in a relationship with me. I know I am not a monster or controlling and I dont abuse her emotionally but she has said all of these things to me. Its confusing and totally devastating. The couple of friends I have confided in have told me not to be to hard on myself. One even suggested that it was my partners behaviour that was being suggestive at times of emotional abuse even if its not with intent. Feels like one big spiralling mess.

Sorry for the many gramatic errors in my post.