Am I Required to love myself for a relationship?

[Avery_penguin]

Hi there,

I’m struggling at the moment. I’m sort of in a bind and I’m not sure how to move forward. I have CPTSD from my childhood experiences and it’s a lot to handle. I’m in relationships now with other people who grew up in traumatic environments and since we started hanging out our relationship has gone south. We both seem to have this deep hatred- of ourselves, each other and the world. I think they are always judging me and in competition with me, while also being like a surrogate family. It’s all kinds of confusing. But anyway,

I feel like all other people want me to do is “love myself” and “be kinder” and to “be calmer”. And all I want to do is the opposite. Not because I can’t and won’t do those things, I would do them naturally on my own. But in this relationship it feels absolutely impossible to love myself. They’re always judging me and making me feel like I don’t matter. And there’s so many expectations. It just feels like, whatever they need from me is about them and not me. It feels like they just need me to operate in a certain way day to day so that I don’t f*ck up their shit. Because other people have less of a tolerance for my trauma and needs. And I don’t want to just get rid of myself to make them feel better about themselves, so that they can say to themselves “wow, I really did that person a solid.” I don’t know if this is even what I want to be. I feel like I basically have to make up for all the love they should be giving me but aren’t. Everything is so bad and chaotic now, it’s like, every day is completely spinning out of control, I never get my needs met, we hang out and I just feel worse. I don’t know what to do right now. I’m at rock bottom and I’m starting to think my ability to love has been compromised.

Thanks for listening. Any advice appreciated.

 

[OliveJewel]

Hey I understand that feeling, or set of feelings. My answer to your question is sort of yes and sort of no.

Sort of no because everyone has a human right to love and support. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved by another person.

Sort of yea for a couple reasons. One, when you love yourself you are opening yourself up to vulnerability and that is how people connect and love each other, I think. Also, if you love yourself you are reducing the probability that you will end up in a codependent relationship, which can hurt a lot to be in.

 

[Friday]

Am I understanding correctly that THEY are telling you that you need to love yourself, and (or?) ABC/XYZ in order to stay in the relationship? And that their list isn’t something you want to do?

 

[Avery_penguin]

Am I understanding correctly that THEY are telling you that you need to love yourself, and (or?) ABC/XYZ in order to stay in the relationship? And that their list isn’t something you want to do?

Yeah, I think that is what’s happening. Tbh I feel like it’s coming from a narcissistic place. Like, I need to feel loved by you so you better fill yourself with love. Like, it feels a bit violating? It’s not like I owe them love… but to be fair it’s also like, I always feel extremely guilty for not being more compassionate. Just hard when I feel like I’m the only one who really actually cares -\_(•_•)/-

Hey I understand that feeling, or set of feelings. My answer to your question is sort of yes and sort of no.

Sort of no because everyone has a human right to love and support. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved by another person.

Sort of yea for a couple reasons. One, when you love yourself you are opening yourself up to vulnerability and that is how people connect and love each other, I think. Also, if you love yourself you are reducing the probability that you will end up in a codependent relationship, which can hurt a lot to be in.

I see what you’re saying. I think one of my struggles is that I want to be vulnerable but I realize the reality of love and other people and that sometimes they do things that are not in your best interest…

 

[OliveJewel]

Now that I understand that someone is telling you you need to do this? I would not give that relationship any more of my attention if I were you. That’s manipulative.

 

[Avery_penguin]

Now that I understand that someone is telling you you need to do this? I would not give that relationship any more of my attention if I were you. That’s manipulative.

Thanks, I agree!

 

[caroline_13]

Thanks, I agree!

YES. You're on the right track!

 

[Friday]

Yeah, I think that is what’s happening.

Okay.

So on the surface? Both are totally fair places to be in.

Anyone can have XYZ requirements of their friends/lovers.
Anyone can refuse, or agree, or negotiate with those requirements.

It doesn’t really matter what those requirements ARE. A billion in the bank, only being referred to with a specific title or pronoun, never wearing the color yellow, belonging to a specific policitical party, being for/against rape, belonging to a certain religion, being vegetarian, having certain personality traits, following a specific code of behavior …

…anyone can demand anything, of anyone, IF they wish to become friends or remain friends.

Whether or not other people find those standards reasonable? Is up to each individual.

If you don’t find their requirements reasonable? That’s totally fair. It does leave you with a few choices

- Respect their boundaries and leave.
- Attempt to negotiate, to see if there is wiggle room, where you both can be happy.
- Challenge/Cross their boundaries, and see what they do about it. (Kick you out, fight it out / angry negotiation, tolerate for awhile at least, move their boundaries rather than defending them).

Tbh I feel like it’s coming from a narcissistic place

So? What does it matter what their motivations are? What drives a person to set boundaries/standards in their life & relationships doesn’t make the boundary more/less valid. Each of us has the exact same eight to decide what we love, like, DGAF, dislike, & won’t tolerate.

They’ve brought it to your attention that you’ve crossed a soft-limit, and are heading towards a hard limit. That unless things change? They cannot be in a relationship with you.

That doesn’t make either of you right or wrong. It’s simply what they have decided about how they want to live their life. The same way you have every right to decide how you want to live your life.

If what they want isn’t how you want to live your life? Don’t do it.

 

[Avery_penguin]

I guess you have a point…like, it’s true. People are allowed to say what works for them and what doesn’t. I guess I just feel personally that it’s shitty to ask or expect somebody to love themselves in a way that works for you. I feel like self love is personal and not really something I want to negotiate in a relationship. But idk, just my opinion. I also just wish that they’d put forth an attitude that more loving towards me and that might help me love myself more, rather than being authoritative about it. But I suppose you do have a point, like people have their limits in relationships and I don’t have control over that. I’m pretty empathic for others and usually put their needs first, so sometimes I don’t really understand why others aren’t the same.

 

[Friday]

I’m pretty empathic for others and usually put their needs first, so sometimes I don’t really understand why others aren’t the same.

That’s why I often take a step back.

Someone is asking something of me that I don’t want to do.

Instead of doing a deep dive into them, their motivations, their desires, their A-Z? Where do I stand? What’s my opinion? How far am I willing to go? What are my options/choices?

To take it a step farther, and continue breaking things down to stay on “my” side of the street?

in this relationship it feels absolutely impossible to love myself.

I never get my needs met, we hang out and I just feel worse.

You.

I feel like all other people want me to do is “love myself” and “be kinder” and to “be calmer”. And all I want to do is the opposite.

They’re always judging me and making me feel like I don’t matter.

there’s so many expectations, It just feels like, whatever they need from me is about them and not me.

It feels like they just need me to operate in a certain way day to day so that I don’t f*ck up their shit. Because other people have less of a tolerance for my trauma and needs. And I don’t want to just get rid of myself to make them feel better about themselves, so that they can say to themselves “wow, I really did that person a solid.” I don’t know if this is even what I want to be. I feel like I basically have to make up for all the love they should be giving me but aren’t.

Them. All tangled up in what you feel they feel so you feel

The psychobabble term for ^this^ is “enmeshment” &/or codependence.

And it’s partially a byproduct of what I quoted at the top, putting other people’s needs first CAN (not always, but can) result in this swirling mess of losing yourself to exist only in relation to what others want from you, want of you, want for you… and growing anger/resentment/confusion… as the line between you & them? Gets hazy. Is it about you? Or about Them? Where it starts getting difficult to seperate who you are, and what you need and want, except in reflection of others needs/wants/personalities.

So something as “simple” as they want you to do something, and you don’t want to do it? Morphs into this tiny speck of you, and this great big long deep dive into everything them.

It’s also a super common byproduct of the kind of hypervigilance so prevalent in domestic violence / abuse. Where ALL the focus is on others, to keep them happy, gauge their mood, anticipate what they want before they know they want it, and failing that? Know when to duck!

Turning the focus back on yourself? Can feel wrong at best, and terrifying at worst (like, pay attention or DIE, terrifying).

But whilst the general population may need to work hard to learn to pay attention to others? To put other people’s needs & wants first? People coming from abuse backgrounds often need to learn to do the opposite. Both ends? Attempting to reach the middle.

 

[Avery_penguin]

Ahh this is great, thank you. Codepency is so hard to break with people I love. I want to give everyone everything, but it’s not sustainable. I know that I’m also being kind of negative and not really accepting their love because I have my own issues…love is hard and I’m not used to it.