Am I Too Needy Or Is This Acceptable?

[NightSky]

I have no idea how to work this forum- posting apparently. I don't know why my response looks like that. Sorry. :joyful:

 

[Arebas]

Can you tell her @Arebas what you just posted and how you feel?

I suppose I can try once more. But we've already talked about this. She says she tries her best to answer as soon as she can and that it's me that needs to see if that's enough for me. If it isn't, then I just should not write. That I need to accept that sometimes she might reply within a few hours, other times it will take her two days. We can't make a rule (that was my first option, make rules). And that it's on me to contact her and insist if I think she is taking too long or if something becomes urgent but also accept that even if I tell her it's urgent, I still have to wait for her to have time. She might get to it faster but she's really busy so I have to be ready for that.

It sounds reasonable to me.

Until I really need to talk to someone and there's no one and I can hear her saying "I'm here for you. Write, call, text. Anything you need, I'm here. You need to learn to ask other people for help when you need it. I want you to count on me. You're not alone". But then I realise she's actually never right there and I have to wait in line for my turn cause all the other patients that day, her family, her friends and her time to spare come before me. That hurts even worse than whatever it is I wanted to share with her in the first place. :sorry:

But now I'm just being jealous and demanding.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Arebas , is your overall relationship good with your therapist and is she overall helpful? If so then, I wouldn't necessarily look for another therapist, but I would bring this issue up with her and say that you need her to be clear. If she says you can e-mail her then she needs to check it. If checking it is too hard, maybe she can just accept a text or a call? But you need to know what to expect. The stability in that expectation is very important to you and your stabilization. So if she wants you to e-mail her, she needs to let you know of a stable and true time frame in which to expect a reply. I have had some of this issue with my therapist. She will usually reply early the next morning if I send an e-mail after 5pm. If it's during the day, there's a good chance she'll respond within an hour. However, on the weekends that's her time and though she's fine with the e-mails, if she's busy she will take longer to respond, but she will respond. I know this and so it's helpful. She will also try to give me a heads up if she is going to be completely unavailable, which also helps. I may still feel needy, but at least I am not needy and wondering when she will respond. I don't think you are being needy if she told you to e-mail her and to me it seems like you have a real need to reach out to her. It sounds like the issue is that she needs to be clear about her boundaries and guidelines for actually responding to you.

 

[Arebas]

I could've written this. I so identify with this struggle. My T usually takes days to respond. Other t...

It was a good answer cause it's always nice to know someone gets it exactly like it is. Thank you.

Not knowing if something is read always hurts so bad. I've been invisible all my life and sending something so personal out there and waiting and wondering "is she seeing me? Has she seen me already but didn't have anything to say?" is awful.

 

[Muted]

I hate it and it pisses me off. I feel like I'm being treated unfairly and punished.

But, she has the right to choose her own hours and when she will 'grace us clients' with her presence. She's invested up to a point... the point that it doesn't interfere with her 'perfect little self care routine'.

She's the only t that's ever heard me and gets me on every other level and I've felt connected to her since day one. I completely hate it.

But, yes I definently keep her at a distance even though she's brilliantly talented at getting through my barriers.

I purposely stay as detached as I can from her, because she can't be there if or when I need her unless it's during a scheduled appointment. No safety net whatsoever.

 

[Muted]

I have no idea how to work this forum- posting apparently. I don't know why my response looks like tha...

If you post below the quote it won't do that. I replied to your question btw.

 

[Muted]

I suppose I can try once more. But we've already talked about this. She says she tries her best to answe...

She shouldn't say those things if she's not going to follow through. She's only completely reinforcing all of those negative beliefs you have, 'you're unimportant, demanding,etc'. It's not fair to you and it's giving you mixed messages.

 

[Arebas]

My current t doesn't allow any type of contact outside of our scheduled appointments. No exceptions ever.

That would actually be a relief for me. I have told her many times that I will not allow myself to wrote to her anymore cause it's too difficult to deal with the waiting. She accepts my choices but then she is always saying that I need to reach out so when it gets too much I just can't help myself and I email her. And we're back to square one.

Mine will text if something important is going on and she knows I need support, and will sometimes just check in to see how I'm doing.

My T checked how I was doing once or twice very early on but then stopped doing that. I always hope she might check out again after a hard session but she doesn't anymore. I don't know why.

@Arebas , is your overall relationship good with your therapist and is she overall helpful? If so then, I wouldn't necessarily look for another therapist, but I would bring this issue up with her and say that you need her to be clear. [...] It sounds like the issue is that she needs to be clear about her boundaries and guidelines for actually responding to you.

This is what I would find most helpful. A reference frame or something. But when we talk about this she always says that she can't say when she'll have time to do anything. I tell her that is very frustrating and she says that's understandable cause one day it's hours, other day it's two days... understandable but that's what it is. I wish she had some rules about it or something. But I'm a perfectionist and she's always trying to stop me making rules about everything.

 

[Arebas]

I hate it and it pisses me off. I feel like I'm being treated unfairly and punished.

Ok. That sounds hard. I think maybe I don't want my T to tell me I am not allowed to contact her out of appointments at all anymore. But my T doesn't seem brilliant to me and she doesn't get through my barriers at all. I bring them down with great effort for her to poke blindly with a stick most of the time.

 

[Muted]

Ok. That sounds hard. I think maybe I don't want my T to tell me I am not allowed to contact her out of...

Have you considered a new t? This one might not be a good fit, that trust has to be there. If she's blindly poking at you and you don't feel like she gets you, I bet you can find a better t.

 

[Muted]

That would actually be a relief for me. I have told her many times that I will not allow myself to wrote...

My dentist actually checks in on me more than my t, I mean seriously!!!!

It sounds like your t keeps trying to reel you back in. Does she have other narcissistic characteristics?

 

[Arebas]

Have you considered a new t? This one might not be a good fit, that trust has to be there. If she's bli...

She's the first T I've ever had. The first person actually who's ever listened to me. I don't know what's out there and if it's just me being too closed off for her to read or if it would happen with all therapists. I know she tries hard, I know she cares. So far that's enough. It's more than I've ver had!