Am I Harming My Kids?

[leightymae]

I hope I am posting this in the right place. I have just recently been diagnosed, but I have been suffering for a while now. Probably longer than I really want to admit to myself, even.

Thankfully, I have a very understanding and supportive husband. He's truly my rock and I know that being with me hasn't been the easiest thing for him, but he has never once insinuated that he wants out. He's willing to see me through this til the end.

My major concerns come in with our children. We have a 7y/o boy and an 18-month-old girl. I am so worried (consumed, really) that my mental state is harming them in some way. That seeing me cry, break-down, get angry or have a panic attack will cause them mental harm. It eats at me.

I am fortunate that my in-laws live down the street, and if I start having a bad panic attack, they will come get the children. But there are times where the kids have to be here and I can no more stop a panic attack than I can stop the world from turning.

Does anyone here have any advice on this?
Have any of you had PTSD parents and can share what your childhood was like?
Should I leave them to their father and go get help away from home?

I feel so lost in this and I'm so, so scared that I'm screwing my kids up. They deserve to grow up with a healthy mom, and I hate myself that I can't be that for them. What would (or have) you do(ne)?

 

[anni]

Hi,

It's a good forum to belong to if one has PTSD. Since shame can be really debilitating your situation is tough. You'd feel awful to think the children were affected, which would of course not help a bit in setting off this dam thing.

It's hard to tell from your post, but are you in therapy? Sometimes just knowing you'll have a certain time and place to be able to BE 'that way' can help one hold off those attacks until it's 'safe' to do so. I'm not a big proponant of meds, but if you have PTSD there's probably a plain old chemical imbalance going on as well. A certain med can just make your brain go back to producing the amount of seratonin it did pre-trauma, and will probably flatten some of that awful panic you have if that's the cause. Meds aren't always a bad thing. Properly prescribed and used they're just a tool to get your life back, or start to.

There's a study somewhere I wish I could remember by who, about how a really HUGE componant of healing can have to do with a supportive spouse. It's lovely that you have that. I do also, and it has proven a big, fat blessing.

I'd have to guess you try to hide your emotions from the children as much as possible. Certainly they need to see a strong mother, it sounds like you're trying to show them one. It sounds like they sure know they have a very caring set of parents who show they care about each other, also. That makes them feel secure. If you can hold it together in front of them long enough to organize some healing, it seems to me that would benefit everyone. Maybe your in-laws could help until then. You going away seems extreme unless you do genuinely feel the children are in harm's way. Guilt and shame tend to color the world for a PTSD 'sufferer'. Seeing a professional would also help you seperate what's your perception of things and what is genuinely the case, if you know what I mean?

There's a lot of information here on the home page. It's really helpful sometimes to just read facts and know what's UP with this intrusive thing. Do take care, and have fun with those lovely children. What great ages to have in the house! Exhausting but fun!

Anni

 

[a3a2]

The sooner you get help, the sooner you will be able to help your children cope with their struggles, and the sooner you will be able to enjoy your children.

I have four kids. I regret what I put my first two through before getting help. Despite that, they are great kids. Resiliant, sensative, cautious and loving (now teen and preteen). I have gently touched on my PTSD, and some of the things I put them through. I have been honest that I regret many things from their early childhood. They have been more than forgiving.

After going to therapy, I enjoy parenting A LOT more. I enjoy life A LOT more.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My Mom likely suffered from PTSD and didn't know it.

There is a concept called 'emotional literacy' that is really helpful in giving us practical strategies as Parents, PTSD or no.

Seems like commonsense stuff, but far too many 'Normal' families just don't have it, and hence, cannot practice it with themselves, nor teach it to their children.

Children know when something is wrong. Denying it just undermines their own capacity to understand and trust their instincts. It's ok for them to be told, at a developmentally appropriate level, that we struggle with particular feelings, that the children did not do anything to cause it, and then we can work on helping our children feel empowered to deal with their feelings during those times.

I've been trying to handle this same worry in myself.

I have episodes of panic, or disassociation, or other symptoms where I am just not 'there' for them fully. When I am back to a place where I can verbalize, I tell them 'Mommy was feeling ____ ' and it wasn't anything you did. I'm working on those feelings. How did you feel when that happened?

Our family action plan has been to teach the kids how to get themselves a snack if they need one; they have been taught how to call my hubby or ask the neighbors for help if need be; that they are always allowed to retreat to their rooms or the art room if they need quiet time; and they are always allowed to tell my hubby or me anything that bothered them during it once I'm calmed down.

I can't help the symptoms that affected them when I didn't know what was happening, though I have tremendous guilt and shame about those. But I can work on practical strategies for minimizing impact on them in the future, and maximize the 'good feelings' as much as possible through giving them reading time, cuddle time, listening time.

Thanks for the topic - this is a daily worry for me.

 

[Jline]

My mother has had PTSD since she was a little girl, not that she new she had it. She was molested during childhood, has sex at 11 yrs old and was married off at 16...(was forced to marry) She had a baby at 17 and then at 18. The man was abusive and eventually kidnapped her 2 children, burned all the pictures of my mom and the kids, then told the kids my mom was dead. The mans mother finally told them when they were teenagers that their mom was alive and they showed up on our doorstep when I was 9. Things did not go well as both of these teenagers had PTSD. I have seen the best and the worst of my mother, many nervous breakdowns, over protecting my little sister and I then pushing us away, eating disorder, drug and alcohol abuse, other abusive relationships (she was almost killed by this one guy) she just had another nervous breakdown last thanksgiving, we spent it in the emergency room.

My mother was never diagnosed with PTSD as it always seemed to be linked to people that went to war, I believe she just thought she was going crazy. Now she knows she has it and has a foundation to work from, so important!

You know you have it and at least you can move forward in healing. My mom couldn't tell me what was wrong with her when I was little but you do have that privilege. No matter what was happening with her disorder I knew she loved us. When I think back I wish she had of been able to say to me I HAVE PTSD and explained what was happening, I wouldn't have been so frightened for her all the time. Thank goodness for progress....your children can be part of your healing.

 

[Iam]

KUDOS to you Leightymae.....You are such a loving mom, that is evident from your posts. You understand you have a problem and are addressing it. Your children are soooo lucky!

All I can really do is reiterate the above statemennts as they contain truth. My parents were never diagnosed with PTSD yet I have no doubt my mother suffers from it and quite possibily my father (he at minimum has MDD). The violence and abuse I grew up with were horrendous and there was that god awful, unofficial "can't talk about it" rule in place. It was awful.

The strategies Blooms has put in place sound fantastic. I know that my parents knew and could tell me what was wrong I would have been better off. And just as important, if my feelings and thoughts had been allowed to be expressed and validated I might have been ok, certainly better far better off than what happened.

I am 51 and have only recently accepted that I have PTSD, though I was told 9 years ago. My goal was to raise my children in a loving home without all of the dysfunction and pain that I grew up with. Which I did an ok job at. Unfortunately I didn't get help until 9 yrs ago when I had a breakdown. Because of that there was periodic servere instability on my part and my family had to live with it. Did it do damage to the kids? I'd have to say yes, but and this is a big BUT...our 3 boys are now grown and are responsible, sensitive, honest and hardworking men. They always knew how much I loved them, I was always involved in their school, extra curricular activities and friends. They are extremely close to eachother and us. What a blessing!

They now know that I have PTSD, they know a little of the specifics (not much) . We ahve discussed the things I did that caused them damage and they have forgiven me. They are very proud of me and along with their father are a huge support in this healing journey I am taking.

I wish I had gotten help earlier, I knew I needed it, just didn't know how to get it. You are in a good position as you know you have PTSD and are working at managing it. I hope you are in therapy, if not, my suggestion is find a therapist who specializes in PTSD and get yourself in there.

Way to go, you are on the right track!

 

[seedling]

I'm not sure that being away from them would be any better for them than seeing your illness. If you are able to talk to them about it and are working on coping with your symptoms, have some back up etc.. I'm not sure how different it is from having a parent that has a purely physical illness that needs daily care.

The main thing is, is that you are their mother and no one else can fill that spot. We are all imperfect in our parenting, illness or not, even when we mean to be the best we can be. And this means exposing them to the gamut of emotions.

You love them, and you care as no one else can. Just seeing emotion isn't what causes harm (IMHO), it's seeing how people deal with it that sets the tone. Seeing you deal with your emotions and get help will teach them healthy ways to cope with what life brings. Hiding these things from children can be damaging too.

We all make mistakes, it isn't that hard to tell your kids "I'm sorry" and move on, try to do better next time when you make a mistake.

 

[bluecat]

Hi Leightymae,

Your kids are in the age when they really need their mom. They don't need a perfect mom, they need one who thinks they are perfect and loves them. The only time I'd say it's better for you to take time away is if you felt an uncontrollable urge to hit them, make them sick or kill them. It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you love your kids and care about their well-being and needs.

My mom has PTSD. She has been very badly abused by my father (and so was I and my sisters). She didn't have the strenght to leave him, but the abuse was so much for her, she became very traumatized. She drank for a couple years of my early childhood and then stopped. After that her only way to cope was to dissociate. It was really hard for me as a kid when her mind wasn't there. It was also really hard to see her depressed and crying. BUT, I never ever wished that she would leave me. She was kind to me. Her hands were gentle, she never yelled at me or hit me, she gave me what she could, even if it wasn't much.

One day, when I was maybe eight, she asked if we're going to be OK if she goes away. I thought she's talking about leaving for a couple hours, you know, go to the store or something. I was excited, because I thought I'd get to stay at home alone, like a big girl. Then I realized she meant for ever, like if she leaves for ever, will my sisters and I be OK? WTF, of course we wouldn't be OK. It hurt to think that she'd consider leaving us. I understand how desperate she was, but it still hurt. In the end she didn't leave and I am grateful that she didn't. She didn't have it together enough to protect herself and my sisters and me, but she didn't give up on us and that was very important to me.

My father also had PTSD. But besides that he's very twisted and has no respect for anyone else's boundaries. He believes that he has the right to beat, intimidate and control anyone who is weaker than him. It would had been better if he wasn't in my life. He was dangerous, violent and abusive mentally, physically and sexually. He would never ever in his life worry how his actions are affecting me or anyone else. He would never worry that his kids might suffer because of his issues. He thought his kids were his property, existing solely to cater to his needs. Thats not what you are doing. From what I read in your post, you care about how your actions affect your children and you care for their well-being even more than your own.

Kids need their parents, even if the parents are not well. My friend has Huntington Disease. Part of her brain is dying and she's slowly loosing all her body functions and mental faculties. I took care of her kids when they were little. It was very hard for them to watch their mom's illness, which is progressive and fatal. She loves them very much, but because of her illness, she was often unable to even understand what they need let alone provide it. But the solution wasn't to go away or commit suicide, it was to get more support and more people involved in helping the family.

I know you're scared that you will mess your kids up. Even healthy moms worry like crazy if they are doing a good enough job with their children. My younger sister has two kids and we've spent hours on the phone talking about her fears of how she is going to destroy her kids lives, because of her past traumas. She's a great mom, even if she sufferers from anxiety and depression and flashbacks. Her girls are happy and well adjusted and healthy. They don't have a trouble-free life, but they are not abused and they are loved.

Don't beat yourself for not being perfect so much. You care, you're a good person, you've built a supportive network for you and your kids. Thats a lot that you're giving them. If you feel exhausted and need a break, take one. But don't think you need to remove yourself to make your children happy, thats anxiety speaking, not reason.


Best wishes,
Bluecat

 

[seedling]

Your husband's support and love of you will reassure your children that mommy may act a certain way but it's OK. They will take a lot of their cues from him and see his support of you.