An Idea Equating To Informed Self-care In Moments Of Duress...

[Resilientbibliophile]

Hello,

I'm largely alone with my Complex P.T.S.D. rooted mostly emotional isolation and abuse legacies difficult to contain. I can however seek materials in the form of books and articles regarding underlying issues, and be so-doing, endeavor in the direction of reasoned and informed self-care. My background is that of an academic librarian, hence what I describe here may not strictly be for everyone. Like so many, I too have come face-to-face with the limits of what others can handle when the experience of P.T.S.D. is hot and bewildering, whereas very little knowledge and precious little expertise can be reliably tapped via telephone through friends and family if they simply haven't studied the dynamic at play. Cruel irony that I'm so often approached to 'fix things' whereas I struggle so to calm myself via research that often is torture to contemplate when newly-discovered. Many here know from personal experience that unearthing abusive legacies recalls memories that reliably deepen pain first, and ameliorate it second...

Continuing along, books on obvious aspects of my experience (dissociation, Complex P.T.S.D., emotional abuse and neglect, etc.) help, but what can be best pressed into service when matters are wholly out of control are my binders containing brief but on-topic psych. academic journal articles relating to aspects of the experience. An incomplete list of what I've assembled affords a rough understanding of the material compiled:

Flashback Management
Emotional Abuse and Neglect
Misogyny and Misandry
Sibling Sexual Abuse
Complex P.T.S.D.
Dissociation
Emotional Resiliency
Blackouts
Projection and Displacement

(appreciating that each person here has a unique history even as many parallels exist)
...etc.

Each binder contains roughly 15 to 20 academic psych. journal articles that deliberately deconstruct the dynamic behind what is being experienced as overpowering in the present moment, i.e. a palliative to apply to the wound when I hurt and am most isolated. The cool but also delightfully focused content that is the epitome of engagement and understanding contrasted to the dubious worth of live people who so frequently cannot understand even in their best moments proves the worth of these binders again and again.

In the middle of the night I can crack open these and peruse (again and again) the very best materials I've found written by individuals wholly invested in understanding and guiding a path beyond the experience of much unutterable unpleasantness. That such materials are kept as hard copies while the binders are clearly marked cuts out the need to search aimlessly online when I haven't the power or concentration to do so through my tears. In short, I (and perhaps you too!) need easily-accessed spot-on support that is informed and engaged even when living even an additional moment seems an intolerable burden. This I've come to realize - I had to devise something and would be soon-dead without crutches so-configured. I guess I'm encouraging others to create something akin to this that will custom-suit circumstances unique and yet not wholly unknown within the clinical psych. community at large.

I know for myself that one session with a professional therapist and/or psychologist isn't sufficient to calm the sense of danger I might feel twenty minutes after a session or at 3:00 am in the morning whilst all alone. I can put on an especially convincing public front when I need to, but too frequently fail when unexpected stressors or and bewildering succession of discreet triggers take me to an unsafe place.

In sum and in conclusion, the topic-specific academic articles are serious enough in tone to be engaging, the length of such isn't overwhelming even as my focus is commonly impaired in moments of duress, whereas a succession of different voices read (and effectively chiming in even as no human voice or presence is heard or felt) is, for this writer, better than cold calling a fatigued and disbelieving network of ordinary people not so-touched, not so-invested. Many of us have gathered materials - but might yours be in one spot to review obsessively in moments of extreme duress? Thanks...


M.

 

[Innordinate]

That's all good, but in moments of extreme duress, I'm not at the level of functioning where I would be able to even remember to find my compilation of notes etc, let alone open, read or understand them sufficiently to provide my own self-care.

Also, when feelings of intense worthlessness take over, I wouldn't believe anything written there regardless.

I find this type of thing to be useful to review in moments of clarity though.

Thank you for the recommendation however.

 

[Innordinate]

Do you mind if I also make the recommendation that you limit your, obviously extensive, vocabulary to more simple terms as I think it would be difficult for most members of this forum to comprehend or read past the first few sentences of your posts. I understand there are times where this isn't possible, due to some very technical subjects, but generally a grade 5 level vocabulary is sufficient enough to get your point across.

The grade 5 level, I'm taking from psychology courses, that I took years ago, in which it was recommended to keep all surveys simple and understandable by the majority of the population.

Thanks. :)

I could be wrong, I don't speak for the forum, and it's completely up to you, but if you find you aren't eliciting many responses from members, this is probably why.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Resilientbibliophile,

Welcome here and I hope you get much support and comfort. I am glad you found something that is useful for you. I have to say that there are some parts of this that I relate to. For me though I have new understanding of my need for research and fact and my tendency to reread things when distressed.

As much as it has literally saved me at various points I realised how strong my need has been to intellectualise and step away from the pain. That is not a bad coping method in itself but the way I have used it and the extent that I have used it has definitely slowed my progress in many ways over the years. It is essentially another way of avoiding and only in recent years have I understood that true healing comes with experiencing the feelings and working through them. I realised that I had gone through much therapy and work without actually feeling what I needed to feel.

The second reason I have leaned on them has been because I have severe invalidation issues and the need to feel validated and understood and affirmed has been incredibly strong and all encompassing. Research has helped me to survive at times in this regard but I realised that my fear and inability of getting this from other human beings was powerful and not helpful. Using facts keeps me isolated from people. Sometimes people are not safe and not able to be there for me with this but I have to try to bridge the gap a bit and living in facts stops that from happening.

Lastly I have leaned on them as a way of dissociating the experience from myself even whilst simultaneously looking for my experiences in them and affirming them. I become a therapist to myself and distance myself from my own experiences and feelings. Although that can be useful in moments and I am glad for it I also now see that long term it is robbing me from truly integrating me with my feelings, experiences and connecting me with other human beings and life. That has to be the long term goal for me and that is why I try to balance this and keep out of intellectualising as much as I am able to.

This may not apply to you but I thought I would share.

 

[Hashi]

I've found some books and articles very helpful. For me, not so much theory as metaphysical ones, but I've done something similar with them. I've keep some, together with other useful things like a poem to memorise for distraction, in a drawer next to my bed. I'm not as organised as you though - obviously you're a true librarian!

Fortunately, I don't need this anymore but they really helped when my symptoms were bad.

I think that collating the material can be grounding, and having something to turn to that's orderly and organised can be calming in itself. Having the information there for when you need it is a great idea.

I used to live in a country that had earthquakes and I always had an earthquake kit ready for emergencies (water, torch, money, phone, blanket etc). I think it's the same idea, although now it's notes, comforting things and strong-smelling peppermint oil!

 

[maddog]

I agree 100% with Abstract's position in relation to the respective uses of theory and humanity in healing trauma. Sorry, I've obviously paraphrased what you said there Abstract, but as someone who has, for a very long time, hidden behind theory and harsh cerebral analysis of my world (such as through education and factual knowledge), I can attest to the fact that on the journey to trauma healing, this could only take me so far.

I agree that knowledge is power to some extent, and that developing an informed understanding of the aspects of the trauma journey can be empowering and can help to make sense and provide some order to the emotional and psychological confusion. My T and I often discuss theory, exchange articles and read books together, and this has led to a lot of increased knowledge on my part, an increased sense of confidence to tackle certain therapies once I understand their origin and purpose, etc.

But there is a point at which this also became an unproductive defense mechanism for me, a harsh factual shield behind which I could hide and avoid facing the real crux of the journey... that being the emotional dynamics that can't ever, ever be explained or experienced in a textbook or journal article.

For me, there came a point at which it stopped being about theory, and had to become about reality. Yes, that was a scarey, vulnerable, seemingly loss of control turn in the journey, but one which had to be taken.

I say all that to say that absolutely, filling your mind with knowledge and filling your world with valid reference material is useful and constructive and can be very grounding and purposeful as Hashi has indicated, but connecting with the emotional experience of trauma in the context of real human relationships is, I believe, integral in taking the journey to its ultimate destination.

Hope this perspective is accepted in the spirit it is intended and not as criticism, and each person's coping strategies and approach to their journey is unique and rightfully so. Just offering my own view, and the view of someone who took a long time to accept that anything other than factual cognitive reality had a place in my world.

Maddog

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Hello everyone,

Hard really at present to proceed ahead with emotional re-experiencing and connection manifest in the context of real human relationships for I have about none. My past relationships have been spent, what flaccid and deeply-damaged relations with family scarcely exist, whereas there are no friends about other than those strictly rooted in hobbies. It's my situation and happily not the lot of all here. Gosh, the pain I feel when I better develop what is in truth a harsh factual shield is all I have to deploy against the great loneliness felt. I have very few mirrors that could stress test my perceptions, and hence what literature I read has become something of an alternative faith as I 'fly the clinical skies' rather than face the extremely hollow and haunting reality of having no phone calls, no visits, little email, etc. If it weren't for the development of an inner world, my identity would collapse for there isn't an outer world worth living for. Again, it seems my 'faith' is what scattered literature I chance across even as I realize it isn't strictly the way for others.

One doesn't find human connection in a vending machine, while smothering need has of course never been particularly attractive. I hope matters will change/alter/evolve so that I might be afforded opportunity to learn from what interpersonal relations and relationships could be afforded, but at present I occupy a void and hence study to pass the time if you will. The language, the vocabulary, etc. constitutes a 'KEEP OUT' sign that while I recognize as counter productive in part, I also have to relate back that short messages containing parables or simple platitudes just don't penetrate my awareness. Such is ghastly to relate even as I wish not to telegraph to the reader that I'm an intolerant prig. Please, if nothing else know that I bear no resentment concerning what scant response I receive in relation to that which I write, whereas if some can understand that immersion within whatever constitutes 'my materials' has left a mark to the extent of what passes for my wordy script, this is also my identity.

I suppose what little contact I have with others is a trap too, to the extent that fleeting contact with others is colored by emotional needs not met on anything like a daily basis. Very little about me is casual, everything indeed is deeply intellectualized. Too frequently (imagine if you will just for the sake of clarity that I'm not referencing anything contributed above) I've been told to 'use fewer syllables', to not reflexively employ concepts not of common currency, to 'better blend'. What happens is that I stop communicating, for to risk disclosure is to risk judgment, whereas no impression formed in the minds of others is safer than a sour impression that bears hallmarks of trauma and retreat into intellectualism. Read a bunch and it seems that the mark left on identity (especially blended with trauma that would provoke such a retreat) seems a one-way door that does not allow one to relate to others so simply.

Material rooted in the social experience of gifted youth and adults helps, with themes such as asynchronous development whereby some intellectual interests are pursued to the strict detriment of right interpersonal growth and a like capacity to meaningfully relate to others. Mix this with hinted-at trauma legacies and it seems to lead somewhere, but please appreciate I have no consistent human presence in my life to 'staff' any other pathways. For this I desire to relate to you that I wish others no harm. Thanks for reading what is indeed another long message.

M.

 

[faraway]

connecting with the emotional experience of trauma in the context of real human relationships is, I believe, integral in taking the journey to its ultimate destination.

This is so spot on. Like you, Resilient Bibliophile, I have totally alienated myself and have absolutely no one in my life. However, I recently went to my old city to visit some friends and really noticed how much I have changed in terms of how I interacted with people and situations in a social setting. I was really proud of myself, of the work I have undertaken so far, but it also made me realise how limited I am going to be in my healing whilst I stay in my current location. You can't heal fully without relationships, without other people, I see that now. Since I'm moving next summer, there doesn't seem much sense in expending the energy to try to make friends here, but I wonder if I'm going to plateau soon if I don't.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Thanks,

Definitely from hard-won experience it seems impossible to meaningfully learn about interpersonal dynamics and evolve absent the blood and sweat presence of others. Too frequently I feel like an amateur aircraft wreck investigator discerning the cause and causes of many a failure, whereas possession of language and concepts does not vouchsafe that social misfires will ever be halted, let alone lessened. When people are gone, the lessons stop much to my horror. I've stockpiled insights to heighten if you will my analytical powers, but absent people to what purpose have I labored?

Two work roles requiring constant interaction with the public seemed to underline the hurt felt for what wasn't afforded in the family home (identifying this as emotional neglect, severe isolation, etc. which all here would likely agree is the case) combined with my just markedly different way of being (not better, just different) erected a wall between myself and others. Longing for a safe habitat, a social milieu where I wouldn't so constantly have to be on guard, etc. became a ever-intensifying preoccupation of mine. Yes - I speak like this too! Books everywhere, people nowhere...

I'm applying to Ph.D. programs hoping in a sense to find others even as independent research with scarce human contact equates to most as an invitation to still further isolation. I understand reading this convoluted script is headache-inducing - really I do! But for this admission, what I scribble here isn't markedly different from much of what I read, whereas maybe academia and those who gravitate thus might at least afford me a bit of company. I'm mourning the loss too of a bewildering relation with someone holding such a degree who also harbored traumatic experiences by contrast well-hidden. I guess in a sense I desire to find an analogous relation even absent guarantees, whereas without proximity to something I'm bored, listless, and alone even in a crowd of a thousand people. I wish everyone here connection, validation and peace.

M.

 

[Abstract]

Hi M,

I am attempting to force myself to do some work I am avoiding so cannot answer now but wanted to say that I have gained a lot from this thread so thank you for posting it. I have been treated a bit like an alien at times for this issue so it is a relief to hear from others who think similarly (to one extent or another). I just wanted you to know that so that you realise what I said was in no way a judgement. I have more to say but not now.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear M, this is very short and entirely 'un-cerebral', but don't worry too much about the specific relationships, see if you can go by your heart, perhaps beginning small (which for me was very large) of recognizing all emotions, identifying them, and working on trust. Trust of others, trust in yourself.

Hugs if that's ok.

 

[faraway]

Two work roles requiring constant interaction with the public

See now, I couldn't do this. PTSD aside, I'm an introvert and I find excessive contact draining. I figured this out a long time ago. (Although I know now I had PTSD then, although it was nowhere near as bad as it is now.)

I'm applying to Ph.D. programs

I also sent off two applications for doctoral work last night, and I will be doing two or three more over the next couple of weeks. I know I'll get in (I have two very high quality degrees and academics willing to supervise me at every institution I'm applying to), but my fear is about funding. Fingers crossed for us both!