Hey, I'm Amelia. I'm having a rare good day today; I stumbled upon this website through google, read a few threads, and promptly signed up. I'm suffering from this nasty ptsd, re: multiple victimizations. I have a lot of people in my life who don't understand, can't understand, so I look forward to both receiving, and maybe, eventually providing support to others here. It seems as though a lot of folks are sparing no detail in their introductions, regardless, I apologize in advance if any of the details are a little heavy for you. I've never shared details for all of my traumas in one place, at the same time, so I guess I'm kind of expecting that it will be helpful in some way to share with people who will 'get it', and possibly provide some sort of thoughts. Thanks!
So, I just turned 32. I suffered a lot of physical and a little bit of sexual abuse from both friends and family members growing up. All of the bulleted section contains details; if you're afraid it may trigger you, or aren't interested, skip over the bullets!
Rape, physical and emotional abuse, six for six.
I had mild intrusive body memories after the first adult incident, I don't know if I had ptsd at that point, it seemed to have been much less symptomatic. At this point, I've had so many traumas close proximity that I don't even think my mind had time to properly process just exactly what the hell had just happened before the next one took place. I go to therapy weekly, and even so, with that support, and the support of my friends and family, it has gone from very manageable to being mortified that I may actually not survive this yet. It's been getting worse and worse over the course of the year, and it scares the crap out of me. Some days my flashbacks are so intense and frequent, that I kind of just skip through the entire day, missing tons of time along the way. Sometimes I cry and convulse, sometimes my body memories lead me to almost have orgasms. And all of the other glorious stuff, like not being able to sleep, leading to fragmented sleep throughout the course of 12 hours instead of 7 or 8, being afraid that any given person will assault me, etc. Probably a legit concern for a person who has been a victim for pretty much forever. ~shrugs~
Nice to meet everyone, wish it were under different circumstances. For all of us.
So, I just turned 32. I suffered a lot of physical and a little bit of sexual abuse from both friends and family members growing up. All of the bulleted section contains details; if you're afraid it may trigger you, or aren't interested, skip over the bullets!
- When I was 26, I met this guy on the internet through a friend that I trusted. We had talked for a few months, had a lot in common, so he came to visit me. Once we were alone, straight away, he climbed on me, removed my clothes, and raped me. Having come from across the country, he took it upon himself to stay for about a week. Being too terrified to try and send him away, or call police, he continued to do whatever he wanted to me throughout that time period. He held me against him a lot, tightly, continuing to remove my agency whenever he could. On the way home, his car broke down, and he decided to turn back this way. It continued for about another week before he finally disappeared forever.
- 28. A good friend of mine, a male co-worker whom I had hung out with countless times, started to come onto me. Being very drunk and stoned, I reciprocated (see: consent while drunk or drugged). We had sex, and a minute in, I had to call it off due to it being too painful. He acknowledged my request, but continued anyway. Until he was done. He was aware prior to the assault that I had been previously raped. I never hung out with him again, to say the least. The same can't be said for the trigger of seeing him at work until he quit.
- Age of 31. December 2013. I was dating a co-worker for a month or so. One day we went over to his place after work. Amid some smoking and tv-watching, I leaned over and kissed him. He calmly removed his glasses, put them on the coffee table, then abruptly grabbed me by the throat. I cried and tried my best to remove his hands, but it was literally of no use. He continued until I was unconscious, He let go long enough to drag me by the hair to his bed, tied up my arms with a belt, then throttled me again, this time raping me in addition to squeezing until I went unconscious. He was aware prior to the assault that I had been previously raped twice.
- February, 2014. After a month of talking online with a guy I'd met on a dating site who seemed really great, we went on to in-person dating. I want to say 5-10 actual dates in, and post-having sex twice back-to-back, I was sore, tired, and had tried to lean off of him and slump onto the bed. Half way off of him, he grabbed my hips tightly and said "it feels good". Despite having told him that I couldn't do it again, and trying still to get off of him, he wrapped both of his arms around me, pulled me back into him, holding me tightly so I couldn't move. He finished out that session; all the while I was shaking, crying and sobbing into the side of his neck. He "broke up with me" afterward, stating that I deserved "someone better". True story, dude. Oh, and yeah. He was aware prior to the assault that I had been previously raped three times.
- April, 2014. Still dating, against the better judgement of every person telling me that I needed to take a break. Similar circumstances, met him online. Mixed martial arts champ, huge guy. Good dates, hilarious, witty guy. We met up at an upscale bar, he already had drinks in front of him. On this particular night, he was being a terrific asshole. He was trolling the bartender hard, and was being emotionally abusive to me at various points, including forcing me to drink like half of one of his drinks (one that I had already sipped and didn't like); he put the glass on my lips, tilted back my head with his hands, and not wanting booze all over my person, I drank. He texted some other people during our date, frequently. Despite being on the fence about trying to leave the bar in a hurry, it was cold as hell, late, and I didn't even know if the busses were still going. He ordered a cab, I was like... yeah, alright. Let's go, I'm tired, and I want to go to bed. We went back to his place, where he promptly raped me, at length, very... intensely. Time felt kind of skewed, I don't know what he put in that drink. It felt like an hour. Eventually, much to my surprise and horror, the very unwanted bodily response of having an orgasm. He stopped shortly afterward, and I fell asleep within seconds. I woke during the night at some point with his hands around my throat, lifting my head off the bed, to which I cried and panicked before he let go. I fell to the bed and cried for a few seconds prior to going unconscious again. The following morning, I woke up next to him, just like any other day with his legs over me and his arm around me. I got up and gathered my things; he got up and let me see him uploading a video from his camera, telling me to get out of his apartment. He was aware prior to the assault that I had previously been raped four times.
- Most of the rest of 2014, I gave one more go at dating. I had been dating this sweet, funny, nice guy who would treat me like an actual person. Nope. He started to become abusive. Very gradually. I was okay with light play in bed, but he started to try and mess around at random points (not in bed). A month later, and despite my requests that he not go that far, and probably sensing that I'd had enough, he had decided to get whatever he could while he still could. I'll spare details on this one, I can't get into it without being too specific. Very nasty, traumatic physical and sexual abuse stopping short of penetration, but certainly no less traumatizing. And of course, despite seemingly very (convincingly) upset about everything I had endured in my life, especially as of late, he did it anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I dodged a bullet with that one, like he was possibly leading up to killing me.
Rape, physical and emotional abuse, six for six.
I had mild intrusive body memories after the first adult incident, I don't know if I had ptsd at that point, it seemed to have been much less symptomatic. At this point, I've had so many traumas close proximity that I don't even think my mind had time to properly process just exactly what the hell had just happened before the next one took place. I go to therapy weekly, and even so, with that support, and the support of my friends and family, it has gone from very manageable to being mortified that I may actually not survive this yet. It's been getting worse and worse over the course of the year, and it scares the crap out of me. Some days my flashbacks are so intense and frequent, that I kind of just skip through the entire day, missing tons of time along the way. Sometimes I cry and convulse, sometimes my body memories lead me to almost have orgasms. And all of the other glorious stuff, like not being able to sleep, leading to fragmented sleep throughout the course of 12 hours instead of 7 or 8, being afraid that any given person will assault me, etc. Probably a legit concern for a person who has been a victim for pretty much forever. ~shrugs~
Nice to meet everyone, wish it were under different circumstances. For all of us.
