Am I Going Crazy?

[swallowedupwhole]

To give a better understanding of where I come from, I was raised by 2 alcoholic parents. My dad was a "functional alcoholic" where as my mother destroyed my life with her addiction.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety since at least of the age of 10 and seizures since I was 2. Throughout my teenage years I "coped" by using drugs drinking ect.

My father passed away when I was 19 but had been sick for years.

I sobered up and took on the role as caregiver to my little brother, mother and father when I should have been having fun, going to school, being a teen! Since then I've had a brain tumor removed, car accident in which I broke my neck . Both the injury and tumor set me back financially, physically and emotionally but I was still for some reason taking care of my mother.

My tumor and edema have since returned in the frontal lobe, that fine area of the brain that controls personality, impulse, thought process ect. I have been stressed out for so long that my body seems to be failing never mind my brain. I realize my symptoms can be caused by the brain issues but in my everyday life I've become very anti social, unable to deal with work, family and cope with life, heart palpitations, chills, hot flashes, shaking, crying body aches, cant sleep, cant eat, I've walked out of 3 jobs in the last year because I mentally, emotionally or physically handle it.

My present life holds the obvious financial responsibilities but I live with an alcoholic for a boyfriend who thinks when I can't work im lazy. According to him I should just think different, go to work regardless of how crappy the hours are, pay, description etc. All the while looking good (constantly picks at me about my weight, I weigh 135lbs and am 5'7), being happy and sociable with HIS friends (his social anxiety only happens when I want him to attend something concerning my friends or family).

If you seen me I appear put together, happy, etc but as soon as I'm home im crying, wanting to stay in bed all day and now that I've walked out of my last job I can do just that.

Of course all the above symptoms creates more of a fight with the bf, and I have no support system myself, so its being kept inside.

I'm trying to get my Dr to take me seriously as I cant live like this anymore. I cant hold it together enough to function. I'm only 29 and theres a long road ahead :(

<Edited for basic grammar and paragraph breaks inserted for readability>

 

[Meadowsweet]

No you're not going crazy. But, I think many people (like myself) have to reach that point where you look at life and know you can't keep going the way you are.

I find it difficult to explain anything to doctors. But I can't imagine why a doctor wouldn't take you seriously if you show them what you have written here. And if they don't take you seriously, find another doctor.

Whatever the problem is, it is effecting your life and needs to be addressed.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I'm trying to get my Dr to take me seriously as I cant live like this anymore. I cant hold it together enough to function. I'm only 29 and theres a long road ahead :(

You sure have alot going on at one time. Can you take it a issue at a Time? You are on the rigtht road. Keep on speaking, find another doctor if this one does'nt listen to you. I know that is asking alot of you right now. It sounds like you are hitting bottom, and you can only go up from the bottom. Please know that you are not alone, and eventually as you face and deal you will have better days ahead.

 

[Lacey101]

@ swallowedup--- I have to say I'VE BEEN THERE DONE THAT! I dropped out of my internship after dealing with a control freak professor, control freak in-laws, a druken older brother telling me im never there for him, friends ditching me for life because of petty disagreements, a mentally ill mother who needed my help-- whim i used to care for grade school and up. (A child caring for their mother??) No wonder I was raped by a neighbor boy and molested by my drunken father.

We cannot control the cards we are dealt. Very few people nderstand where we've been and accuse us of playing the victim card or tryign to get attention. They avoid us at church and in our family like a lepper. They accuse us of being just as jacked up as our family.

But eventually we CAN pull it together. if we find at least 1 person to talk to and vent to. find a better therapist and see them more often. And have a friend you can vent to. Then read lots of positive Affirmations andlearn them by heart. What doesnt kill us really does make us stronger and wiser. You learn who not to share personal issues with. they dont deserve us- or whats in our heart!!!! You learn who you can really caLL LOVED ONES. you learn that your survival is what really comes first. you earn only you really know you and can judge you and can have grace on you and know your own intentions. No one else. You must love yourself. That is the 1st step to freedom.

There have been times my husband, and my very best friend at that, whom treats me with love and sweetness, did not believe me about something his sister did to me that was very hurtful. But I made a decision- i will know what I know even if my most precious loved ones feel I'm lying or mispercieving things. You can do it sweetie... and keep in touch!