Am I Dissociating?

[Becca2904]

Hi guys,

I was on this forum about after a trauma that happened last march. I had EMDR which really didn't work for me then did some talking/ art stuff which helped but made it easy for me to avoid the subject. 10 months ago I moved to a different part of the country and stopped therapy. I think I basically went into denial. I hardly ever conciously think about the things that used to plaque me. Then weird stuff started happening.

I always fall asleep but I often wake up feeling like I've had an exhausting/busy/ traumatic night. Sometimes I'm crying when I wake up. I've also started sleep screaming and walking. I can't remember the nightmares, I just know they must have been awful.

Being a little OCD about lists I have a constant rolling to do list that I look at every day. One day I saw that I had written "find something I don't hate about life". I can't remember writing it but deep down I know I did (and it's my hand writing!).

I went to the doctor and they said as I was sleeping and didn't feel depressed there was nothing they could do. They referred me for counselling but they want me to do EMDR. I would rather eat my own face than go through that again.

The other thing is that I can't cry because I'm worried that if I do I will never stop. Although I'm not sure that's to do with dissociating. I'm worried that if something really bad happens and I have to cry that everything will be released and I'll break down. I have too much to lose at the moment to have a break down.

Most of the stuff I've read about dissociation in here is about zoning out but I can vaguely remember a questionnaire I did before starting EMDR which said about writing stuff and not remembering it - so is this a form of dissociation?

Thanks x

 

[HealingHeart]

It is very common to have nightmares after a trauma - your brain sort of gets stuck on pause trying to process everything. People who keep dream journals who aren't living with PTSD often write stuff down and don't remember it.. My little sister used to sleep walk and would come downstairs and tell us funny stories about animals that could fly and then go to bed and not remember any of it.. we had to film her to prove it.. She wasn't crazy or traumatized (she was six or so) just sleep walking. Some people sleep eat! but yours is different

So it sucks on so many levels but at least you are not going crazy (nor impliying you are sleep walking)- you just thankfully don't remember the nightmares.. It is part of the "intrusive" aspect of PTSD vs the avoidance symptoms and is your brain's attempt to both learn from what happened so it can avoid it in the future and try to process it. Sort of like having your foot on the gas and the brake at the same time.. Totally normal and treatable.

Yeah EMDR is quirky (especialy how it was started) but it works for some people by letting you both experience the trauma and be in a safe setting but it can also be re traumatizing for some and there are other methods that work just as well. Dissociation usually happens while you are awake but on some level all dreams (traumatic or not) are a form of dissociation since you are sort of out of your body during them. Just tell them you want trauma treatment but not exposure based

 

[Justmehere]

None of us can diagnose over the internet, but could very likely be dissociation. It could be other things, and best evaluated by a good trauma therapist and psychiatrist. There are a few medications that can help the underlying anxiety behind much of what you describe and there is medication that can help dissociation.

EMDR really backfired for me. There are other forms of trauma therapy that may be a lot better fit. It can sometimes take a few tries to find the right therapy.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Zoning out is a lower level of dissociation. Pretty much everyone experiences this level of dissociation at one point or another as it is within the realm of "normal dissociation". If you are doing things and not remembering them later, that is a higher level of dissociation. I remember those questionnaires asking things like "have you ever found things in your home you don't remember buying?" and such. If you're making lists and not remembering the list later, then it could be a form of dissociation. I would bring it up with a therapist.

 

[Chava]

I don't know about the writing things down. I have memory of recent things I've been doing, but I dissociate in other ways sometimes (more like lose connection to present space and time, or feel very depersonalized). But like others said, it would be something you could talk over with a therapist. It could me some kind of dissociative amnesia, or if your OCD has you doing stuff on auto-pilot (I do lots of little things through the day I'm sure I don't remember because they are such habit). Also bring up the sleep and nightmare stuff. I take sleeping meds, but I've had a couple 3am panic attacks and plenty of horrible nightmares that left me shook up.

If EMDR scares you, I agree that you can look for other options. But maybe it will be a different experience this time, or with a different therapist. ?? Are you willing to tell the therapist how scared you are going into it? That might help keep the pace manageable. ?? My therapist uses mainly body-movement stuff like Somatic Experiencing for trauma. I find this helpful for things like crying, too (I had the same fear...I NEVER cry...and if I would, I would physically fall apart...like my body wouldn't even be able to sustain it). But any gentle approach to trauma will help you with regulation and safety stuff....so I find I cry naturally in safe little bits. I don't do sad well, but it's like my body is learning what it can handle and when it is safe to cry a little.