Am I "normal"???

[tigrou465]

Today was a bad day. Now I'm wondering if I'm normal.

Let me explain. I have a friend who had been hospitalize during winter time cause her depression was very severe. She look good after few weeks in the hospital. She does have a problem with alcohol.

It was agreed that today I would go to her place and help her out to install her curtins. So before leaving my place I called her to say I was on my way - this was agreed last night when we spoke, I live about 45 minutes from her place. It took me an hour to get there cause of the traffic.

When I arrived at her place, I called her back to say I was there but wanted to take a walk with my dog. After the walk, I buzz at her appartment number, no answer on the first attempt. Then I buzz again, I was getting worried - no answer to my phone calls and no answer at the door. After a few second I heard her voice. I had to buzz again so she could open the door.

When I got to her appartment, I did knock at the door - again no answer the first time. The second time she did say she was coming to the door. Finally I was seeing her but she did look drunk. Her appartment is a total mess, empty cans of cat food on the kitchen floor and counter, papers all over the floor and since she has to have a surgery for a bladder but meanwhile she has to were a diaper at night, well a used diaper was also on the living room's floor.

A terrible odor in the appartment. I could not stay, I was like in shock. I know how can someone may feel with depression, I'm not jugging her but I can't stay with her. I felt so sad to see her in that state and in her environment.

Am I normal to say that I can't help her? I did asked her if she was drunk, if she had drank; she answer me by telling me: not this morning. I did say few weeks ago that I was worried for her and that I tough she was very depress. With today I know she is realy sick but I also think that she won't admit it.

What do I do? I have to say that for about 1 or 2 months I'm feeling good, the depression seem to have "left" me. Thanks!

 

[BloomInWinter]

Tigrou, one of the best suggestions I got was to stop asking myself if I or my reactions are 'normal' and instead use the word 'healthy'.

Yes, it sounds like your reaction was very healthy boundry-setting. She will have to find her own way. You deserve to keep yourself safe from drowning in other people's sorrows.

Good for you!

 

[maddog]

I agree with Bloomin here. While it's great to help out other people and in fact is often very healthy for us to do so, your needs and welfare must always come first, and if they are being jeopardised in any way by your contact with this person, then it's appropriate for you to step away and enforce necessary boundaries.

Ultimately we are all responsible for our own behaviour and our own recovery. Perhaps you could talk with her over the phone and discuss some options for her to seek further help? Perhaps some assistance with daily tasks and self care? Perhaps check with her as to the status of her own therapy/support, meds etc?

If being in her physical presence is too much for you, as it may very understandably be, then perhaps a different mode of communication/support would work better.

Really glad to hear you're doing a bit better lately. Make sure to take care of you first - you can't help others if you aren't doing ok yourself.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow your friend needs alot of help. I do not know where you live, I live in the us and if you call the police for a home health check they send the police out to make sure that the person is ok. If the person is not ok, then they take the person to the appropriate place.

You did good by getting out of there. she is falling apart. I am sorry this is happening. Good for you in setting some limits and boundries. Mabe she is hitting bottom. She sure does need alot of help. My heart goes out to both of you. I agree with everyone else.

Make sure you are ok first. You really need to take care of yourself first. If you are not ok, then nothing will be ok. Food for thought. Good luck with your friend.

 

[tigrou465]

Thank you for both reply - I feel better with my decision. As far has helping her on a daily is out of the question. I do have the energy to do so. I believe that she has to make the first step in her recovery - seeking help for her and admit her problem with alcohol. This factor has to be work on - I do believe it's a daily chalenge and she can not decide one day that she can drink. She has to stay away from alcohol.. It's tough for me to step away but my health is my first concern. Thanks again.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Tig))), it is a tough situation to be in. But, remember, you first, your health and well being first.

 

[Loner]

You can only for people willing to help themselves, you can't help them if they won't help themselves. I would love to have someone who cared about me as much as you care about her, its a noble and beautiful sentiment that you want to help her but you might just need to let go.

 

[OKRADLAK]

That is so sad.

I have been on both sides of that picture.

You are OK to realize you cannot help. I have had to do that to people, too, knowing how much it hurts.

HOWEVER!! It is so much better that she knows that before you get entrenched.

When I was first getting the PTSD, I could not shower or eat or anything. I looked homeless and my home was a disaster. A friend was going to "help me" and jwhen he came over, he just stared at the house. He said, "It's not you.....this is NOT you!" Well, that hurt because it WAS me! So he ust kept trying to cure me, then blamed me, etc...... Well, when he left, it was harder than if he had never started.

I told him, "This is WAY beyond you" and he did not listen and guess who got hurt?

So you are really saving your friend a lot of pain. She will know that you care, but you cannot help and that is OK!